Embracing my Cup

James Christofer Truett's Baptism....

2012-01-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

Sweet boy...

With Pop just before...

After the service we invited over those who have influenced James spiritually. I'll never forget the day. It was cool, overcast, and foggy. JCT's special day...

We ate soup and cake and took time to encourage our little man. Joshua read some scripture to his little brother, and Erik gave him a charge that left many of us a bit teary.

It was a sweet, peaceful afternoon.

JCT's Decision

2012-01-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

He has always been his own little man. He does his own thing, in his own time, and in his own way. His hair has always been long. He likes it that way, and he doesn't care if he is the only one with hair like his. It takes him 30 minutes to eat a meal. Everyone else finishes and begins their chores, their play, or their schoolwork, but it doesn't phase him a bit. He will eat every bite as slowly as he desires and let all the world get ahead of him. He does not care. And, he is independent. He can do it himself. He is full of confidence. He thinks he should be teaching me math, and somedays, he is so convincing that I almost believe him myself!

I began praying for his salvation before he was born. But, about a year and a half ago, I really started praying for his unique, individual relationship with God to be cultivated, to begin to grow. I began to pray specifically that God would "speak sweetly to his heart."

James Christofer Truett has never been a follower. When Joshua was four, he heard about giving his heart to Jesus, and he immediately looked up to heaven, sitting criss cross applesauce on his bed, and yelled to heaven, "Jesus, come into my heart!!" But, JCT is different. He is analytical, thinking, a processor of information. After Joshua grew and really began to understand having a relationship with Christ, he began to witness to JCT. It really bothered him that his little brother had not accepted Christ yet. I have vivid memories of the two of them sitting in the 3rd row seats of our van. Joshua exasperated crying out to JCT, "Don't you realize James, if you don't ask Jesus into your heart, you will go to hell when you die!!!! Do you want to go to hell????" And, JCT would just stare out the window like he couldn't even hear his big brother talking.

At a parenting conference years ago, Erik and I heard Tim Kimmel suggest that parents should not ask their children, point blank, if they want to accept Christ. He said kids are by nature pleasers and will say yes. He suggested presenting the gospel but letting them come to the decision on their own. Erik is really good about sharing Christ and His love with the boys, but leaving the ball in their court making them come to Him on their own, making it their decision and not anything we have placed upon them or coerced them into doing. They walk the aisle alone, when they are ready, when Christ stirs their hearts in His own unique way.

The way Jesus spoke sweetly to my JCT's heart tickles me every time I think of it because it is so Him and so him!!!! JCT began asking probing questions out of the blue this summer. "Why do you have to be bap-it-tized?" "If it doesn't save you why do we do it?" "Why did Jesus have to die?" Our little processor of information was beginning to put the pieces together for himself. Several times late at night I would think he was about to ask me if I would pray the prayer of salvation with him. But, he didn't ask, and I kept quiet, just answering questions when he asked.

But, finally, one night several months ago the most interesting thing happened! I was tucking him in just as I always do. Expecting him to say what he always says, "Peace, good night, I love you, and tell Daddy and Jack that I said it, too." But, that isn't what he said. As I leaned down to kiss him, a sweet smile erupted on his little lips, and he said, "I have something to tell you."

My heart began to beat quickly, "What is it?"

"Today when you were doing First Language Lessons (our grammar curriculum) with Josh, I asked Jesus to come into my heart and live in me."

"You did?"

"Yes"(big smile).

I asked him to go downstairs and tell his Daddy what he had done and talk to Daddy about it. He did. Erik listened as JCT told both of us how he asked Jesus, on his own, while sitting under our schoolroom table, to forgive his sins and live in him. We talked for a while with him, and then we sent him up to bed asking him to share his news with Joshua.

As soon as his little feet hit the steps, Erik and I smiled at each other. "It is just like him," Erik said, "to do it all on his own ~ just between himself and Jesus." We giggled that our little independent son, at six years old had gone to the throne room of heaven all by himself. He knew what to do. He didn't need us to hold his hand. He walked boldly forward making the most important decision of his life all by himself.

And, it was with that same boldness that he walked the aisle two Sunday nights ago.

I love, love, love how my sweet Jesus draws each of us uniquely. He knows our very innermost make up, He knows our bent. He created us, formed us, and He draws us accordingly. He speaks sweetly to each of us if only we will open our hearts and listen. How beautiful and sweet He is!

A sweet side note: After the service sweet Lije looked up at Dr. Jones, our pastor, and said, "When I get older, can I ask Jesus into my heart, too???"

Dr. Jones assured him he could. :-)

Strength for the Weak Days

2012-01-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

He needed to leave early this morning to do charts, so he kissed me goodbye through a small opening in the shower door. I turned off the water and instantly heard it, the crying... My baby was awake, crying loudly, and I was simply not mentally ready to begin the day. I dressed, pulled my hair back, placed baby now smiling on my hip, and made my way to the kitchen. Boys were playing wildly, no morning chores had been done, pjs still on, teeth unbrushed, breakfast half eaten, and school to begin in 15 minutes. But, still there is a baby to be fed, and books to be sorted and work from yesterday not yet corrected, and my head spins. Some days are like this. Thankfully, everyday is not like this. And, I feel the tightening, the elephant that some days comes and takes residence on my chest alloting me only small bits of air to breath and never a good deep breath.

I press on. Get boys on task, feed baby, check work, do circle time, pray, and start laundry. I touch something on laundry room counter and set an avalanche in motion, and I pause, frustrated. Why today? Why? Texts come in, but I ignore them, attempting to get caught up. I go through the motions. I teach, but today I am absent, not really present with them. I am merely going through the motions, doing the day, trying just to catch my breath. If I could just breathe....

Joshua and I work on his scripture recitiation due Friday ~ Mary's song. And, though it speaks not directly to my day or my situation, it is the only time all day that my chest breathes easy if only for a moment. And, I notice how His living word works wonders just in hearing my sweet son speak it to me.

But, on goes the day, the responsibilities. The noise. The laughter. The loud talking. The stress. The crying. The dog barking. The tornado threatening. The rain pouring. And, at one point I step backwards awkwardly and hit my foot on the boy's castle. My foot throbs only slightly, but still a single tear falls and the dam threatens to break, but thankfully holds strong. Just do the next thing. Just do the next thing. Just do the next thing. Change the dirty diaper, fill the milk cup, read over the paragraph, wipe the bottom, clean the spilled juice, check the math, rock the baby to sleep, read the history lesson, take the dog out, change the laundry over, boil some water, stir in the noodles, just do the next thing, then the next, and on and on...

Finally, a moment of semi-quiet, the boys engrossed in a movie, I sit down at the table. I put my face in my hands, "Why am I so weak? I never used to be so weak?" I ask myself as the tears begin to fall. I look down and see them, little drops on the wood table. And, then I hear Him cutting through my selfishness, my weariness, my pride...

"Strong. When did you get so strong!"

The tears fall harder, faster now. "Me, strong?" I ask Him. "Just look at me, Lord, I'm a mess. I've been a mess all day."

Then, His whispers penetrate deep, "When you are weak, then you are strong.... Do not forget, child, from whence your strength comes. You are not strong on your own strength, but only when you rest in me, then you are strong. When have you been so strong, My little one? When before have you shouldered so much? So much responsibility? Little lives I have placed in your care, and they have many needs, I know. Little souls I have trusted you to nurture. I ask you again, when, my child, have you been more strong? But, not strong of your strength, strong from learning, year after year, child after child to rely more and more on my strength. But, when you forget, when you try to control, try to do it all, try to be perfect, try in all your pride to be and do what I have not called you to, then you smother yourself in self, and you find it hard even to breathe. But, when you rest in Me, in what I have called you to, not looking to the left or the right, when you trust in Me, when you rest here against My chest, not pushing and pulling and working and running and trying and straining, but simply resting in Me... Here you find your strength, here in this quiet place of trust. Breathe deep of Me, child, I am your strength, your very life's breath. Just slow and breathe and trust and rest in This your strength."

I do love Him so...

Just a Few Reasons Why I LOVE being a Boy Mama!!!!!

2012-01-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

All these things happened within the last 2 weeks, and all of them made me love life all the more!! Boys are soooo fun! So, here are a few reasons that I love my job!

#1 Boys are affectionate.... I was teaching JCT something new in math. And, as per my usual teaching method, I was explaining my heart out!!! And, all the while I am explaining how to add and carry, he is kissing my arms.... constantly. Think Adams family. I kept saying, "James stop! Listen to me! You aren't paying attention!!!" And, he would just smile, giggle, and keep kissing up and down my arms!! Silly, silly!! :-) I thought of his future wife. One day she will be sitting there, pouring her heart out to him about something that is truly bothering her, and he will just be smiling silly and kissing her! Ha!

#2 They say things that are completely unexpected!!!! On Tuesday I was teaching Joshua something, when I leaned down to pick something up, my hair spilling over my shoulders. Joshua jumped up, eyes all alight, and said, "Mom, stay right there like that!" He came over, played with a few of my curls, placed them just so over my shoulders, stood back, looked at me approvingly, and with great excitement said, "Now, there, that is perfect!! You look just like...."

Like what, I'm wondering, a supermodel, maybe, Wonder woman.... A girl can hope!

But, no, he said...

"You look just like Troy Polamalu!!!!"

Like, seriously, I didn't even know what to say to that. I mean what do you say?? "Thanks" just didn't seem right. I mean my 8 year old son just told me that I look like a 200+ pound professional football player. :-0

#3 Their creativity never ceases to amaze me... I took Eriky up for our naptime routine of books and singing, and when I came down I found this....

Two wisemen on a camel, and in the back there, that is the little drummer boy!!! And, they even created their very own manger using Jack's superyard and a Christmas ornament...

So, when Erik came home, we had to act out the manger scene. I was Mary. Erik was Joseph, and Jack was baby Jesus!! Erik Daniel was a shepherd. Joshua and James were wisemen, and Elijah was the little drummer boy! James Christofer had to memorize a portion of Luke 2 for his Bible class, so he quoted that as we all acted out what he said. When he got to the part about the shepherds being so afraid, he looked over at Erik Daniel and cued him. Erik Daniel took his cue and let out a huge and unexpected (to us) scream!!! Erik and I laughed so hard! It was sooo cute!! Love it!!!

#4 Sometimes they get things a cutely confused.... Lije and I were discussing the sweet baby inside me when all of the sudden he blurted out, "Well, maybe Uncle Sean's idea was wrong!!" So, I asked, "What idea?" To which he answered, "Sean's idea about the baby being a girl. You know his pink cakes he brought us. Maybe his idea was wrong. Maybe it is a boy after all!! Only God knows for sure." Deana B made the cakes, and Sean led the boys in doing the cutting, so I guess Elijah just assumed that this was all just Sean's idea! :-)

#4 Sports somehow makes its way into everything we do... We do school every single day from 8 until we finish. If I am deep into teaching, I ignore my phone, leaving it in another room. But, if the boys are doing work on their own, and I am just monitoring them and being present in order to answer questions and assist, then I will leave my cell phone on and answer texts as they come. This particular day a friend and I were making plans for a Mom's Night Out coming up later in the week, so my phone was going off displaying texts with her name on them over and over. The boys took notice of this. Some of her texts would come in four at a time. So, the boys would hear "ding, ding, ding, ding," and they would look and see her name. Finally, Joshua announced, "Mom, she really likes to text! I'm going to call her Texter McCluster!!!!!" This is after Dexter McCluster a very fast football player from Ole Miss who now plays for the Kansas City Chiefs. I laughed so hard I nearly wept! And, from then on when the cell phone went "ding," JCT would yell, "Textdown, Mom!! It's Texter McCluster again!!" Oh, these are fun days!

#5 From the biggest to the 2nd littlest, they love to help out!!!

Eriky loves to help me feed Jack stars...

He is so focused and has so much fun doing it...

Part of growing up in a big family is learning how you can chip in and help! I love watching my boys grow up and learn to take pride in the fact that they are helpful and very much needed!! I can use all the helping hands that I can find ~ no matter how small!!! :-)

#6 Boys love their mamas!!! Someone once told me this, and it is so true!!! Joshua had to read the first third of D'Aulaires' Book of Greek Myths for his literature this week. He had two pages of questions due this past Friday. He finished his work, and I wanted to check over it. There were several that I had to look up, and there was a 70 page span with which I had to search to make sure he had chosen the correct answers. All the while I was checking his answers, he was hanging on me. HANGING on my shoulders, hugging me, his face, cheek to cheek, against mine. I was so smothered that I was having trouble turning pages. So, I would ask him nicely, "Please, give me just a little space, so I can turn pages." And, he would say, "But, mommmm, I love you!!" And, then he would continue to hang on my shoulders. So sweet!! Does he have to grow up???

#7 They just might be more impatient than I am... Look at the progress on Erik's gym...

We are getting there little by little. I took Rain out the other day while holding Eriky on my hip. Eriky looked over at the men working on preparing the dirt for the concrete foundation. He said with his eyes wide, "Mommy, why are they just standing there talking? They need to be working!! They are just standing around talking, Mommy!! You need to go tell them to stop talking and work!!" :-)

#8 Watching friendships grow....The other night Erik had Joshua and James Christofer at their Upwards Basketball practice. So, I was home alone with the little 3, and I fixed us a little dinner. As we sat at the table and ate, these two put their arms around each other and began chanting, "We're the best buddies! We're the bestest buddies!" So sweet...

#9 They have pure hearts that see black and white... Joshua and I were discussing Tim Tebow last night. He was asking me about when Tim's mom was pregnant with him, so I explained it to him, my son who has never heard the "ab" word. I told him that when Mrs. Tebow was pregnant with Tim she had Malaria and was very ill. I pointed to my belly for emphasis. The doctors told her that the baby in her tummy would not be a normal healthy baby due to her being sick during the pregnancy. They told her that since the baby would not be healthy and normal that she should just let them go ahead and take the baby out of her belly before it was time...." I put my hands on my belly, and looked up to see Joshua's sweet face turn as white as a sheet. He didn't say anything he just looked at me like he was trying to fathom what I had just said. It was a brand new thought to him. Then, quickly, I asked, "But, what did they do? Did they do what the doctors said?" He answered, "No!" I agreed, "No, they didn't. They said that they would take whatever baby God chose to give them. And, he gave them a perfectly healthy, normal baby boy." Joshua added, "And, if they had done what the doctors said, then I wouldn't have a good football player to look up to." Pure hearts, pure understanding.

#10 I just do!! I just love the fact that I am able to get up each morning and spend my days with our little men! The other day at school day's end, I sat at the kitchen table and watched my four older boys walk out the backdoor to go play. And, I watched them run to the trampoline. Oh, joy! To see them playing all together, enjoying each other, laughing, talking, and chasing. It makes a mama's heart so happy!! :-)

A New Year Approaching...

2011-12-30T07:03:00.000-08:00

And so, the journey continues, a year come and gone, a new year approaching... And, the boys are busy playing superheroes, saving the world, and I sit alone at the computer with coffee cup at my side thinking, pondering. The years, they go by so fast anymore. I told Erik the other day that I could not believe winter was in full swing. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was begging God for a cool breeze to take the edge off the heat of summer in the deep south?? And, now here we are, smack dab in the middle of winter facing a new year.

Year after year, we change, we grow. The kids, they really change and grow ~ so fast it makes my head spin silliness. Slow down, time! Where does it go? My Eriky a three year old little boy! Wow! And, my Joshua is nearly 9! I've been at this mothering business for nearly a decade. I can't believe it!

But, I was reminded this morning of the true journey of life ~ not motherhood, family, career ladder climbing, wrinkles, or slowed metabolism. No, the true journey we are all on is our spiritual journey. The closer we grow to Jesus the closer we come to being the person He designed us to be. The more we catch sight of His vision and not our own self-focused vision ~ like blinders being taken off, the ability to truly see the larger picture. The closer we journey toward His heart, the more able we are to love freely those who journey near us, those whose paths we cross and those who cross our paths.

We are on journey to His heart. And, how exciting... a new year to know Him in new ways, through new trials and new joys! And, so our New Year's Resolution as Christians should be the same every day of every year of our life! That we would journey on, journey closer to Him, to His Heart. I love the way Sarah Young said it, "Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me." Please Lord, may it be more and more, year after year!!!!!

Christmas 2011 Recap

2011-12-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

Christmas with little ones is soooo fun! And, we were home for Christmas this year which I really enjoyed. The boys got to run down the steps at 5:30 Christmas morning ready to open presents and celebrate! :-)

But, first things first, Nana came on Friday to bring gifts to us because Poppy was not feeling well and wouldn't be able to celebrate Christmas with us as originally planned. Here is Eriky giving Nana some love...

I took the boys shopping at Wal-Mart and let them pick out whatever they wanted to get Erik for Christmas. :-) They chose well...

Daddy loved his presents... especially the Bod Man body spray!!

Here are a few pics from our Christmas morning...

After we opened presents, we ate breakfast and got ready for church. Our church was packed!! I really thought it would be a slim crowd on Christmas Sunday, but I was soooo wrong! And, our pastor said something that I just loved!! He said, "A truly great gift reflects the heart of the giver and meets the greatest need of the receiver." Reflects the heart of the giver, the heart of God, that He would give His son! And, Christ meets our greatest need! I thought about that statement off and on all day. Beautiful!

We came home and played hard all afternoon! Isnt' it funny how boxes are so much fun! This is the packaging that my ergorapido came in. It became a pirate ship and a castle (when turned upside down)...

Cute...

Sooo cute....

As per Christmas tradition, we headed over to the Reynolds for Christmas dinner and gift exchanging! We had a wonderful time as we always do. Deana and her mama cooked the most amazing dinner!!! And, Sean grilled steaks on their new Food Networkesque outdoor grill/kitchen area ~ so pretty!!!

The kids' table...

After dinner the kids sang happy birthday to Jesus and ate birthday cake...

And, then we opened presents....

But, once again Brother gave the most thoughtful gift. He hand painted this sign in North Carolina and Duke colors for Erik and the boys. It is a Tim Tebow quote, and it will always be so special to us....

Sweet Days....

Life the Last Few Weeks

2011-12-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been sort of busy contrary to what I had hoped. But, in comparison to our usual life of sports and school, it has definitely been a bit of a refresher. I forget that even laid back days with 5 kids are busy! :-) Excelsior ended with a Christmas program on December 9th. The younger classes preformed scripture recitations that they have been working on and sang carols. The boys did great! I snapped a couple friend photos...

As soon as we finished our last day of Excelsior, we headed to Florida to celebrate Pop's 70th birthday and Christmas with Erik's family! We had a blast! The kids were soooo sad to leave their cousins! And, I was sad to leave my Jen. :-(

Erik and I worked feverishly on the drive there and back to come up with a name for our newest addition. The boys have nicknamed her "Ladybug." I love it! Unfortunately Erik and I could not decide on a name a real name!

Then, last weekend Erik and Jason surprised Pop with a weekend at the beach. They sipped coffee and enjoyed a lot of meaningful conversation. A special weekend, no doubt. Those boys love their Daddy. Jason text me this picture mid-weekend...

Meanwhile, back at the homestead I attempted to keep the boys happy and busy with lots of cookie baking and decorating...

Yum!

Here was my list for Saturday. God is always so gracious and gives me and the boys easy, peaceful weekends when Daddy is away.

These two little guys fell asleep playing, and that always makes mama smile...

Sweet cowboy...

Saturday night the boys snuggled in for movie night with mom. I usually let them camp out in the living room at least one night while Daddy is away. Everyone slept very well! Eriky was the only one who made it through the entire movie without falling asleep. But, a head tickle and a couple of Christmas carols later, and he was in dreamy land with his brothers!

This week we have done "light school" meaning simply ~ writing, math, and reading in that order. This only takes them an hour and a half to two hours, so they have enjoyed a no pressure easy week!

The boys are really learning to enjoy reading. I let them choose whatever books they wanted to read, and they have been grabbing them and reading them without mama asking! Fun for me to walk into a quiet living room and find this...

I love books, and so it makes my heart happy to see them enjoying reading so much!

And, Jackaroo started pulling up to stand this week. I love the look on their faces when you walk over and see them for the first time. They just light up with pride in themselves! Jack is growing so fast! He will be 9 months old next month! I can't believe it! His first year is flying by!

One of Erik's older patients dropped by the house with happies for the boys earlier this week. She had mugs filled with Christmas goodies and candy. The boys have loved drinking out of their new mugs. It makes mama slightly nervous, but I'm trying to get over it! What tickles me is how Eriky holds his mug. Sometimes he just walks around holding his empty mug just the way I carry my coffee cup around each morning. This is how I hold my mug...

:-)

The past few weeks have been a bit blurry looking back but still very good. Next week we will take a complete break from school, and then we will start back to full days of school the first of January! Merry merry to you and yours!

Emmanuel

2011-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

God with us.

I couldn't resist! One more video! For you, sweet Tyna!

Furious Love

2011-12-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief Erik Daniel Manning was not named after Peyton or Eli Manning. Living in the south, this simple fact is often greatly mistaken. Erik Daniel Manning is named after a less famous Manning, a more humble, quiet Manning. Brennan Manning. In his book The Furious Longing of God, Brennan introduces himself this way...

"I'm Brennan. I'm an alcoholic. How I got there, why left there, why I went back, is the story of my life. But, it is not the whole story. I'm Brennan. I'm Catholic. How I got there, why I left there, why I went back, is also the story of my life. But it is not the whole story. I'm Brennan. I was a priest, but am no longer a priest. I was a married man but am no longer a married man. How I got those places, why I left those places, is the story of my life too. But it is not the whole story. I'm Brennan. I'm a sinner, saved by grace. That is the larger and more important story. Only God, in His fury, knows the whole of it."

I had a bad day yesterday. I was not the mother that I should have been. I was selfish, self-focused, tired, and frustrated. The day was a mess from start to finish. It was so bad that I couldn't start it over, fresh, no matter how hard I tried. And, I tried all day.

Oh, and for those of you who think I'm a wonderful mother, who so sweetly tell me that I inspire you, I have to be completely honest with you...

I pulled my son's hair yesterday.

I did. I'm not proud of it. I'm not promoting it. Just being real. Elijah pulled my hair accidentally while showing me something. He took a handful of strands of my hair with him. It hurt. I screamed. I may have over-reacted. But, as I said earlier I was not in the best of moods yesterday, and I think I saw it as an opportunity to let out some of my frustration. So, I reacted... overly. Then, Joshua let me know about it. He went on and on and on and on about how it really didn't hurt me that badly, how he had endured far worse than that and not reacted in such a way as that, and on and on.... I listened for a few minutes to his little speech, and then ever so quietly, ever so discreetly, I reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair and gave it a little tug.

Cringe.

I think I shocked him. He was stunned. floored. And, I was, too!! In fact, I was so taken aback at my own sin that I didn't know what to say. After I gathered myself, I asked his forgiveness, told him what I had done was totally wrong. Being the sweet thing that he is, he smiled, even chuckled, and forgave his sin-filled mama.

But, that was my day in a nutshell. When Erik and I sat in bed later that night, I confessed my sins aloud to him. I confessed my insecurities, the fears that I have been struggling with lately, I opened my heart up, and then I changed the subject.... or so I thought.... I began to tell him about the book I've been reading by Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God. I reminded him that when Rich Mullins first heard Brennan Manning speak on the love of God, on a tape in his truck, he had to pull his truck over because he was crying so hard that he could not see to drive. Then, I began to tell him about how in the book Brennan talks about how we can't preform enough for God to love us, we can't earn His love....

And, I couldn't even get the sentence out, the dam broke, the tears fell, and I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried. Because no matter how old I get, no matter how much life I live, I still struggle with the same thing!! Laying down as I am before God and accepting the fact that He loves me where I am today. I still want to be good enough. I still want to arrive. And, though my heart knows it is impossible, my will still wants to try. And, yesterday, in my mind, I had totally failed Him. I had not been the mom that I should have been. And, thus, the tears fell as once again I realized that I am loved even when I am so completely, wholeheartedly, undeniably unlovely. How deep His love and grace beyond what we can imagine or fathom!

Several years ago God gave me a little personal revelation that still today makes some people cringe when I share it. And, this is it... He is not so concerned with my perfection. Not that He wants me to live in sin. He doesn't, and I think that is why the statement is so easily confused. I am interested in perfecting myself, in using Christianity to better who I am. I am interested in being good, in being perfect. But, He is interested in me, just as I am, in relating to me, in being intimately connected to my heart. He knows I will never be perfect, and He shows me more grace than I'll ever show myself. That is why He can call an adulterer/murderer a man after His own heart. Where we as humans may not have shown David nearly as much grace. And, that is why I can believe that He loves me even when my insecurity, my sinful nature, and my daily failings tell me that I am unworthy, unlovable.

And, so it all comes down to His love for us ~ the backbone of our faith. Love. Unconditional. Undying. Never ending. Love. He loved us, so we can love others.

I sat down at my computer this morning and scanned Youtube for films of Brennan Manning. Ironically Erik Daniel crawled up into my lap and watched video after video with me. Here is one that spoke to my heart.

How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure! May you dwell richly in the fact that today, right now, you are loved with an everlasting, undying, furious love, no matter what sins you have committed, no matter how insecure or unlovely you feel. Today and always His love rests on you, so.... what is stopping you??? Believe it, and live like you do!

Winter Morning...

2011-12-07T08:42:00.001-08:00

I came out of my bedroom after getting ready for the day and was met by my Joshua. He took my hand, walked me to the window, and showed me a sprinkling of snow falling to the ground. And, as the morning grew so did those big beautiful white flakes gently, softly falling like peace from heaven down upon our home. And, though there was little accumulation, I echo JCT's sentiments when he said, "Well, even if it isn't sticking, I'm thankful it tried!!"

Oh, the peace of winter, calm and cold, dreary and damp, causing us to stay inside a bit more, stay home a bit more. And, this morning my heart was full, and how could it not be...

One little one sleeping sweetly, two cuddled together on the couch watching Frosty, two working diligently while snow falls as a beautiful backdrop through the windows behind them, coffee in hand, lazy grey dog sleeping in the middle of the kitchen, chocolate cupcakes baking, powdered sugar like snow scattered on counter, and soft Christmas music playing. I should be stressed, but today I am refusing to worry. I will get done what I get done ~ one thing at a time. Jesus is here. I feel Him with us, and I am resting in the peace of His sweetness.

Moments

2011-12-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

Moments that take my breath...

They happen everyday, and sometimes I am able to capture them...

and sometimes the moments slip away before I get the chance.

But, everyday there are moments and memories....

that I hope I never forget...

How I wish I could bottle them up and save them for later....

Finding Out About You!

2011-12-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

My love, we never dreamed that God would give you to us. We never dreamed that our sweet God would give us a little girl. We've always been a boy family, and I think we couldn't even imagine that this time around would be any different. But, we are so thankful, so amazingly thankful for the opportunity to be your parents.

We saw you for the first time on sonogram in November. We had decided to have the tech write down whether you were a girl or a boy on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and then your Daddy and I would read it together at dinner. But, when the tech went to investigate whether you were a girl or boy, you were modest. You put your little foot in just the right spot, and the tech was afraid to tell us for certain. So, she wrote her guess on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, gave it to us, and told us to come back next month.

We never opened that envelope (until after we knew you were a girl! And, for the record the tech thought you were a girl, so she was right!). We came back for our December 1st appointment with the same plan ~ to have the tech write down what you are on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. Well, she looked and looked and just never could feel just right about it. She knew what she thought, but she wanted a more experienced tech to double check her. The other tech came in, looked around for just a few moments, and said to our original tech, "It is what you think it is." Then, our tech put one of the pictures in an envelope, handed it to Erik, and sent us to see Dr. Y.

After we left the doctor's office, we went Christmas shopping. Then, around 7 or so we headed to our favorite restaurant, a very special restaurant to us. After we ordered and received our appetizer, Erik took the envelope out and pushed it toward me. I refused. I wanted him to open it and tell me. So, he opened it. I watched the expression on his face change completely as he looked at the contents of the envelope. He handed it to me to look, but I refused. I said, "I want you to tell me. Just tell me." I'll never forget what he said....

"You're going to have a daughter."

And, the dam broke. I cried and cried and cried. I still can't believe that inside me is a little girl. I didn't know that was possible. Me, who nicknamed myself a boy factory, carrying a bit of femininity...

How sweet is my God!

And, now I pray for your health and for a safe delivery, and I wait patiently until I have the privilege of meeting you. I love you so much already, and so do your brothers. We are so thankful for you! Godspeed, sweet love, godspeed...

The Big Reveal

2011-12-03T18:32:00.001-08:00

So, so, so, so much fun!!!

The Big Reveal from Erin Dukes on Vimeo.

Deana B. made the cakes for the boys to cut!! They were so cute!! She did an awesome job, and, man, it meant so much to me that they were made by her! One of my favorite moments on the video is when sweet Afton says, "We're having a girl!!" I love that she feels like we are all family! Even though Afton will be 6.5 years older than our little one, I hope they will have a special girl bond! I love that James finally got his wish. He has always wanted a sister. When I tucked him in, I asked him about how he felt about everything. He was so happy! He said, "I've never had a sister! I've always wondered what it would be like!" It was a special night full of sweet memories!

After our sweet friends left and the boys were tucked in bed and Erik went to sew up a man's hand, I sat down at the kitchen table by myself with a glass of milk and a piece of pink cake. I knew without a doubt that it would be a blue cake I would be eating that night! I was so sure. God really surprised us, all the way around, with this little one! Overwhelmed is an understatement.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, it's a.....

2011-12-02T21:08:00.001-08:00

a GIRL!!!!! :-)

Around Here

2011-11-29T15:02:00.001-08:00

It has been quiet here in our little corner of the world. We spent most of last week alternating between resting/relaxing and playing/organizing!! With the help of my sweet little men and my big man, I got so much done! I started this week refreshed and happy!

It makes such a difference in my day when my house is not overly cluttered! We got all the toys organized (has to be done at least 4 times a year) upstairs toys and downstairs toys. I was able to get the clothes bins organized and completely switched out. The boys worked outside and cleaned out the garage. And, :-) we got our Christmas decorations up making our house warm and ready for the upcoming season! Love it!

We had a little bit of excitement yesterday.....

It snowed.... In November.... How fun!! Unfortunately, it did not stick to the warm ground, but I can't tell you how fun it was to look over Joshua's shoulder this morning as we worked together on math and see sweet little white flakes floating down to the ground outside our schoolroom window. :-) I text Erik and begged him to move me farther north, but he just text back that he loves me. Oh, well!!

JCT brought this ring home to me from church Sunday. I LOVE it!! I haven't taken it off yet ~ but it is turning black, so I'll have to retire it soon!

Yesterday, we knew that the snow might come, and we were pumped!! I get a wee bit silly over snow! It is like a party around our home when snow is in the forecast!! So, to celebrate the freezing cold weather, the boys and I made peanut butter pinecones to feed the birds....

And, we made hot chocolate to drink with our afternoon reading...

We are still fairly busy, but I feel myself shifting into holiday mode. I am loving the relaxed atmosphere around our house lately! We only have this Friday and the next left of Excelsior for this semester. We are all looking forward to a nice break for Christmas!!!

It is almost time for Christmas cookies and goodies!

Another happy thing happened yesterday besides the snow... A sweet friend of mine text me to let me know that she was bringing my family dinner...

every Monday for the rest of my pregnancy!! How precious is that! She had been telling me for several months that she was praying about a way to help me. She runs the music ministry at our church and is sooo busy!!! And, I really never thought much of her saying it because really what can anyone do to help a busy mama! Other than move in and become a housekeeper! That would be quite helpful! Anyway, I was floored by her thoughtfulness!!! And, the best part is that she is an awesome cook! So, yummo!!!!! I am so grateful! She brought potato soup and chocolate chip cookies this week. Heaven. Pure heaven. I'm a sucker for creamy soups, so I was a happy, happy girl! Potato soup on a snowy cold evening!! :-)

Life is good!

Life is loud and busy and wild and chaotic around here! But, I am thankful for all of it, all the noise, busyness, and activity! There is a lot of life in our home, and that is a good thing!

Sweet Jack,

2011-11-21T12:55:00.001-08:00

I haven't written in several months. In fact, I haven't written to you since we found out that you will quickly become a big brother ~ maybe even before your first birthday!! :-) I'm not sure what it will be like for you or for me when your younger sibling arrives, but God knows. Since we are confident that it was by His own hands that this one was created, then we can be certain that He will give all of us exactly what we need each day just as we need it. You will be a great big brother, and I know that the two of you will be super close. I'll enjoy watching you grow up side by side.

But, let me tell you a little bit about you! I really thought that because you were born 5 weeks early you might take a little longer to do things, but I was wrong! You began crawling at 7 months which is right around the same time as your brothers ~ some started earlier, but some started later! And, eating solids has been an easy transition for you. Daddy even sneaks you bites of "real" food, and you are able to chew it up and swallow it like a champ! You chatter on and on and giggle and smile! You mostly say "Daddda," but I have forgiven you for this! :-) You can sit up fairly well ~ though you still prefer the tripod position with one arm propped for support. You don't have any teeth yet, but it seems all my boys are late to get teeth! You are a very happy little man and have stolen all of our hearts. I can honestly say that your brothers adore you! I think it is their ages. They are old enough to really enjoy you, and they play with you and take care of you all day long. You are their favorite toy!! Joshua is so proud. He and James always want to carry you into church, Excelsior, or the library. They are proud to be your big brothers.

We love you to pieces little fellow! It is hard to believe that next week you will be 8 months old! You are such a joy to us. Love you, little man!!

A Full Tank!

2011-11-12T20:06:00.001-08:00

Oh, me. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop, exhausted but not spent. I'm exhausted but full. Today was a good day, a full, busy, happy day, and I am thankful. Erik was out of town this weekend, so it was just me and the guys!

We went to Wally World, and the little mister sat in the big boy seat for the very first time! I think he liked it...

I bought a lot of bins to help organize the boys clothes. This is an on going effort for me. I organize, and then I reorganize, and then we have to change seasons and sizes and on and on and on...

But, on a more enjoyable note, I bought these items for "movie night with mom" as the boys call it.

Joshua said Bambi was a girl movie. Erik told me to tell him it was about hunters, but that just seemed wrong to me. Anyway, it all turned out okay, except that I didn't remember that Bambi really doesn't have a whole lot of plot to it. But, the boys didn't seem to notice, so all was well.

After Jack and Eriky went down for naps, the boys and I filled our Operation Christmas Child boxes. This is always so much fun!!!

I love OCC!!! Our church is a relay center for OCC, so it is a very big deal to us. Every year the boys do a musical to promote it. The congregation brings their boxes and at the end of the performance the children collect all the boxes and bring them to the front. They've been working hard preparing for the performance, and I can't wait to see it tomorrow night!

After we filled our boxes, the boys went to jump on the trampoline, a.k.a. their second home. :-) I followed them outside and began raking a pile of leaves for them. They quickly realized what I was up to, and from the trampoline they encouraged me, "Wow! That is awesome, Mom! Keep it up!!" "Just a little taller, Mom!! You can do it!!" "That is the best pile ever! Keep going ~ just a little bigger!!" Finally I finished up, and they could not wait to dive in! Here they are waiting for me to say, "1,2,3, GO!!!"

They tried different things like running all the way from the house to the pile down by the pond!

Then, they would dive in like it was a swimming pool!! Cannon ball!!!

Joshua...

James...

Elijah, wait, where is he???

Oh, yes, there he is!!!!

I had so much fun watching them play! I just sat criss cross applesauce and took pictures and laughed a good bit, too!!

Sweet friends.

Then, Eriky woke up, and I really started snapping pictures...

Good old fashioned fall fun...

I remember loving leaf piles as a child!

As I watched them play, I wondered if years from now they will remember this...

I hope they do.

I know that I will never forget...

their laughter mingled with the sound of crunching leaves...

It was a good day, full and busy, but, oh, so good! After they had played to their heart's content, I took them in and bathed them. They put on their pj's, and then off we went to pick up carry out Mexican food! We watched Bambi, ate Mexican, and baked our cupcakes. Here is Lije icing his...

and eating it!!

My goal for the weekend was to finish swapping winter and summer clothes. I am so behind, and I am tired of grabbing clothes out of bins!!! I did get a good bit accomplished, but I didn't get the job done! Oh, well, maybe next weekend. As I was organizing, the boys were literally at my feet. I was using the guest bed as my organizing headquarters, and they decided to play hide and seek... in the guest room!!! My first reaction was frustration. It is hard to work in a small space when four little boys are moving around, running from one another, hiding, squealing, etc. But, then, I thought about the fact that they wanted to play where I was. They wanted to be where I was. They didn't want to be downstairs or outside. They wanted to be near me. That may not always be the case? So, for today, I am thankful for the nuisance. I am thankful for the little bodies in my way.

Some days, days like today, I wish that these little men would never grow up, that they would stay little, stay with me forever. But, I know that is not what God has planned, so, for today, I am thankful. I am thankful that they think pancakes for breakfast and Mexican for dinner are awesome meals! I'm thankful for leaves that crackle and crunch and are broken up in little pieces all over my house serving as reminders of the fun we've had. I'm thankful for little green, blue, and brown eyes that look to me for help with shoelaces and shoulder pads. I'm thankful for smiles with icing mustaches. I'm thankful for bathtime and clean boys tucked sweetly in beds. I'm thankful for movie nights with mom. I'm thankful that Elijah "loves me more than a shark," and "more than 16,000 monkeys." I'm thankful that Oregon won, even if my sweet son was too tired to stay awake and see it. I'm thankful that not only are my boys good friends with each other, but the older they get the more my heart sees them as my best friends, too. I'm thankful that they still think my ideas are fun and not cheesy. I'm thankful that as I shut my computer down and lay my head upon my pillow, I can say that today was a good day. I am exhausted, but it is the good kind of exhausted. The kind of exhausted that comes from spending yourself wholeheartedly for those you love. As my sister in love would say, my love tank is full.

Perspective...

2011-11-11T15:17:00.001-08:00

It is all in the way you see things...

What is beautiful to me...

May just be ordinary to someone else...

But, there is so much beauty in the ordinary...

If our eyes are open to see the precious in the everyday...

and our hearts refuse to take the little things for granted...

Because, really, the little everyday ordinary things are what beautiful life is made of!!!!!

Reprieve...

2011-11-09T14:45:00.000-08:00

I feel it.

I feel it in the cool wind that is blowing leaves to and fro in my backyard.

A needed reprieve from busyness and excessive activity.

And, the holidays, they are knocking gently, kindly on the front door.

I feel it coming.

The peace, the slow pace, the cool, overcast days...

They are now within reach, and that makes my heart so happy!

Our family has been running like crazy for the last few months. We haven't eaten many dinners together. I haven't cooked much at all, and I cannot wait to get back at it! It is time for soup and chili, cocoa and cider! It is time to enjoy dinner together, time to be home in the evenings ~ all of us, altogether. It is time for fires in the fireplace and cuddling with books, blankets, and little boys. It is time to catch up on time together as a family. Holiday football games to watch, basketball season beginning, little boys too cold to play outside very long, and sweet little rosy cheeks when they do. Welcome November! I'm so glad we are finally here. Park league soccer and football are over, and the holidays are beckoning. :-)

Quiet One

2011-11-09T14:26:00.000-08:00

Hi, little friend! We sure enjoyed seeing you!! You are just about the sweetest thing ever!

You are the work of the Maker, and I am in awe. You came like a whisper into our little world. We never in our wildest dreams imagined God would bless us with you when He did! Just 3 short months after your big brother Jack was born, our Creator saw fit to begin work on you! When I saw those little pink lines on that cute little stick, I was completely blown away! But, life with 5 children gets busy, and you have not drawn much attention to yourself...

Quiet. You have been quiet. I had a few sick days, but nothing like I have had in previous pregnancies. And, I've hardly gained weight, growing only the littlest amount each month. And, as I type this I am 18 weeks along, and I still am not feeling you move. In fact, I asked the sonographer if you were, in fact, moving! She said you were but not a lot. Maybe you will be a calm, quiet child? Or, maybe we will read this 10 years from now and laugh at the thought!! :-) Either way, I love you tremendously. And, I am so glad that you are mine! I'm thankful to my sweet God for you!

Jumping Jack...

2011-11-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

has jumped all he can...

Sweet Baby, I love...

Could it be?

2011-10-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

Another Monday. I begin behind all over again. House cluttered. Lengthy reading assignments to conquer. Trash overflowing. Dishwasher in need of emptying. Dirty dishes waiting in the sink. Laundry needing to be washed. And, I woke up late, and it is time to start school, so I will begin behind again. I'm overwhelmed, but trying not to let the negative thoughts consume me.

We sit down at the table, journals ready, Bible at my side, and we bow our heads. I sigh deep and long before beginning our school day prayer. And, as the waves of doubt overwhelm me, I call out and beckon my God come near. I pray that He will be with us, on our minds, in our conversation, in all we do and all we are. I pray that He will fill our minds, all that we learn, that He will be in and among us as we walk through our day. I beg Him invitation to please come and fill us, fill our home, fill our hearts. Tread our concrete floors, our God. Even in the mess that surrounds me, the mess that we are, come, Lord, come. The boys send up prayers for family and friends, and we dive into our day.

And, somewhere between math and grammar, spelling and writing, I have this funny little thought. If I have invited my God here. If I have asked His Spirit to fill this place, to fill my home, then could it be that this place, this home where we live, where we learn, where we grow, could it be that this place is holy?

Could it be that this is holy ground?

Ground where children learn to help each other, learn to love each other, learn to count and sing their ABC's. This place where hungry children are fed, where we pray and sing, this place where hour after hour we learn through squabbles and struggles how to give selflessly and love unconditionally. Where Bible stories are heard for the first time and scripture is memorized. This place where sports are played, and cookies are baked. Where books are read, tears are shed, and spankings are given. Where babies are nursed and life-long friendships are formed. Where direct objects and predicate nominatives are differentiated and round pregnant bellies are treasured and prayed over. Where diapers are changed, old dogs are loved, and little eyelids fall gently in the early afternoon. Where Daddy kisses Mommy often and sweetly while little children watch, where boo boos are cared for, and children are rocked to sleep. Where foreheads are kissed, hands are held, and juice cups are filled. Where little ones are welcomed into their parents warm bed in the middle of the dark of night and where the same old casserole is made and served with love for the millionth time. This place where children are uniquely and preciously loved with a fierce, unrelenting love. And, souls like gardens are tended and pruned. Where Christ is uplifted and given precedence. Could it be that this place is holy?

Maybe I should take off my shoes?

Could these crumb covered floors be holy ground?

Could the clutter be evidence of love...

of grace...

And, maybe my mess...

is beautiful...

And, just because it isn't a blazing bush where God speaks so loud that I can literally hear His voice...

Maybe, just maybe, His presence is here just the same...

and, our Christian homes are holy ground?

Hard Love, Sweet Love

2011-10-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

Where to begin? I could write volumes about how awesome my sweet God is!! How intimate, how close, how beautiful He is. How perfect are His ways! I adore You, sweet, merciful Father! This week was one of those weeks where my God came near to me. He stooped to bend low to whisper sweetness into my ears with the gentleness and tenderness that I have come to recognize and cherish above all else.

It began on my 36th birthday, Tuesday, October 25th. I woke ready for a good day. I wore make up, eye shadow ~ even!! I never wear eye shadow unless I am going on a really hot date with my dollbaby! I put on a new sweater in one of my favorite colors ~ oatmeal! (I know I am seriously boring. My bridesmaids wore this color. I love it!) I poured a cup of coffee, got my ducks in a row, and began a slow ease into our school day. I adore my mornings with my boys. We have a calm, nice morning of school. I sip coffee and teach, and it makes me happy. So, we began, coffee in hand.

Then, I heard it....

The sound of loud trucks and machinery. Our friend was back with more equipment to cut down more trees to make more room for my beloved husband's gym. Yes, my love wants nothing more than to build a gym for our boys. Yes, a large metal building with two goals at opposite ends of the building. It will be primative at best, but he assures me that they will use it and love it. My husband grew up on the campus of a seminary. His favorite part of growing up on campus was having a gym right down the street that he could use day or night. And, he wants to give this to his boys. It is a dream he has had for several years now. We've saved up, and he is ready to make it happen. But, unfortunately, it requires the sacrifice of some of my favorite things ~ beautiful trees. Ohhh.... the pain.

So, on the anniversary of the day of my birth, our friend, Greg, destroyed my property at my husband's request. I cried. All. Day. Long. I began crying around 10:00, and I couldn't stop. Friends called to tell me happy birthday, and I let voicemail pick up the calls. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Deana B wanted to bring me a happy. I text her and asked her to please save it for another day. Joshua begged me, "Don't look outside again, Mommy. I don't like to see you cry." Elijah said, "You can't cry! It's your birthday!" To which JCT replied quickly, "It is her birthday! She can do whatever she wants! If she wants to cry, she can cry!" He's never heard that song, so that statement actually made me smile!

Beautiful fall trees with lives cut short! Mercy, I was so upset. And, in their place dirt lay open bare. Desolate. Lonely. Empty. Ugly. These words ran around and around in my head all day. I was hurt. I was angry. I was bitter. But, mostly, I was sad.

Erik and I had a fundraising dinner to attend that evening. He got an earful all the way there and all the way home, and unfortunately for him, the dinner was in a town 20 minutes away. He, as per his usual, took it like a man. He was quiet. He listened. I think at one point he teared up a little. He loves me so much more than I deserve, and he hates to see me upset. And, for me to be this upset about anything is rare. At one point I looked at him with eyes brimming full and asked him to please ask Greg to put them all back!!! Neither of us slept much at all that night. Hard.

I woke up the next morning just as sick at my stomach about the whole thing as I was the day before. I looked out my kitchen window to the right and saw the wide open dirt filled space where woods used to be and literally held myself back from losing my breakfast right then and there. My eyes instantly filled with tears again, and Joshua begged me, "Mama, please don't start crying again. Please! I hate to see you cry." But, I couldn't help it. Joshua's favorite climbing tree ~ gone. The boys favorite woods to play indians and explorers in ~ gone. My heart was broken. So, I did what any girl in this situation would do...

I called my mom.

I complained. I cried. I poured out my heart over the phone.

And, she did what she always does. She listened. And, then after I had finished my tirade, she gave me tough, hard love. The first thing she said to me was something like this...

"I understand why you are upset. I understand, and I would feel the same way. Give yourself a little bit of time to mourn, but then do not set up shop there. Satan would like nothing more than to allow this to cause a rift between you and Erik. Do. not. let. it. It is not that important. I know Erik is hurting right now because you are so upset. You need to let this go. Move on. God will be glorified through even this."

So, I got off the phone with her and joined my boys in the school room. I made the choice. I was moving forward, looking heavenward, eyes off myself. A little bit later I sent Erik a text that said simply this... "I love you more than trees."

I finally forced myself to walk outside and look at the irreparable damage. I walked Rain to the mailbox and got the mail, something I had been afraid to do because it required my looking at the wide open empty space where our woods used to be.

And, guess what was in the mailbox? A present from my sweet friend, Sara. I opened it as I walked back toward our house. And, this is what was in the package...

Alli Roger's new CD ~ Why We Sing

Tears immediately filled my eyes because I knew God had sent this to me through Sara's hands. He knew when I needed it most. He sent it on the very day! I glanced at the clear blue sky and praised Him!! I couldn't get inside the house to play it fast enough!! I held Jack, rocking him, and listened to every song one time, soaking in the words, soaking in His ever close loving presence. He poured His love over me right there in the kitchen dancing with Jack, dancing for Him alone, while boys played wildly behind me. I worshipped right there in the midst of the chaos. No one else was in the room ~ or so it seemed, anyway.

And, here I sit one day later my cup still overflowing. His goodness, His faithfulness overwhelms me! As I type my sons are outside on the trampoline watching the dump trucks go in and out of our yard. I hear the slamming closed of the back of the truck after a load of dirt has been emptied. I hear the beep beeping of the trucks backing up and backing out. But, there is peace, overwhelming, amazing peace. I can look out at the dirt and not feel sick. It is what it is. My prayer is only that He would be somehow glorified through all of this.

It was a simple reminder for me that His ways are best. Even when I can justify my reasons, my anger, my hurt. Laying it down as an offering, as a sacrifice, it is the way to peace. And, how faithful He is to meet us there, to come near, to stoop to our level, to love us, to walk through our issues with us no matter how big or how small they are. Sweet Emmanuel, thank You for walking this life journey with me. There is no greater joy on this silly spinning planet than to relate to You, O great Creator and Lord!

An Afternoon at the Pumpkin Patch!

2011-10-24T15:09:00.001-07:00

A trip to our favorite pumpkin patch...

We had to drive about 40 minutes to get there. And, it wasn't until I put the van in park in that big open grass field that I realized my billfold was at home. No money. None. Thankfully, I was meeting sweet friends who offered to pay for our family! (We are not a cheap date!) But, I am even more thankful that when the owners of this sweet establishment heard of my plight, they told me not to worry about a thing! They offered to let me mail them a check! :-) Meagan vouched for my character, and later when I went home, I wrote the check and mailed it the very next day! Happy ending! :-)

First we drove these little thingys around...

This is sweet Summer and her youngest son...

She is so polar opposite of me! We went to a women's conference together this past weekend, and she leaned over to me during one of the speakers and whispered, "My husband just text me. He bought me bullets! That's love, Baby!!" She cracks me up! After the first session of praise and worship, I realized we needed to have a talk. She bounced and danced a bit ~ so happy! So, I whispered, "I have to tell you, Summer, I have no rhythm!" She laughed, tossed her long black hair over her shoulder and said, "You're white, ehh??" I said, "Yes!" She smiled and said, "Well, you need to know that I was raised charismatic before I married my good Southern Baptist husband!" And, I felt like at that point we had an understanding. It was a fun day! Sweet Summer was raised all over the world from Guatemala to Taiwan by missionary parents.

I digress...

Onto the trailer we went...

Sweet kiddos...

Meagan and Mobley...

First stop...

Animals! Eriky loved this!!!

Lije milking the pretend cow...

The hay maze...

Elijah and Summer's little boy Jack! They are in class together on Fridays. Jack cracks me up! One day after I explained step by step how we were going to make a certain craft, Jack looked up at me and said, "Okay, girl!! I'm on it!!!" :-)

The first pumpkin Eriky picked up was rotten. He dropped it, and it smashed into a squishy mess on the ground! Ooops!

Joshua and his pick...

Sweet Lije...

We had a really good time! Believe it or not, it was very relaxing and fun!!

Me and my boys...

Slow and See...

2011-10-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up behind. I didn't do the things that I needed to this weekend in order to help begin my week on the right foot. Laundry cluttering my laundry room folded, but not yet put away. They've been sitting in baskets waiting since last Thursday. Piles of laundry waiting to be washed in baskets beside them. Counters cluttered, bar stools covered in church clothes and shoes ~ the remains of a busy weekend.

But, still we begin. We pray. We dive into our work, and I am one hundred percent teacher. There will be no catching up until after 3, and even then it may not happen. Oh, how I hate to start weeks this way!!

Scripture recitations to memorize, history readings to work through, letters to write, chapters of literature to read aloud, a new Latin declension to introduce, math lessons to do, and direct objects to diagram... I try to stay one step ahead of them, but I feel the clouds of doubt hovering, the dark gloom of the overwhelming. How will we get all this done? Families with only 2 kids ~ how much easier it must be to accomplish all this!! Or, families with all older children, I could do that! But, this, Lord, this, it is too much! And, Jack needs to be fed, and Elijah needs help with cutting and glueing shapes in their proper places... And, I am pulled this way and that, my heart overwhelmed and torn...

And, then He comes, and I remember. And, He whispers... "I'm here. Just do your best. You were never meant to do this by yourself. Tend my lambs, and I will take care of the rest. Tend their souls first, and then their hearts, and then their minds. Do what you can do and leave the rest to Me. Let Me fill your gaps. Rest and Trust."

Rest and Trust.

And, the clouds of doubt begin to clear a bit...

And, we dive into Thutmose the III and Jack begins to fuss, and I read and rock and read and nurse, and I remember and cling to His whispers.

And, we dive into our novel, and a voice calls from the bathroom... and I put down book and go...

And, I listen to little one sound out little words while bouncing baby boy on my knee and an older brother beckons from the kitchen table needing help with math...

And, I realize again that I can't do it all, and I feel my muscles relax a bit, begin to rest in Him, to trust...

And, I rescue baby brother from older brother balancing himself on side of pack and play tipping it a bit...

And, Fernando Ortega sings "Grace and peace" over my home, fall candle fills the kitchen with sweet warmth...

And, biggest boy surprises me with a bear hug from behind, and tells me, "I really love you, Mom..."

And, dog barks loudly startling me, and violin sings jingle bells from the laundry room hitting a wrong note here and there and making my heart smile...

And, I nurse sweet baby watching his toes wiggle happy on my leg and his fingers reach for a stray hair of mine, and my heart sings joy...

And, I breathe deep of this warm sunny afternoon, dog on leash, and air full of little boy giggles...

And, we go over grammar while I prepare food, and it isn't ideal, it isn't perfect, but it works...

And, I straighten school room, tidying papers, and cupping a sweet little superhero face in my hands and kissing his forehead slow. Can I freeze this moment in time...

And, I warm frozen milk, make baby cereal, and giggle as he chews his cereal as if I have given him a spoonful of steak...

And, the orange ball of light begins to tuck itself into the trees behind Mr. Cole's house, and the big boy dons shoulder pads...

And, the laundry sits unattended still at day's end, and the school checklist has boxes left unchecked, but I have tended little lambs to the best of my ability.

And, I breathe a deep long breath, a thankful prayer to my faithful God.

Oh, it is hard and long and trying, but, oh, there is so much good when I slow and see...

Seasons

2011-10-14T19:54:00.000-07:00

Seasons of life...

the ebbs and flows... the never knowing... the following... trusting... putting your head down and just walking on through seasons, ever changing, never the staying the same.

Life is never quite what we expect. Neither the good nor the bad are predictable. My belly is a bit swollen and round, and after 15 weeks I still look over at my Erik and say, "Can you believe we are pregnant?" Like, where did this come from? It wasn't scribbled in on my to do list for this year. It wasn't what I expected, but it is good. I'm thankful that God writes our stories instead of us. I might have stopped at four, and can I imagine life without my Jack? I wouldn't want to. And, my heart is so ready for this next little one. I am so happy to be with child once again! :-)

A few weeks ago we dedicated our baby Jack ~ all seven of us standing before the congregation. And, I giggled to Erik later that it was a first for us ~ dedicating the child we held in our arms while another child was growing deep inside.

I'm not getting much sleep these days. Jack is in a routine of waking 3 times at night. He quickly returns to sleep, but still... And, pregnancy helps to make me weary some days. I took the boys to the pumpkin patch with some friends earlier this week. It was a fun and relatively easy outing. My boys are good to me, and I am so thankful. If they were not, I fear we'd have to stay home because I couldn't handle it all by myself. But, they are helpers. They carry things for me, hold the baby, and watch their younger brothers. I'm thankful. But, at the day's end I was tired, so, so tired. And, I fell into bed knowing that it wouldn't be long before my precious fuzzy headed friend would need me. But, as I lay there, I pondered deeply my day ~ and not just this day ~ all of these days.

These are some of the hardest days of my life. And, by hard I mean physically hard ~ mostly. But, also, I mean hard because I am laying aside the things that I selfishly desire for the ones I love most. Elisabeth Elliot once said that her parents taught her this in regard to her brothers and sisters, "My life for yours." Christ lived out daily. My life for yours. For this season, it is for me, my life for theirs. And, it feels good. It feels right. I'm tired. I'm worn out daily. The old ladies at my church watch me walk my children into Wednesday night activities, and they smile and say, "Bless your heart." And, oh, it is blessed!! God has used this time to strip me and teach me to live for someone besides myself, and oh, how I needed that! I need it still! I am thankful for the hard. I am thankful that I, who used to struggle with the inability to fall asleep, rarely wrestles with thoughts deep in the dark of night. I'm worn too ragged to wrestle. I've simply given up, given in, and often feel that I am just falling into His arms. It's never been my life to plan and choose, anyway, right?

Falling into bed exhausted, completely spent, means I did something today. I gave of myself today, and that feels good. I spend a lot of time and energy complaining that my life is hard. Sometimes I tell Erik that, "No one understands. No one has any idea..." But, even as I complain, I wouldn't have it any other way, not for a second. Not for one single second.

The winds of change are blowing. I can feel them, their gentle breeze cool and soft in my face. We lost some trees this week, and this was quite hard for me...

However, it has not been hard for my husband who is quite excited about the changes coming. I'm a little more reserved, holding my breath, waiting... There is a hole in our woods now. :-( But, it was a carefully constructed, planned out hole.

The day our friend came with the bulldozer Eriky asked me to read The Giving Tree to him at nap time. I had to laugh at his choice! Here I was mourning the trees our friend was taking down, and he wants me to read The Giving Tree! Oh, the irony! I got about halfway through the book when sweet Eriky stopped, hugged his silky, looked up at me with big brown eyes, thumb in his mouth, and said, "I just love that tree!" Oh, heart smile!!! :-) I just love him!

But, to come full circle, I pray that I can be like that sweet tree always giving, always happy. I make Eriky finish the sentence each time the book reads, "And, the tree was..." pause, wait for little man, "Happy!"

"Who was happy?" I ask him. "The tree," he answers. "Was the boy happy?" I probe. "No," he says after thinking a minute. I agree, "No, the boy wasn't happy. He was always searching, always wanting more. So, who was happy ~ the one who gave or the one who took?" He looks at me, big brown eyes full of thought, "The tree who gave."

Let it be with me, Lord. Oh, that I would be willing daily to give my apples, my branches, even my trunk. Let me not be fooled by the lies of this world telling me that happiness comes from having more and more, from being served. True joy is found in laying down my life for You, for others. Give me eyes to see Your truth and courage and strength to act on it.

Questions

2011-10-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

First, I want to answer two questions left in my comments from a previous post. The first question was about what astronomy curriculum we are using. The boys do astronomy through our co-op, and my friend, Nichole, uses a combination of two astronomy curriculums. She uses Apologia Exploring Creation with Astronomy and Jay Ryan's Signs and Seasons. I hope that helps!

The second question was, what did I say to Joshua when he made the comment that all through time people have been against the Jews? I simply complimented him on his perceptiveness. When I told Erik about it later, he said, "Did you tell him it was because the Jews are God's chosen people?" No, but if I had it to do over, that is what I would say!!

In other news... Life has been it's usual craziness here. My boys keep me so busy, but so happy. :-) I was doing Grammar with Joshua when Eriky came into the schoolroom to show us how he was storing his fruit roll ups for later...

In case I haven't mentioned it, we are all about ancient Egypt here. All about it! The boys love it! They eat up their history lessons about various Pharoahs. For some reason this is so interesting to them. Joshua read The Golden Goblet in literature, and we loved it!!! I was having trouble not reading ahead!! He has to do a project for literature each semester, and he chose to make a golden goblet for his project this semester...

The shorts on his head? Yes, he and his brothers do this when they play Egyptians in the backyard. I had to call him away from their reenactment of the Hyksos invasion to spray paint his goblet! The goblet has Thutmose's name engraved in hieroglyphics. Joshua was so proud! He (with the help of the master sculptor, his Daddy) sculpted the goblet out of Crayola air dry clay. It worked perfectly!

Another crazy Egyptian son of mine...

Here they are playing a game they made up called "Mummified" where they wrap each other in a white blanket.

It is never boring around here! Not even for one little second!

Fickle

2011-10-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

I'm fickle.

I cannot deny it. I've always been fickle.

It all depends on the weather. I'm not liking someone so much, then they do something halfway nice ~ instant forgiveness and friends again! Horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day, then I get a happy from Amazon in the mail, and it is the best day ever!!!!!!

But, you know what?

There is one thing I've never been fickle about, one decision I made that I never questioned.

It all began at a fifth quarter when I met a young man in an Alabama cap. He carried a little tiny Bible that he called his pocketknife. And, after spending very little time together, I took a walk with God to discuss this young southern gentleman who was taking up residence in my thoughts.

I remember it like it was yesterday, beautiful sunny spring day, and I was walking alone to class with a little bounce in my step. I was smitten. So, I smiled up to the clear blue sky, and said...

"Lord, I really like Erik....

but I like You more!"

And, then my heart giggled for a second, but quickly grew quiet before my first love Who up until this time had not had any competition for my heart. Oh, but my heart was wholly His and still is! The beauty of the three strands! I quieted my joy, and continued my conversation with this... "Lord, today I want to lay all 6 foot 7 inches of Erik on the altar. He is yours, as am I. I want what you want, not what I want, nothing more or less. I will not arouse or awaken love until You so desire it." The last part is a verse from Song of Solomon that Erik and I claimed throughout our dating relationship.

We were always friends. We really weren't boyfriend/girlfriend until we were engaged. I never really knew what was coming next. God just asked me to trust Him, to trust Erik, to wait, to be patient, to not press Erik for answers, but simply to trust. Those were 2 good, but difficult years. I could write a book about the lessons Jesus taught me as I walked through those days of uncertainty clinging to Him, not Erik, loving Him first, then Erik. Trusting. Erik never wanted us to become confused in our relationship by making it too romantic, and he was committed to presenting his bride pure. So, we were friends ~ friends who kissed on occasion! :-)

Few things in my life have I been more sure of than this. I decided that spring day that I would wait. And, wait, I did. I never looked back. I was never fickle when it came to my Erik. My soul loved his soul, and his soul was worth waiting a thousand years for. There would be no other. How could I date another after knowing him. I had found the one that my soul loved, and I never looked back, never questioned, never wanted any more or less. I saw Jesus in him, and I was drawn to Him in him.

On the one year anniversary of our marriage, after living one complete year beside him, after being loved and served by him, cared for and protected by him, nurtured and respected by him, I sat across a dimly lit table, stared deep into his soul, and said these words that I had thought of mid year and rehearsed over and over again waiting for God to give me the right moment to say them....

"I have learned more about Christ's love from living one year with you then I have in all the years before."

And, isn't that the Biblical picture of marriage. Christ laying down His life for the church. The husband the leader, the Earthly picture of Christ.

He had washed my feet, literally, time and again, day in and day out. Like a little flower, I had blossomed in the rich soil of his love.

Life is hard. It can be cold, bitter winds will blow. Relationships can be confusing.

But, God made love as an earthly refuge from these things, and Erik has always been that for me. Our love has always been simple and sweet. Just easy.

I never have to wonder if he means what he says.

I know.

I never have to wonder if he will rescue me when I am in need.

He will be there.

Easy like Sunday morning. No trying to figure out how to read between the lines and what did that mean? Just simple, easy. Just love. We aren't overly affectionate in public. I don't need moonlit dances or romantic dinners and vacations. I don't have a lot of expectations but neither does he.

Easy.

A simple kiss goodbye. A knowing glance from across a crowded room. A smile. A shoulder squeeze during a church service. Long familiar fingers reaching for my hand to send secret messages to me through special handholdings that mean sacred things.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I'm just thankful, and it hit me the other day that I wanted to tell my sweet love, how thankful I am. Thankful for every kiss, every hand squeeze in the middle of the night, every "I love you," every time I wake up and find the dishwasher unloaded or the laundry folded, every time you start my car and back it out for me when I'm running late on Friday mornings, every sweet random text you send for no reason except to say how you love me, how thankful you are for us, every little everything you do. I'll never deserve you, but I'll always love you.

You may kid me about my fickleness, but you must know that I have never, never ever, been fickle about you.

Crazy!

2011-10-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

Life has been a little crazy lately, and I have been a little tired. I used to be a fairly high energy girl, and it has been said (but, of course, not by my husband ;-) that I am in most instances an annoyingly happy morning person. But, I'll be honest, I'm just not feeling it these days. Jack thinks waking up twice during the night is great fun, but, unfortunately, it leaves me blurry eyed and stumbling around most of the morning. I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea!

But, life does not stop for tired mamas! So, we've been living a lot of life here in our little corner of the world, and that has been a big blessing ~ even if I do yawn every so often...

This post is mainly for people like my mom who enjoy glimpses into our everyday, stories from the chaos that doesn't always allot for much talk time. But, this post, just uploading the pictures, has been therapeutic for me. I always take pictures, a few everyday, but I rarely reflect on them. These pictures are from our life over the past two weeks or so. It has been nice to see all the fun we've had even though it all is but a blur to me! I'm so thankful! These are in random order with no particular reason for being in this collection other than the fact that they were taken recently!!

James took this picture of me drilling Joshua for his Friday tests. I thought it was a great picture of my everyday life right now!! :-)

I am so thankful. My heart is full! Life feels as if it is moving at breakneck speed these days, but, still, even still, life is good. Life is full and rich and good. Every night I have the privilege of tucking in five precious clean little boys. And, I can kiss their foreheads, and they are beautiful and well and good. We have so much to be thankful for, and I am not, not even for a second, willing to take it for granted! God is good, and life is so sweet. They go to sleep smelling like this...

It is the scent of my sweet babies. Joshua and James no longer use this. :-( But, they still smell fresh and clean and are safely cuddled under warm covers on nights that lately have been quite cool!

God's word is my strength on weak days. It is life and breath and wisdom. I love the pages, the words, God's heart lay open for us to soak in and refresh our weary souls.

This has been a big part of our life the last few weeks...

Joshua is so happy. He is having so much fun. I'll be honest, it is not my favorite thing, but I am supporting him! He is loving every minute of it!

Jack is growing and changing! He has mellowed out into such a sweet little guy! And, his big brothers still think he is the greatest gift ever given to them!!

I love the bonds that bind sweet little boy hearts together. They play outside every afternoon, and it is always all together. They rarely split up 2 and 2. They pretty much play together all 4 of them. And, it makes this mama's heart smile to look out the window and see them creating....

exploring...

imaging...

completely immersed in play...

together here on this little 7 acre piece of land Erik and I chose to buy a little over 10 years ago.

We thought it would be the perfect place to raise our little ones even though we had no children at the time. Who knew we would fill this little home to overflowing!! That we would renovate not once but now most likely twice. People ask why we don't just buy a bigger house?

We couldn't even think of it. This is home. It is such a part of us. My heart will break in two when I have to leave this place one day. It is good to be home, and it is even better to be home in autumn!!

The fall weather has been so beautiful that we have taken our work outside a good bit. The sunshine refreshes me. It just feels good...

This day was a bit chilly, but I had the itch, so I took the books outside.

James Christofer did his work wrapped in a blanket. :-) I had my hot tea to keep me warm from the inside out!

Teaching Elijah this year has been such a joy! He loves to do his preschool work especially when it requires scissors and glue! He is such a doll baby, and I love introducing him to so many new fun things.

This is where Jack plays a lot. He is very happy here right now, and it helps me so much to have him safe and contained!

But, often I walk by checking on him and find him like this...

Look at those little legs! Life is good!! I get to squeeze those cute little legs all day long!!

Elijah loves to help and teach Eriky how to do new things! The other day he told me that Eriky was his "bestest buddy"!!! Ohhh, happy for mama's heart to hear! :-)

I love my Eriky...

I'm not sure, but I think he may be our family clown!! He is a happy little dude! Here he is pretending to read on the potty...

Joshua has had a blast learning Astronomy this year. We do lots of outdoor observations and record them in his field guide. He prefers literature and history to math and science, but Astronomy really challenges that! This, so far, has been a really fun learning year for him.

He has been studying ancient Egypt lately, and he is totally into it. He wants to be an archaeologist... today, anyway. And, for "movie night with mom" as the boys call it (When Erik is at away football games on Friday nights, we watch movies), we watched the Prince of Egypt. And, in the middle of the movie, Joshua got very serious and quiet. He looked at me with thinking eyes and a heart putting pieces of a little puzzle together, and he asked, "Mommy, why does everybody not like the Jews. I mean, Mom, all through history, Pharaohs in Egypt all the way to what we studied last year about Hitler. Why is everyone against the Jews?" You are growing in wisdom and stature, sweet one, and I am so proud of you!

And, this kid right here, he kills me. He totally cracks me up, but he isn't clownish silly like Eriky. No, he is as witty as they come! I love him!!!!!!

He can snap me out of bad moods in a way that no one else except his father can do. I can be so serious and so angry, and they can say one little thing.... And, no matter how hard I try... I have to laugh ~ even when everything in me tries to fight it ~ I just have to laugh. The other day I was sitting in my little peace chair trying to nurse Jackaroo. All five children like to be wherever I am, and I am thankful for this. I love that they like to be with me, but when I nurse Jack it is hard. Every time they talk or jump or squeal or anything Jack comes off and looks around. So, I had asked them nicely to leave several times, and they weren't moving fast enough. So, I finally got a little angry and said in a slightly :-) raised voice "Please leave. I'm overstimulated!!! There are too many people too close to me!!! Please go now!!!!!" Instead of just leaving, James Christofer Truett came up to me and put both his hands on the arm of my chair. He got eye level with me, completely serious. And, in a tone of voice that was meant to calm me down and let me know it was going to be okay, he said....

"Okay, I'm just going to go get in the dishwasher."

He is a nut! But, he ruined my bad mood with that one comment. I laughed so hard that I cried. Then, I couldn't even get the words out to tell Erik the story when he got home because I was laughing too hard. You just have to know James. He's a hoot! Goodness, I love being his mom!

And, gotta love sweet Lije, too. Everybody loves Lije. He's sweet and sensitive and good to the core!
His heart is big, big, big!

Sometimes in the morning my heart just swells. Breakfast with Dad is a sweet time. I love to watch the boys eat their breakfast slow and enjoy being together. They have a good time.

I'm telling you, Eriky is the class clown!

Afternoons are for reading around here ~ reading to mom, reading to yourself, reading to your brothers, and mom reading aloud to all of them. I love the peace of reading during nap time.

See this little guy. He is a charmer like JCT used to be. He cried when I left him in the nursery at Excelsior this past Friday. He cried pretty hard but only for a couple minutes. Then, Meagan came in and asked if she could take him to Starbucks. I said yes. A little while later I looked out the window and saw Meagan and Eriky walking from her car back to the school. Meagan was carrying a latte and Eriky a Horizon Chocolate Milk, and he was smiling and talking and having the time of his life! He is something! Mr. Brown eyes...

And, I have to add this picture of a sweet boy in my preschool class. He had a Walmart bag for show and tell, but inside the Walmart bag was something wrapped in a towel. Who would have guessed that he had a real alligator head in there!!!

Seriously. His "PaPa" wrestles alligators and apparently he is quite good at it. He surprised his teacher with this one!

Life is good!

First Day 2011

2011-09-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

We are all ready to go...

to Excelsior again!! :-)

The boys are all in different classes this year! Joshua has moved up into the 3rd and 4th grade class. JCT is with the 1st and 2nd graders, and Elijah is with the pre-k/K class! They were all excited to be back!

Our first day was actually 4 weeks ago, but I am a wee bit behind in the record keeping department! This pregnant/little baby up off and on all night deal is wearing me slap out!!

Anyway, Eriky and Jack hang out in the "nursery" while I teach classes from 8-10.

Well, I leave Eriky in the nursery with Mrs. Patti, who has 6 children and is PRECIOUS! He stays in there while I teach Elijah's class Circle time, Literature, and History. Then, at 9:30 I leave that room and go to JCT's class to teach geography. When I get out of geography, I always find Eriky in Elijah's class?? I'm not sure how he gets in there, but, it never fails, he is always in there with a big cheesy grin on his face!! Jessica (who teaches during that time) always wants him to stay with them at least through snack and recess! So, I nurse Jack, talk a bit in the teacher's lounge, and let Eriky have exactly what he wants! Silly monkey thinks he is Elijah's age!! If he had it his way, he'd be in that class this year. Next year, sweet Eriky, next year!!!

All the prep and planning has helped! We've really had a great year so far! The workload has increased a lot for Joshua this year. Latin is much more challenging ~ conjugating verbs, etc, not just memorizing words like it was last year. But, he loves learning Latin!! It is his second favorite subject after Literature. The thing I am most excited about is that he is loving all his studies this year! He is really loving to learn! Yesterday, we crammed for all his Friday tests. He had tests in History, Latin, Astronomy, Literature, Bible, and dictionary drills in grammar. So, we sat down and went over all his notes for those classes in the afternoon. I fixed him a snack, got Elijah and JCT settled in playing, and began quizzing away. He had an art class and football practice later in the afternoon, and we studied up until it was time to leave. He usually gets a couple hours to play outside every afternoon, so I apologized to him as we began to study. I said, "Buddy, I'm sorry, we are going to have to work through the afternoon." He said, seriously, he really said this, "Oh, I don't mind! I like it! It's fun!" I was floored, but thankful! All his classes genuinely interest him this year, and that is so fun!

Last year I was very guarded about Excelsior. I liked it, but I was just not ready. I wasn't so sure. But, this year with Joshua gaining so much from the older program, I am increasingly more thankful for the program. The moms put so much into their classes, and they make learning so hands on and fun for the kids. For example, today Joshua was tested over the Gilgamesh trilogy. His sweet literature teacher, Mrs. Connie, does a tasting for every book they read. They feast on the fare of that particular time period. So, they ate like Mesopotamians today ~ goats milk, jerkey, and a sweet bread. Joshua actually tasted the goat's milk, but he said he didn't like it!!! Then, she brought them all clay tablets that they got to carve their cuneiform initials into! I am so thankful for all that the moms put into their classes, and it challenges me to do all that I can to make class fun and exciting for their children, as well!

A few months ago I went on a mom's night out with a handful of the other moms. I never took the time to post the pictures, so I am going to do it now.

The sweet girl on the left is Nichole. She teaches Joshua astronomy, and she makes it so fun! He is outside observing the sun and the stars day and night! She is also the mom of four boys, and my Joshua broke his collarbone playing football with her boys!! :-) The girl in the middle is new this year, and she took over my job as lunch lady. Bless her! And, sweet Summer is on the right! I love her because she says whatever she thinks, and she hunts deer ~ not that we have that in common or that I'd ever want to kill a deer ~ but it just says something about the kind of girl she is!! She also teaches Joshua grammar, and makes everything a competition which he, of course, loves! I had to speak to her church's women's ministry this week! I was so nervous about it, and sweet Summer sat right beside on the front row and gave me lots of encouragement and moral support!

Shanna is on the left, and she is my parter in teaching preschool. We are a team from 8-9:30 on Fridays. She actually worked in a preschool, so I have learned so much from her! Side note: I LOVE teaching the preschoolers!!!!! They are sooo sweet and cute! Shanna is great ~ laid back and fun! Meagan is in the middle. I spent the afternoon at her house today letting our younger kids play while her son Miles and Joshua stayed for their afternoon classes. She is a sweet girl. She teaches JCT astronomy and Bible, and she teaches Elijah catechism. And, Tammy is on the right. Tammy did lunches the year before me, and she helped me tremendously! Now she teaches Joshua Latin. She is a hard teacher but a very good teacher. She is one of the most organized people I know!

Amy is on the left, and she is a college math professor, so she is my go-to girl for any and all math questions! Then, on my right is Penny. Penny is so helpful. Penny has two grown children, a son in college and a daughter who has already graduated from college. And, now Penny and her husband are raising round 2! They adopted two sweet children from China. They are in 4th grade, so Joshua gets to hang out with them for some of his classes this year.

All in all, we are really enjoying this year. I'm not sure how we will make it all work next year, but I feel sure God will put all the pieces together just as He would have them to be. I'm trying so hard not to look at the left or the right, but to keep my eyes fixed on Him. But, sometimes that is not easy! Day by day.... Breath by breath....

Another welcome surprise!

2011-09-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Although, since little Jackaroo was only 3 months old when this little one was conceived, I'd say this one was a bit more of a surprise than the last two! It is so funny to me how we planned and tried so hard for the first three kiddos, and the last three have all been sweet surprises from the Giver of all good gifts! :-)

When I called Dr. Y's office to make a new pregnancy visit, the receptionist took my name, looked me up in her computer, and then said in a confused voice, "Ok.... now.... were you just here in May?" I giggled nervously and said, "Yes, Ma'am, I was." Then, she laughed and said, "Just wanted to check and make sure I had the right patient!"

I'm feeling great! Not so sick as I was last time. In fact, I feel so good it kind of worries me...

But, I'm a worrier so that is to be expected. I think I worry a little more each time. Just praying for a healthy little one!

Elijah and I walked Rain today just the two of us. Out of the blue, he looked up at me and said, "Mommy, you know what is the best part??? I'll tell you, Mommy, I'll tell you what is the best part! The best part is that now Jack will have a little baby friend!!"

Our very own half dozen. :-)

The Calm Before the Syllabus...

2011-08-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

Thursday night.

Thursday night Erik and I go to our co-op's parent meeting, and it is then and there that we will receive two very important things....

My baby monkey!! :-)

I had to throw that pic in!!!

#1 We will receive syllabi for all of our boys' classes!

#2 And, we will, also, come home with a large box full of books, books, workbooks, more books, and a couple additional books. I get all giddy when I go through the history and literature books!! :-)

We have so enjoyed easing into the school year ~ just doing the core subjects. I keep reminding the boys that more is coming.... And, so Thursday night I will receive all of their assignments for next week through the end of the school year, and I will spend several hours this weekend playing with hours and minutes and fitting it all into a neat little schedule or attempting to, anyway! And, the calm before the syllabus will be over. :-)

I am so excited about all that they will learn this year, and all that I will learn, too, right beside them!

Here are a few pictures of the boys enjoying the slow pace of the last two weeks...

I caught him just like this... cute!

A happy bunch of boys!

James got to play with pattern blocks as part of an assignment the other day! He got to use his imagination and make something. I thought his design was so pretty!!!

Big boys receive happy tokens for reading to little boys!

Meet Buddy. He has been a big hit around here!

Eriky's turn to say Grace at lunch.

I can hardly contain my giggles when he prays. He is so serious about his praying!

He is a ridiculously cute pray-er!!!

Lije climbed his very first tree this week with the help and instruction of his expert tree climbing brothers! :-) He was soooo excited! Of course, I had to help him down the first couple times, but eventually, he got the hang of it!!

Silly monkey!

Lije fell asleep on my lap while listening to one of his big brothers read to me. He is four, and he still falls asleep in my lap about once a week. I know it won't last much longer, so I am soaking it up!!!

Playing games with Lije.

I don't have many pictures of the big boys! Oops! Their work isn't as colorful or fun! We've had a fun week and a half. I'm a little concerned about fitting everything in after I see the dreaded syllabi tomorrow night. But, I know it will all work out! Step by step. More and more I am learning that God orders my days, and they often do not work out according to my plans. But, He knows what truly needs to be accomplished each day. And, sometimes a broken heart or a child who simply needs a little extra attention comes before the checklist. Isn't all of life about being sensitive to His Spirit? Guide our steps, Lord, each and every little step.

Four Month Old Jackaroo!!

2011-08-16T20:43:00.001-07:00

Hi, Mr. Four months!

Man, you are stealing my heart! You have such a sweet personality, and it is really beginning to shine through!! Your brothers adore you! They are absolutely crazy about you ~ never leaving you alone!! They always want to hold you, lay beside you, tickle you, or dance in front of you and make you laugh!!

You have such sweet big brothers!!

You are really beginning to be a lot of fun ~ playing with things and interacting with us! You are still sleeping in the pack and play beside our bed, and you are not yet on a firm schedule.

You look like a combination of all your brothers. I can see every one of them in you at one time or another. I love how they love you and how you love them with all your big smiles and giggles. We are so glad to have you in our family! We love our little Jackaroo!

Good Old Rain Dog.

2011-08-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

I often tell people that Rain has been with Erik longer than I have.

I guess that isn't entirely true. Erik and I had been dating a year and a half when Erik got Rain. He says that I mentioned wanting a dog, but I knew that my dad wouldn't let me have one. So, Erik claims he bought Rain for me. But, really, I think he bought Rain for himself. :-) Or, maybe, he bought Rain for us.

Regardless, thirteen years ago a single guy living all alone, bought a dog, and our little family began.

Rain has always been a healthy dog except for a few UTI's. And, I think we've always assumed he'd be with us forever. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago...

Rain started panting and pacing unable to rest well or find comfort. So, we took him to the vet, and they discovered a large tumor on his spleen. So, we opted to have surgery to remove it. But, when he went in for surgery, we didn't know what they would find upon opening him up. And, we didn't know how well he would handle surgery being so old and all. They gave us a little time alone with him before surgery...

It is crazy to pet your dog's soft fur and silky his sweet ears and know that it just might be the last time.

One five pound tumor later and Rain was good. He had a few setbacks, a little bout with pancreatitis, but, all in all, he did well for a dog his age.

He had to stay with the vet for 5 days, and we missed him so much! The boys did very well until Erik's brother and their family left, and then suddenly they began to notice his absence. Joshua made a sign and hung it from the mailbox asking those who pass by to please "Pray for my dog Rain." And, he made this replica of Rain and lay it on his bed...

We went to visit Rain several times during his stay. They let us take him outside and pet him and spend a few minutes alone with him. But, those visits were hard because Rain wanted so badly to come home with us, and we felt horrible leaving him. At home the boys missed his barking ~ which we all hate normally! JCT spilled some yogurt on the floor one day, then looked up at me and said, "If Rain were here, he'd eat that for me." And, Elijah remarked one day that, "It just isn't the same without Rain."

But, finally, we got to go pick up our Boo Boo and bring him home!!!! Doesn't he look happy!!!

He is taking quite a few meds, and his pathology reports are still pending.

But, we are so glad to have him home with us...

And, I think he is glad to be home with us, too. We don't even mind all the barking. We're actually kind of thankful for it!

First Day Pictures.

2011-08-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

Saying the pledge....

Eriky was trying to figure out exactly how do I do this????

Sweet brothers...

Joshua ~ 3rd grade

James Christofer ~ 1st grade

Elijah ~ 4 year old preschool

Erik Daniel ~ (Almost) 3 year old playschool

Happy Days!!! :-)

Rest and Trust

2011-08-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

I sat quietly with pen and paper two days ago. I was alone with hot tea and a head full of dreams, and my pen ran furiously across my paper as I prayed my dreams to Jesus. I was supposed to be writing about my goals for school this year, but instead of writing about scholastic goals, I found my mind fixed on goals of another kind.

Last year everything was new and a bit intimidating. This year I am still a bit intimidated, but I am praying to trust and rest and breathe, to live each moment and not be swept away under the workload. I am praying that my focus will be first and foremost their hearts and souls and then their minds. A nourished, healthy, full soul will make the learning more of a joy. It is His world. All things are His. All subjects begin and end in Him ~ the detail and precision of math, the story of His world from creation to the present, and the exploration and curiosity of the scientific world. All things are His, and it is a privilege and a joy to walk this journey.

I am constantly aware of this...

But, I have five boys, and my home can be a tad busy. And, when I sit down to schedule, I find that I need four more hours than the day gives me!! And, so, practically, resting and trusting looks something like this...

Sit down, calm down, teach math to Joshua, leave him with work to practice on, deep breath, sip of hot tea, sit down beside JCT, teach JCT math, leave him with work to practice on, deep breath, long sip of hot tea, and on it goes....

So, my prayers/goals for this year are simply summed up in this...

Rest.... Trust.... Slow.... Breathe Deeply.... Smile easily.... Laugh loudly.... Grow.... Embrace the moment.... and Enjoy the journey....

Each day is truly a gift.

First Day of School ~ Just Kidding!!

2011-08-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

I've been telling the boys for weeks now that today would be our first day back to school, and they believed me! Joshua took an extra long time waking up this morning...

I made pancakes and eggs. It was a celebratory day! I kept asking the boys, "Are you guys ready to work hard???"

Well, after breakfast we began the morning with our back to school treasure hunt! The boys love a good treasure hunt!

My clues don't rhyme. Call me lazy!

And, here is the treasure....

Homemade notebooks, school supplies, favorite new books they've been wanting, some new preschool toys and games, and t-shirts to wear on the real first day of school (tomorrow)!!

Erik and I prayed and chose four character traits to focus on this year. We had t-shirts made with the character trait written across the front, and a verse about that character trait written on the back. We plan to do this every year. This year our character traits are...

Focus ~ 1 Peter 5:8
Self Discipline ~ 2 Timothy 1:7
Honesty ~ Proverbs 16:13
Love (loving God first and others better than themselves) ~ Mark 12:33

Here is Elijah with a book that I checked out of the library over a year ago, and he absolutely loved it. Off and on over the year, he has mentioned the book. I tried several time to buy it, but it is out of print. The cheapest I could find it for was nearly $50! Finally, I found it for a reasonable price and bought it!! He was excited, and instantly began flipping through the pages showing Eriky the yellow ball on each page!

After all the fun died down and the boys' minds began to turn toward school, I made a little announcement...

"Today, we are going on a field trip!!!"

I wouldn't tell them where we were going, but I did tell them to quickly change into their swimming suits!! We met some friends and caravanned to a local splash pad! I think the boys enjoyed their first day...

After the splash pad, we grabbed chickfila and headed home! I barely got baby Jack down when a little thunderstorm rolled in and stayed for several hours! Pure peace! I made coffee and met one on one with the boys going over what will be expected of them tomorrow. I showed them their new workbooks and books. They paged through them while I explained various things. I gave them their clipboards with this week's assignments written out for them and their new laminated chore charts. :-) Hopefully they will be ready to begin our new year tomorrow!!

Family Time

2011-08-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

We had a great time visiting with Erik's brother and his family this past week. Jason and Jen have 5 kids, too, and their ages line up fairly close to our childrens' ages. Needless to say, the kids had a blast. Jen was my best friend in nursing school, so we are always excited to get some time to talk, as well. And, Erik and Jason, well, they do what they do best... bring out the silly in each other and go to the movies! :-)

We decided to celebrate all the kids' birthdays all together, all at one time. We don't live close enough to go to each other's parties, so we decided to have one big birthday party. And, Deana B bought the kids balloons, and Erik decorated the cookie cakes for us!!

I made a picture video of our time together, but some of my favorite moments were not caught on film! Moments like when I looked over at JCT and Katey during the worship service on Sunday, and they were smiling and playing rock, paper, scissors. :-) Or, the late night planning/scheduling Jen and I did ~ my kitchen table filled with papers and calendars and curriculum. And, sweet conversations with my friend over hot drinks on even hotter days! Or, when I handed Abby her birthday present, and Jen said, "Get ready, she is going to scream when she sees what it is." But, I didn't really think she meant that Abby would really scream, and then Abby opened her present and let out a 15 second long shrill scream, and I was slightly taken aback. :-) After she finished I looked over at Jen and said, "I think she liked it?" And, one last favorite ~ watching my little namesake hug one of my old bridesmaid's dresses when I brought out a bin of them for the girls to play in. Sweet memories!

Know ~ Dukes Family from jason dukes on Vimeo.

Sharing Popsicles

2011-07-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

I had just handed out popsicles and come inside to warm up my afternoon cup of tea when I looked out the window and saw this...

I had to grab my camera.

Not because it was so great a picture or so special a moment, but simply because of the ordinariness of it. They were eating and sharing popsicles. Do they know? Do they understand the amazing blessings they are to me and to each other? Do they understand the blessing of their friendship? The lifelong friend who understands completely their heart, their inner make-up because he, too, was made of the same clay. The only ones who will understand their pain when the inevitable storms come.

Daily they make memories, and I find it my duty to record them here so that one day they will see and they will remember. Otherwise I fear we would all forget these days which seem to pass so quickly ~ like sand literally slipping through my fingers. I am watching them grow. And, occasionally, in the rush, rush, hurry, hurry of our everyday life, I catch a glimpse of a foot or a hand or a little boy chest beginning to resemble that of a man, and I am caught off guard. Too fast, Lord, too fast!!

I was talking with a friend the other day who just sent her baby off to begin medical school. And, she pointed out to me, as so many often do, that time will go by so fast I will not believe it. "Before you know it, they'll be grown." And, the long, physically hard days of having 5 young children will be but a memory.

So, come Erik, let's make the memory sweet to savor!!

I desire for my children to remember their home as a place full of love, joy and peace ~ a place of surprises, laughter, learning, and best friends, a place that nourished their souls, a garden of fertile soil for them to grow into the men God called them to be ~noble and true.

And, as I stared out the window watching them ~ laughing and talking, licking their own popsicles and then offering and trying their brothers' flavors, I was overwhelmed. I watched their eyes watching each other, listening, responding, laughing, smiling, agreeing, and sometimes disagreeing. They are building friendships that will long out last their mama. Friendships that will shape them and hold them throughout life's storms. Friendships ordained by God and deeply rooted in the rich soil of home.

It was an ordinary moment, little boys sharing popsicles, but I guess to me it was symbolic. In their lifetime they will share so much more than popsicles...

Hard at Play

2011-07-19T13:19:00.000-07:00

Playing with frogs and toads has become a hobby around here. They have become our pets, all of them. They have names, all of them.

I once heard it said that play is a little boy's work. And, if that is the case, then my boys are very hard workers!!

They never complain about being bored, and I am thankful for that! They are inside, outside, upstairs, downstairs, back porch, garage, front porch, front yard, backyard, swing set, slip and slide, trampoline, pool, sprinkler, and back again ~ like little blurs running past me all day. Sometimes my head literally spins. I just cannot keep up! They have wild imaginations that constantly amaze me!! Watching them takes me back. I remember being a child like it was yesterday. I remember imagining dream worlds, my own special places, and secret hideouts ~ under trees and behind furniture. My childhood home was often transformed into a ship or a plantation or a palace. My boys do the same. They are knights, kings, cowboys, animal adventurers, superheroes, soldiers, indians, pirates, you name it, they pretend it. Watching them play, imaginative play especially, makes me so happy. It is so simple and sweet, so pure and healthy, so good and just plain right. They are in the heart of their childhood ~ old enough to imagine but not too old to think themselves above acting it out! These are good days, really, really good days. And, I know one day they will sit around the kitchen table and reminisce about all their backyard adventures. There is nothing like watching them get all dressed up, sword in hand, walking out the back door to seek adventure.... together. (That is the best part!)

They are good old outside summer boys, and I love their dirty, sweaty little bodies to pieces!!!!!!

And, after they have played their little hearts out, they come in asking for a snack...

Fun days!

Dreamy chaos...

2011-07-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

Jump on in....

Life is good!!!

I am laughing today, still laughing, about something that happened yesterday. I received a text from one of the sweetest girls in Georgia!! The text said this....

"Your blog sounds dreamy. I want to be Erin. My life is completely crazy."

:-)

I just handed the phone to Erik and said, "Hey, read this!!" He read it and then he laughed out loud. I told him that I guess it was about time for me to post an everyday, real life sort of post. You see back in the old days when I had only three boys or so, and they were just getting old enough to show me their true colors, I was taken aback by their boy behavior. And, because their behavior struck me as so outlandish, I wrote about it a lot on my blog.

Rest assured, these things still happen. My life is beautiful, wonderful, wild chaos and nothing less. I just don't think to write about most of the crazy things that happen because, well, they just don't seem so crazy anymore. They have actually become so normal that I don't even think twice about them.

Take for instance yesterday... I set the boys free to play in the rain...

Looks fun, huh?

I went inside to put up my camera, and when I walked back out, guess what I saw...

Eriky had stripped himself of all, every single stitch, of his clothing and was dancing around like a madman in the rain.

It is just another day around here...

We've grown accustomed to these sorts of things.

Like the fact that Eriky tinkles wherever and whenever he wants to ~ for example: at the Fourth of July parade or at Joshua's baseball games. He doesn't go hide himself. No, he just pulls his pants down right there two inches from the next person and goes... Or, worse yet, we went through a phase where we kept catching him pooing in the yard. The first time he did it I was on the phone with my mom, and I realized that he was squatting in the grass for a reason. I said, "Oh, Mama!! He is pooing!!!! in the grass!!!! LIKE A DOG!!!!" And, he looked up at me from his little squatted position and said...

"WOOF!!! WOOF!!!"

Yes, that is my son. My adorable brown eyed baby.

Okay, then, this morning after I caught Eriky drawing on my tomatoes with a marker...

I sat down to nurse my baby in the peace and quiet of my bedroom. The boys had gone outside to seek adventure of some kind. But, my peace was quickly disturbed by Elijah running in the backdoor yelling, "MOM!!! Come here!!!!! I GOTTA show you SOME~TIN!!!! NOW!!! MOM COME HERE!!!" So, I came to him holding my sweet babe in my arms.

He tilted his sweet little Lijah head to the side and smiled his little mischievous sideways grin. "You wanna guess what I have in my hand???"

Not really...

"LOOK, MAMA, I CAUGHT A FROG!!!!" He opened his hand to show me and when he did a large ugly brown toad jumped out of his hand and onto the floor and then under the kitchen table.

I SCREAMED!!!!!! And, that made Jack SCREAM!!!! So, I am trying to calm Jack down and yelling at Elijah to hurry up and catch him because I don't want him free in my house!!!!! Then, JCT, I'm not sure whose child he is (maybe he got this from Deana B), grabs a spray bottle of surface cleaner and a paper towel and starts following the toad around the kitchen ~ not trying to catch him, no, just cleaning behind him. Wherever he jumped, JCT sprayed and cleaned. He moved right behind him ~ beat all I've ever seen ~ that child cleaning up after a toad!!! Anyway, Lije never could catch the toad, so I had to call Joshua in from outside to help. Joshua and Elijah cornered it, and Joshua caught him. I took a picture...

Then, I said, "Give it to Lije, so I can take a picture of him with it." Big mistake. I took this picture...

And, then the toad jumped out of his hand, and the whole thing began once again until toadman was caught and set free outside once and for all!!!

Boys!!! They keep my life very....

not dreamy.

I promise, sweet Meredith, my life is completely crazy, too!!!!! I just don't always think to write about the crazy!!! Here are some recent pics to prove how absolutely wonderfully chaotic my life is!

Beautiful chaos. But, you know what? I wouldn't change a thing.

Not one thing...

Because if you look closely...

No matter what the situation...
No matter how busy or crazy...

If you will take time to stop...
and look closely...
Even in the chaos...

You can see Jesus.

Hey, Mr. 3 Months!!

2011-07-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Sweet boy!

Sweet little man, what a month we have had! You are now babbling and talking so loudly and so often! And, you are laughing ~ makes mama's heart smile! This morning I was in the laundry room folding clothes, and I could hear you in the other room swinging and laughing at your silly big brothers! They are constant entertainment for you!

You prefer to be held, but you are enjoying your swing more and more each day!! I am thankful for that ~ not because I don't want to hold you, but because it helps when I need to make lunch or help one of your big brothers! They are still absolutely silly over you!

We love you so very much, and we are so glad that our sweet God saw fit to place you here with us in our big happy family of little boys!! Keep growing!

Love, Mama

Happy July 4th 2011!!

2011-07-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

At the 4th of July parade...

We are so thankful for our wonderful country! It may not be perfect, but we couldn't ask for a better place to live on this planet! We celebrated the 4th with our favorite family friends...

Swimming and playing...

Nowadays, this is what I get when I ask Eriky to "smile.."

We grilled out ~ hamburgers and hot dogs. And, after dinner Uncle Sean pulled out the sparklers!!!

This was a first for my guys!!

Sweet memories...

Very fun!

And, we ended the evening with cupcakes decorated by Lije and JCT...

A Love for Learning...

2011-07-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

For years I have heard adults of my parents generation complain that "kids today" haven't been taught how to learn. I've heard the complaint time and time again, but I've never really thought much about it.

Then, I began homeschooling, and now I hear it all. the. time. When we joined our co-op, we were asked to read the Lost Tools of Learning. But, oops, I never did that! The leaders of our co-op are passionate about "teaching children to think for themselves." How many times have I heard parents talking or read blogs discussing the fact that society today is creating a generation of young adults who do not stand up and challenge, but on the contrary, they are lazy, indifferent, and only concerned about doing enough to get by. Where is the passion? the creativity? the things that made America what it is, or what it was, anyway?

When Erik was headmaster for the first time this year (the Dads take turns each Friday ~ equals out to twice a year) he was impressed. He sat in on a few of the high school and jr. high classes and entered into their discussions. That evening he told me, "Erin these kids are impressive ~ even the least intelligent ones were impressive. They sat in a group and discussed literature with intellect and deep thought." They are in the process of learning through the classical model how to process and express their thoughts.

But, even after Erik and I talked that night, I still just didn't get it. I remember running into MJ ~ one of my favorite Excelsior moms at Atlanta Bread one morning. I have always enjoyed her and watched her from a distance. Her classes are rarely taught indoors. She teaches high school literature, and she prefers to bring her students outside under a tree. They sit in a circle and delve deeply into conversations. I know this because many times as I have been prepping for lunch I have had to walk by her class sitting there under the shade of a large oak tree. I don't think any of her students ever noticed me. They never turned their heads to look at me, not one of them. They were always deeply engrossed in whatever they were discussing. MJ doesn't lecture. In fact, sometimes the kids teach the class. She just facilitates discussion and allows the teenagers to learn from one another.

I digress....

So, one day at Atlanta Bread, I asked her point blank. "MJ, I hear everyone talking about wanting their children to think for themselves, but I don't understand what that means? I just don't get it." Oh, was she passionate! She talked on and on about her boys love for learning. How one began reading history books as a young child, eating it up! She talked about society and rules, rigidity and creativity stifled.... But, still it fell on deaf ears. I just didn't get it.

Until this morning! I was engrossed in a deep discussion with one of the two wisest men I know, Erik's Dad (The other wisest man is my Dad, of course. Erik and I were both blessed with fathers who have great depth and wisdom.) Pop was discussing how sad it is that education has become something where in elementary school, jr, high, high school, college, and at the master's level, in general, young men and woman are just lectured to, taught information and then asked to regurgitate it. But, then suddenly when they begin doctoral work, they are asked to think for themselves, and they struggle with how to do that because they have never been taught. We talked long about this. I chimed in when my limited understanding allowed me the opportunity to do so. I have long heard people compliment Pop on what an amazing teacher he is, but today I understood why. He doesn't stand and lecture like he knows it all and needs to impart his knowledge to his students. Instead, he teaches his students how to look at a text and figure it out for themselves. They are not taught what to think, but rather they are taught how to think. And, being taught how to think, how to form your own thoughts, is the missing link today! And, ever so slowly, I began to get it. I began to understand!!

Then, Erik chimed in... "In medical school you study and study and learn vast amounts of knowledge from books and lectures. Then, one day, I'll never forget the day, they took me in a room with a real person and said take care of her. And, I had to figure out, on my own, using what I had learned, what was wrong with her. But, not only that, I had to present what I thought and stand on it. Right or wrong, I had to stand on what I believed to be wrong with her." This is when the point was truly driven home for me.

Suddenly, I got it!! I understood what it means to think for yourself. I began to understand what the lost tools of learning are! I was taken back in my mind to one of my first nursing school tests. I learned quickly after beginning nursing school that I did not like it. All my life there had been one right answer. I could study and recall the information and make an A. Easy peasy, study and regurgitate. I had it down, but nursing school challenged that. We took multiple choice tests, but all four answers were often correct. They expected us to use "critical thinking skills" and figure out which answer was "best", not which answer was correct, but which answer was "best." I hated it. I made the first B of my college education right then and there. I learned that sometimes the A students did not necessarily make the best nurses ~ I fell into this category! Oftentimes, it was the struggling students who thought best on their feet, and in all actuality, were the more successful nurses.

When I got out of school, I saw this again. I was an RN, BSN, and I had to sign my name behind the care given by the LPNs (Licensed Practical Nurses). RN's with BSNs spend most of nursing school in the classroom with clinical rotations here and there. But, LPN school is different it is "practical." They spend the majority of the time on the floor working, real life. The LPNs often taught me, the nurse with the higher education, how to best take care of patients. I learned quickly that being a nurse had little to do with what I learned in school and more to do with being able to assess a situation and make a decision.

The world is not black and white. And, as I learned in the hospital, there is not one right way to take care of a patient. There are a plethora of right ways, as well as, a plethora of wrong ways. But, someone who has learned to think for himself is able to look at the situation, come up with a plan, and execute without hesitating. It take skill, confidence, and some amount of intellect.

And, since the world is not black and white, why do we teach our children this way? our young people? We give tests with one right answer. I read an article recently that wondered how many Hemingways our society has put to death because English teachers spend more time correcting grammar and less time appreciating the creativity and thought behind the essays of their students. Why not inspire them? But, instead we red pen them to the point that they feel trapped between two blue lines on a page of notebook paper unable to draw out what is deep inside of them.

MJ, the literature teacher I mentioned earlier, is an editor by trade. And, she told me once, "Erin don't worry so much about grammar (I hound her with grammar questions!). When you get out of school, real writers do not always use perfect grammar. A good foundation is needed, yes, but writers use freedom to express themselves. They are not confined to strict grammar rules." She warned me that too many times we focus too early on grammar, and in doing that, we stifle the inborn creativity of the child. She encouraged me to make sure Joshua had a place to write, daily, where I did not correct him. A place where he could focus on expressing himself freely ~ instead of focusing on getting the spelling and grammar correct. If we teach them to write only in the confines of rule following, spell checking, then how will they learn to let their hearts overflow with words. I've always heard that there is a window of creativity when children are young. This is the time when we need to foster and grow their curiosity and creativity!! MJ encouraged me that Joshua will get the grammar, but at this point, I should be focusing on the creative side of writing. We want our boys to love to write and express themselves and not think of it as a burdensome chore.

Our Co-op uses an intense high school history curriculum that ends the year each year (9th-12th grade) with a 30 page essay test. It is the big topic of conversation in April and May as students begin preparations for the big day. I asked a student during lunch one day, "Is it really that bad?" She answered, "Oh, yes! We not only have to know about what the question is about. We have to pull from everywhere to answer it. We have to use knowledge about other countries, other times in history, to back up our answer. It is so hard!"

Why is it hard? Because they have to think!!! Imagine that! They can't just regurgitate information. They have to process information, form opinions, state those opinions, and stand. on. them. Bottom line. This kind of thinking creates well rounded young people who, because they have learned how to think, are confident and believe in themselves and their ability to make a difference in their world.

We live in a culture where society defines excellence by being able to fill in the most circles correctly rather than by being articulate, intelligent, confident, passionate, and full of wisdom. We spend more time focusing on dotting i's and crossing t's and less time writing from our toes, with all that is in us, with God-given unbridled passion. What good is intelligence without passion and creativity?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the states gave money not based on test scores but rather based on schools that produced adults with a hunger and thirst for knowledge ~ young adults with insatiable appetites for learning! If teachers received bonuses for inspiring their students, drawing them out of their comfort zones, and challenging them to be catalysts in a society of indifference!! Now that would be something!

And, so this morning, in one fell swoop the classical model of education became brilliant with clarity anew! I've always loved the classical model, but I have a renewed appreciation for it. The classical model is as follows... I'll throw in an example to help make it make sense.

#1 Grammar stage (approximately Kindergarten through 4th grade) ~ This is the stage my boys are in right now. The main thing taught in the grammar stage is memorization. Children memorize poetry, dates, historical facts, historical speeches, science facts, scripture, etc. We are filling their little minds with lots and lots of facts. I once heard it explained this way.... We are giving them file foldersin the grammar stage, and in the later stages, we will fill those folders up with more details. Example: This year my boys studied World War II. They learned a lot of basic facts about the war. One of these facts was that the war ended when America dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

#2 The Logic stage (approximately 5th-8th grade) ~ This is the stage where they begin to look more deeply into things, to reason, and to decide what they believe. Example: Why did America use atomic bombs? Do you think Truman made the right decision? It is now time to evaluate, to look at the problem from all angles and form your own conclusions. Logic is a class taken in classical schools and co-ops. A class that presents information and asks kids to reason it all out for themselves, to learn to come to their own conclusions.

#3 The Rhetoric stage (approximately 9th-12th) ~ At this point young people are preparing for college and their launch into the real world. They have learned the facts. They know them well. After all, they were exposed to them at a young age, and then spent several years digesting them, thinking about them, and forming their own opinions about them. Now in this stage they learn to express themselves through writing and speech. This is the debate stage. Stand up, speak your mind, and attempt to convince your audience. This is the stage where they already know how they feel about certain issues. They are well learned and well read at this point. So, they take that knowledge base, along with the confidence they have gained by learning how to draw their own conclusions, and here they learn to stand up for themselves and their beliefs. This is the stage where they really grow up. They not only have strong convictions, but they are learning how to confidently articulate these personal convictions. Example: The student might give a speech standing up for how he feels about the use of nuclear weapons. And, because of all the years he has studied history (Most classical schools and homeschool families study history in either a 3 or 4 year cycle ensuring the students go through history from creation to modern times at least 3 times before graduating from high school.), he has the knowledge base to back up his beliefs. He is not blindly choosing a side and then attempting to do research to back up his new found convictions. That is the way I used to do it!! :-) But, I don't recommend it, and I pray my boys rise above the ways of their mama!

It is common sense, really. There isn't anything magical about the classical model. It is what we all seek to do as we parent and mentor the little ones God has entrusted to our care. It is the natural order of learning for parents and for teachers who are intentional about their teaching and training of those under them.

But, being intentional is a challenge. It is easier in all venues to simply not think. I mean we do it with our spiritual lives ~ tell me what hoops to jump through ~ the checklist mentality that Erik challenges his college students with so often ~ prayer, check! quiet time, check! helped an old lady across the street - service, check! But, spiritual growth is not about checklists and legalism. It is about relationship, and that is immeasurable! Why do we as finite humans always want to make everything measurable?? I do this so often with parenting. I just want a book that says, "Do this, this, and this, and it will all work out!" But, parenting isn't like that! It is breath by breath, moment by moment. There are not black and white, one right way methods. It sounds good in a book, but when the rubber meets the road it is a different story! You have to use your head and your God-given creativity every moment of every day.

So, I write all this, mainly, to get it off my chest! But, it isn't about the classical model or school, really. It is about raising our children to not become blind followers. It is about raising kids to think and not to become indifferent. We are raising the next generation, and this country was not founded by indifferent men with indifferent agendas who just wanted to get elected or worse who just wanted to get by day in and day out. Our nation was formed by men filled with passion and conviction! Men with creativity unstifled. Men who believed in the impossible, and then watched as, with the help of God, they accomplished it!

So, I challenge you, find your child's bent. What are they passionate about? God has great plans for each child that will ultimately result in His glory. It is up to us, as parents, to help our children grow in these areas. In order to do this we have to give them the freedom to be creative and to be curious about the world around them. Embrace the curiosity! They have a world to explore and learn, and that is so exciting! Like Pop said this morning, there is so much that they can learn through play, through being outside, and through trial and error! Let them go and let them explore!

As we are rapidly approaching a new school year, today, I was inspired to grow and learn with my sons this year!!! We will be studying ancient times (Creation through the Roman Empire), and I cannot wait to learn all sorts of new things right beside them! Even I get a little wigged out about standardized tests. The boys will take these yearly through a private school that allows homeschoolers in for testing. Last year, I worried too much about the testing. I worried too much about keeping them at grade level. This year I really feel that God is calling me to let go and trust Him with their education. I feel like He is calling me to slow down and dig deep. And, I'm not just talking about digging deep into literature, I'm talking about digging deep in the mud!! :-) This year we are going to do our math and grammar, but we are also going to spend more time reading and more time exploring our world with hands on learning!

I'll end with a quote from my sweet sister in love, who always encourages me to worry less about their math skills and more about their hearts :-)!! She said, "Erin, if we can teach them to love to learn, if we can teach them to love to learn so much that they never want to stop, then we have done our job."

In the early hours...

2011-06-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I couldn't sleep. I woke up around 3, and by 4 I was tired of just laying there, so I headed to the kitchen. I made a pot of coffee and spent precious time alone ~ only I wasn't alone...

It was pure peace to my soul ~ the quiet, the coffee, and Jesus, sweet time with Jesus. As I sat there in my dimly lit kitchen in the wee hours of the morning, I poured my heart out to God. And, after a little while, I scribbled this down in my journal...

This morning...

I will choose freedom and joy.

I will move more slowly and think more deeply.

I will not compare.

I will be content.

I will not hurry my loves.

I will be patient.

I will focus on each precious child ~ encouraging him, praising him ~ seeing the good, the natural gifting of God in him. And, I will seek to grow these things for God's glory.

I will be mindful and thankful. I am so blessed.

I will attempt to make learning fun and practical.

I will not look to the left or the right ~ but only look into the eyes of my Savior.

Rainy Day Rambling

2011-06-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today has been a nice reprieve from the heat and busyness of summer. I forgot that rain was forcasted, and so my heart skipped a beat when I woke up to a dreary cloudy morning! I poured my coffee and eased myself into the peace of the day. The boys and I are falling into a nice summer routine that allows for both play and work. I had forgotten how tired summer days make me! I assume it is a combination of the heat and the hard play that completely exhausts me by day's end. So, I loved today's indoor card playing weather...

Perhaps, my favorite part of this summer, has been making preparations for our next school year. I am a total nerd!! All the books, curriculums, literature, history, oh, they make my head spin with happiness!!! I am so excited about all that lies ahead! Some nights I have found it hard to sleep! Their education has become a huge passion of mine, and I have to continually tell my little manic self to... "Calm down, calm down, one day at a time! Don't get ahead of yourself!" But, it isn't just the books and pencils that consume my thoughts these days, it is the planning of how it will all come together ~ the chores, the laundry, the meal planning, the dishes, the loving, cuddling, holding, and nursing of the younger ones. I am using the summer as a trial period. I am trying different ways of doing things. I need to figure out how to do it all minus school, and then I can add the school element back in slowly when August comes. I am also preparing the two older boys to take on new and bigger responsibilities. They are making me so proud.

And, these two, well, they just make me proud because, well, they just do!

I have been very convicted lately as I have been so overwhelmingly passionate about the educational aspect of homeschool that I have veered off the path I originally began this journey on. We began this journey with the firm conviction that with 4 children (at that time) we didn't feel we could give each child all that we wanted to, pour into them the way we feel called to do, in the few hours of the day that we were getting with them. When you have so many, so small, and only a few hours, it is just hard. So, we began our journey ready to bathe our boys in Jesus. But, sometimes, I fear that my excitement over the academic overshadows my first true passion.

It is my prayer for our home to be a place where they can grow, and thrive, and fall down, and get up, and serve, and be loved and cherished. A place where they can worship, and walk daily, hand in hand, with their sinful father, mother and brothers, learning to grow in grace and trusting in Christ. I pray that they will learn from His example to be servant leaders, to be all that He created them to be with their own unique talents and gifts. And, that they will learn to walk and talk like Him and to see others as He does. I pray for our home to be a place of warmth where we can learn and grow together in the love, discipline, and grace of Jesus.

It is hard to believe summer is halfway over! Where has time gone?? The good news is that the garden is alive and growing tomatoes!! Yay, for tomatoes! Fried green tomatoes, tomato sandwiches, tomatoes on this and that and everything!

We keep getting more and more and more, and I love them sooo much!

Inside the Van...

2011-06-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

We have 5 children, and we have a minivan, an Odyssey to be exact. And, sometimes I wonder if anyone ever sees us driving down the road and wonders what exactly goes on within the steel frame of our vehicle. If they haven't wondered, they really ought to! I can assure them that it is never quiet, nor is it ever boring.

Our church friends might wonder if we are quoting scripture from memory or singing hymns and/or praise songs.

Our sweet friends might imagine that we are in some deep and meaningful heartfelt discussion.

Our homeschool friends might assume we are discussing America's involvement in ending the Cold War.

Our sports friends might think we are discussing the NBA draft or the upcoming SEC football season.

But, the truth is, they would all be wrong. This, my friends, this is what goes on behind the steel frame of our family van...

Five Little Monkeys... How perfectly appropriate!!!!

Summer So Far...

2011-06-21T15:07:00.000-07:00

Summer...

I've always loved the sparkle of evening fireflies and the song of the whippoorwill. But, now I have come to adore what this season does to my little boys ~ their sweaty faces hot and red from hard play, the blond streaks in their hair and the freshly scattered freckles on their sun-kissed skin.

Images of our summer so far...

Birds nesting on the front porch...

An afternoon thunderstorm...

Slip and Slide...

Always hoops...

Baseball buddies inside and...

outside the dugout...

Camping out in the family room...

Best friends...

New outdoor decor...

Lilies...

And, more lilies...

And, nothing beats sitting by the pool listening to little boys laugh, splash, and play....

What Works For Us...

2011-06-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

We've been homeschooling for a year now, and I am by no means an expert. I am always trying to learn from more experienced moms. But, I thought that today I'd share some of the novice ideas I came up with over the course of our first year. Every day is different, and I know every year will be different, too. Some of these things may not work for us next year, but this year they helped! They are the things that made the days run more smoothly and allowed us to have some fun, too!

All of these things really worked for us...

1.) Breakfast with Dad ~ Erik eats breakfast with the three older boys before heading off to work. He even has a theme song he sings while he makes eggs, toast, bagels, cereal, or whatever he decides to make each morning. He sits with them, reads to them, prays, and then leaves for work. I love that the boys start their day with Dad. (They get enough of me all day long! :-) And, it frees me up to start laundry, look at my calendar, set up the school room, and get ready to start the day!! :-)

2.) Prayer List & Scripture Memory ~ After Daddy leaves the boys and I sit together and go over our prayer list. . .

Each of the boys chooses two or three people from the list and prays for them, then I close. I love the prayer list because it reminds me to pray for those around us who have needs. It is great accountability!! After we pray I review the boys on our scripture memory. This year the boys memorized Ephesians 6:10-18. I thought these were great verses for little boys to memorize!

3.) Journals ~ I decided to do the journals for several reasons. The main reason being that I have had a journal since I was old enough to write down thoughts, and I love journals!!!!

For Elijah the journal is simply a place to practice writing letters and to draw.

For JCT the journal is a place to learn to write dates correctly, to learn our address, phone number, and cell phone numbers, to practice writing sentences correctly, and to draw.

I began the year writing sentences for him to copy. This was fun!! Many times I surprised them with fun information in their journals. For example, he might open his journal and find these sentences to copy: "Nana is coming today! She will be here after lunch. Today is her birthday. We will sing to her!"

By the end of the year, I began to give him the freedom to write as he pleased.

I loved watching him grow as a writer this year. One of the moms at our homeschool co-op has written several books, and now she edits books for a living. She is my go-to girl for writing advice for the boys. She suggested the boys have a place to write freely ~ where I did not get out the red pen. Their journal is this place.

For Joshua the journal is a place to write and draw freely. I don't give him a topic. I just let him write freely, and nothing is more fun to me than reading what he writes.

I loved beginning our school day this way every morning! It sort of eased the boys into their work. They enjoyed the writing and the drawing, and it left me with a book of treasures to keep forever!! :-)

4.) Mommy's helper ~ Monday is Joshua's day. Tuesday is JCT's day. Wednesday is Elijah's day, and Thursday is Erik Daniel's day. They get to wear this around their neck....

My helper helps me make lunch, pass out paper, sort laundry, etc. The boys all love to be the helper of the day!

5.) Happy Tokens ~

I came up with this because I wanted a reward system that didn't involve money or candy! I cut out circles and let the boys draw happy faces on each circle. This took a while! We have tons of happy tokens ~ more than we could ever use. Sharing with a brother or any selfless act is rewarded with a happy token in your cup! But, happy tokens can be taken away for selfish acts or unkind behavior. When you have lots of boys, any competition becomes central. At the end of the week, we would count and see who won! I haven't kept it up this summer, and I kind of miss it!

6.) My lesson plan ~ I found this last summer at Donna Young's website. I used the same plan all year, and I loved it! I plan each week a week in advance over a cup of coffee. It is one of my absolute favorite things to do!! I love sitting down and making our plans. I had one sheet for Joshua and one for JCT. This is one of Joshua's plans...

I love checking the box when we have completed our work!! Ahhh... the feeling of accomplishment. Also, if we didn't get to something on Tuesday, it reminds me to pick it up and finish it on Wednesday! I love checklists!!

7.) Check-lists for my boys ~ I love the feeling of checking things off so much that I made checklists for the boys. I laminated them, and they used dry erase markers to check off the subjects throughout the day each day! They really, really, really enjoyed this! If we weren't going to do, for example, art/music and geography, that day, I'd cross it off first thing in the morning. This way, at the end of the day, their entire list is crossed off!! Accomplishment!!

Joshua crossed off the title with 2nd grade in it on the last day of school!! Ha! :-) He thought that it was soooo clever!! :-)

8.) Thinking cap ~ When this idea came to me, I had no idea if they even made one. So, I did a google search, and there are tons of "thinking caps"out there!! This was my favorite!

I used it for the first time last fall when I introduced Joshua to multiplication! I only pull it out, and pop it on their cute little head when I feel that the lesson is monumental or if they are struggling to grasp a new concept and on the verge of giving up! It is simply for fun, and I think they enjoy it!!

9.) Using the big to teach the little ~ I love this! It makes mama's heart smile when big brother sits patiently and listens to little brother read or does flash cards of phonograms with little brother. It teaches Joshua to be patient and to teach, and it is also great review for him! It also helps me so much! Many times I leave Joshua to read or do flash cards with JCT while I put Eriky to bed. It is a win-win plan! JCT, also, helps go over letters and sounds with Elijah! It trickles down... God is so sweet!

10.) Special days ~

Any ordinary day can be a holiday! Sometimes the special days have to do with what the boys are learning or what is going on around us ~ wild west day when they studied western expansion or jersey day during March Madness. Other times it is whatever strikes us ~ pj day, superhero day, dress up day, crazy hair day, etc. Joshua loves this, and he has a plethera of ideas. I think he could fill the calendar with a different special day for every day!! Ha! I love having children who are all still young enough for this to be fun!! It just spices things up and makes things a little more interesting!

Also, it is fun to bake them treats to celebrate things like...

And, this day they decorated cupcakes to look like themselves! Ha! Can you guess who this is??

Erik Daniel, of course! He is my only brown eyed baby!! Celebrating simple things can be so much fun!!

11.) Getting Outdoors ~ We have boys, so this is very important to me. I want my boys to have memories upon memories of outdoor play. I want them to remember romping through the woods ~ sometimes they pretend to be nature explorers looking for wild animals and sometimes they play that they are soldiers hiding in the wilderness and fighting the enemy. I want them to remember hours of bike riding, swimming, and playing sports. So, we take a nice long recess midday and finish everything in time for them to play for an hour or two before evening activities begin. I, also, like to take school outside on pretty days (without wind :-)). Doing school work in the sunshine just makes everybody feel happier. Plus, this helps occupy the little ones. They ride on their riding toys, play in the sandbox, or write with sidewalk chalk while the big boys work and that is nice for everyone!

12.) Fun Lunches ~ About once a month, I enjoyed surprising the boys with lunch from a restaurant! We'd either bring food in, have a pizza delivered, or drive thru some place quick. I usually chose to do this on the spur of the moment when we were having a hard day. Some days are just yucky!! :-( Sometimes the work seems too much or too hard or maybe the little boys are being too loud and distracting and frustrating the big boys... Whatever the problem, sometimes getting out of the house, driving with windows rolled down, music playing loud, singing at the top of our lungs, and getting Mexican food midday just seems to help everyone ~ especially Mom!!!! :-) Other days, we try to make lunch fun by taking it outside. During the spring and fall we eat outside almost every day. Sometimes we picnic in the grass. Sometimes we sit at the table on the back porch or our picnic table. We've eaten lunch in the house part of our swing set, and we've eaten in our tee pee. As long as we are outside, that is all that matters!

10.) Afternoon Snack Time ~

The boys and I fell into a routine of quizzing over afternoon snacks. The little boys napped during this time. And, I would make my big boys a special treat ~ cookies, popcorn, etc. I'd pull out my little box of cards and quiz them while they ate. Somedays I would ask questions and let the boys compete to answer them, and somedays I just bounced from Joshua to JCT ~ asking them questions individually. The boys seemed to enjoy this time of day, and I really did, too. It was usually a very relaxed, enjoyable review time! I used this time to make their learning cumulative. I didn't want them to forget the first semester definitions, etc. during second semester, so we would keep reviewing them.

Okay, so those are a few of the things we did this year to make the days a little more fun! If anyone out there has any wonderful ideas to share, I would love, love, love to hear them!!! Leave a comment or email me! I'd love to know what you do to make your days work best!!

Two Month Old, Jack!

2011-06-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

Jack, you are growing little man! You are losing your newborn look!! Now you have a cute little double chin and a round face. Your cheeks are soft and sweet to kiss. The boys are getting used to you being here. They still want to touch and kiss you every waking moment! But, Erik Daniel does not come up to you, grab your sweet little hand in his, and say, "Glad to meet ya!! Glad to meet ya!!"anymore. He used to do this at least 15 times a day. I guess he has finally met you enough times! :-)

And, Lije, well, buddy, Lije is completely taken with you! You are "his" baby. When people say, "I can't decide who he looks like??" Lije helps them out and says, "He looks like me!" Lije comes up to you periodically throughout the day, grabs your little head in his hands, puts his mouth to your ear, and whispers, "You're the best baby ever, Jack.... the best baby ever!"

You are so strong and pick your head up so high!! The boys think you are doing push ups!! You are taking it all in looking around with wide eyes! You make sweet sounds, and we love to hear them! We love you little man!

Joshua has been counting your smiles since your birth. I think the number is somewhere in the 400's now?? I can't keep up!

You love, love, love to be held when you are awake. You go to sleep easily when I lay you down and give you your paci. You have been sleeping all night off and on ~ though I feel sure this will not last!! That would be too good to be true! When you do wake up at night, you wake up one time, I feed you, and you go back to sleep. Life is so much easier now than it was a month ago!! I'm so thankful!!!

You are a joy, little one!! I can't wait to know you better and better with each passing day!! I love you!

Our Miss Megan...

2011-06-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

We met her when she was just a little girl, and we watched her grow up right before our eyes. She always smiled and bounced, a happy little doll, cute as a button. And, we watched her slowly blossom from cute and fun to beautiful and polished. My husband, early on, thought so much of her, admired her happy heart. Erik is a great discerner of people, and he recognized in her a genuiness and inner beauty that is rare. She has always been a favorite of his.

And, when Joshua (my now 8 year old) was only a few months old, the movie Passion of the Christ came out, and I was desperate to see it. But, I had virtually never left Joshua with anyone before this time. When I asked our friend, Mrs. Wendy, to watch him and she couldn't, I panicked! Who else could I leave him with???

Wendy suggested Megan.

Megan?

But, she was a mere child!!!

And, I was a slightly overprotective first time mom!

Wendy insisted that Meg could do it and I should give her a try.

I called Erik, and he, of course, thought it was a great idea. So, I called Megan's sweet mama and asked her opinion. And, a few hours later Miss Megan bounced up to my backdoor, all smiles, a girl of 13. And, as I left I thought myself half crazy for leaving my nursed baby with a 13 year old! Had I lost my mind??

When Erik and I returned home, Meg had Joshua asleep and all his little things neatly stacked just so. And, we smiled to ourselves, we had found our girl, and then we drove her home...

For the next few years off and on....

we picked her up, and we drove her home.

Then, she learned to drive, my little friend growing up...

Who knew that years later, she'd go off to college and when she came home she'd drop by, pick up a carful of my boys, and take them to get snow cones!

Rich. There is a richness that comes with the depth of a relationship that has grown over the years as ours has. As the years have gone by, we've all grown ~ Miss Megan, the boys, but most of all our friendship. She has become like family to us. Last year she kept my little guys every Tuesday morning. And, I grew to look forward to seeing her smiling face each Tuesday almost as much as my boys did!

We've been through a good bit together ~ friends hurting feelings, homecomings, boys, etc. But, what I remember most is how she was there for me when Erik's parents were hospitalized after the accident, ready and willing to give me a break if needed. And, she cried with me when Erik's mother passed. I'll never forget the way she felt our pain.

She is truly beautiful, inside and out.

She has earned our affection, our trust, and our love.

It is sort of amusing to me...

She always tells me or writes to me about how she has learned so much from Erik and I over the years. But, I have learned so much from her!!! Her positive attitude and genuine love has encouraged my heart and given me hope time and time again. She is simply good to the core, and we love her so much!

I'll never forget the night she called us with that special lift in her voice...

Philip had asked...

And, she had accepted.

And, in one fell swoop two of my sons lost the love of their lives!!! :-)

But, seriously, we are so happy for her!!

When she called yesterday to let us know that Philip had been drafted by the Minnesota Twins, Joshua immediately wanted to get online and order all sorts of Twins hats, t-shirts, etc. He's a fan, not so much of the Twins, but of Miss Megan and Mr. Philip.

And, now, Erik and I look forward to watching Meg marry this Saturday night. Erik doesn't go to many weddings, but this is one he wouldn't miss!

To our Miss Megan...

When we moved here ten years ago, we watched you skip down the aisle on the arm of your little brother to sit with your parents, and then a few years later we watched you giggle down the aisle on the arm of Anna Kate Goodwin to sit with your friends, and now on Saturday we will watch you walk down the aisle on the arm of your sweet Daddy to take your true love's hand.

Watching you grow and blossom through the years has been a joy and a privilege.

We love you, sweet girl.

And, we will always be here for you....

7 of your biggest fans!!

Now, sweet girl, you will not be our Miss Megan anymore...

Now you will be our Mrs. Megan!!!!

Best Wishes!!

May God bless you BIG!!!

Between the trees...

2011-06-07T06:44:00.000-07:00

When I sit at the kitchen table and sip coffee, I look out at a backyard full of trees. But, the trees closest to the house are two crabapple trees. They are a bit too bushy, and I'm not crazy about the way they look. But, they are very much loved by my little boys. Therefore, they are close to my heart.

Often I tell the boys that they can go outside and play out back "between the trees." This way, I can sit at the kitchen table, hold the baby, and watch them play. They chase each other around the trees. They have climbed one of these trees to the point that the back branches of this particular tree lay almost flat. They play football with each tree being an end zone. They play soccer with each tree being a goal. They even play baseball there "between the trees." But, my favorite thing they play, they can only play this time of year ~ crabapple wars! They split up in groups, pick apples, and throw them at one another!!! It is wild fun to them!

I just sit at the window and take it all in...

the laughter... the strategy... my sweet boys hard at play...

One day I will sit at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a quiet house. And, I will look out at those bushy trees and remember all the play that happened around them and in them. Oh, how many one year olds have I chased around those trees?? How many circle 8's have we run around them?? How many handmade bird feeders have the boys hung on those trees?? We've strung up the branches with cranberries and hung peanut butter and bird seed covered pine cones on them. We've had picnic lunches in their shade and afternoon snacks under their low hanging branches. They have been such a part of the boys' playtime. And, it has brought me so much joy to watch the boys play and interact there between the trees ~ their little imaginations running wild!!

So many memories made between the trees...

If Only....

2011-06-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Lately I've heard myself saying the same thing over and over again in my heart. I say it differently each time, but the meaning, the core, of my statement is the same. It goes something like this...

When I walk into the laundry room and see masses of clean and dirty clothes, I might say, "If only I could get caught up on my laundry..."

Or, at the end of a long hot day when I'm worn and frazzled and five pairs of eyes all look to me to provide nourishment, "If only I had planned meals for the week..."

When Jack wants to be held every waking moment, "If Jack would just lay in his moses basket for more than 5 minutes..."

When one of my sons argues with me over an instruction that I have given him, "If only he would just do. what. I. say..."

When brothers have a day filled with bickering, disagreements, and hurt feelings, "If they could just get along!!!!"

When I see my baseboards looking disgustingly dirty or my crazily unorganized closet, "If I just had a little extra time..."

So, I started thinking...

According to what I learned in geometry, an "if" statement should be followed by a "then" statement. So, what is my "then" statement?? It is...

If Jack wouldn't cry, then I could handle it. If I had a perfect, ready to go, meal plan, then I could do this. If the boys wouldn't argue, fuss, and fight, then I could handle this five kid thing. It would be within my grasp. I could be in control. I could conquer it. I'd have this thing... in the bag. Game over. I got it. The big V.

(Reality check: I just think I could handle it if Jack would be content, etc. I'm only kidding myself!)

The bottom line, what I've come to after thinking about all this for several weeks, is that it is time for me to lay it all down again. These "if" statements are all indicative of the fact that I have once again put myself in the drivers seat. I am trying so hard to keep everything within my grasp, everything under my control.

But, to be quite honest, I'm swamped. My laundry is piled high, my bed hasn't been made in 2 months, my menu plan is not happening, my counters stay cluttered, my boys are on a very weak schedule, and my personal hygiene is not up to par. More than at any other time in my life, I feel as if I am in over my head.

And, it isn't just the visible things.

It is the invisible things, too, the things that keep me up at night, the worries, the decisions, the things we wrestle with but we cannot see. I can't handle those either. And, as I sit alone in the dark, holding the sweetest infant, the worries come, the negative thoughts knock. And, once again I realize that I cannot handle this, all of this. I must lay it down. I must give my desires, as well as my worries over, lay them at His feet.

Yesterday afternoon I stood in the kitchen and craziness surrounded me. Erik Daniel was whining at my feet asking over and over for something I had already told him no to. Elijah was talking incessantly expecting me to hang on his every word. Joshua and JCT were talking and laughing loudly. Music was playing, and the tv on. And, I was at that moment completely overwhelmed. The noise level was too much, the pulling and tugging on my arms and legs by my 2 and 3 year olds was overstimulating. My mind was turning and twisting, swirling filled with lists of things to be done before we had to leave for Joshua's baseball game. I was standing still, in a daze, completely paralyzed by all the life happening around me and inside me. But, then, I looked down at the infant in my arms.

He was looking up at me, pure peace in those baby blue eyes. And, when our eyes met, he smiled, so big, so gently, so sweetly. And, his peace overwhelmed me, caught me off guard. I smiled at the contrast between his sweetness and the chaos that surrounded me. And, I breathed thanks to God for his gift to me in that moment.

As I thought of that moment over and over again later that evening, I thought of how it is very much like my life now. Life is spinning, sometimes out of control. Life is full and busy and hyper and loud, and I am at least two steps behind at all times. But, God is staring down at me with eyes filled to overflowing with peace for the moment. If only I will stop and gaze at Him, His peace will overwhelm me. But, I tend to keep my focus on the busyness around me, the to-do lists, the rat race, and all the while He is beckoning me to come, drop my Martha list, drop the facade that I am in control, and just sit at His feet and soak up the peace that passes understanding. It is time to give up, fall down on my knees, and lay all that concerns me, all that entangles me, all that strangles my joy, all that weighs me down, all that keeps me running wide open, all that drives me toward perfection, all the lies, worries, and fears ~ lay them all down at His feet and bask in the peace that only He gives.

Reflections...

2011-05-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

A year in review, my reflections on my first year teaching my children at home.

How I agonized over the decision.

And, here I sit 10 months later.

They've grown.

I've grown.

But, best of all...

We've grown.

Together

Day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, moment by moment,

Grace upon grace.

Laundry often left undone, baseboards filthy, counters and tables a mess, a rare break for my sanity, my work never completed, my to do lists gathering dust. . .

But, my heart is full.

The nagging of loss is gone and in its place is the fullness of chaos, loud laughter, and uninterrupted activity 24/7!!!

And, when I tucked Joshua in last night, I thanked him for the great privilege of teaching him this year. I told him how I loved being with him all day everyday, and I thanked him for the sweet memories of this year.

He thanked me for making him cookies. :-)

I told him he was very welcome. Then, he smiled and told me he loved being homeschooled.

My heart beamed. :-)

This year was not always pretty, and I'd certainly never call it easy. If I had to use one word to describe this year, it would be "rich."

It's been a year filled with...

visits from Pop and Nana (these become automatic holidays :-)
little boy laughter shaking the walls, rattling the roof
afternoons spent riding bikes, swimming, playing sports, exploring the woods ~ being free to be little boys
evenings and weekends without agenda ~ except soaking up time with Daddy
picnic lunches on pretty days
dinner table conversations about the Cold War, Sitting Bull, Apollo 11, or whatever else we are studying
fresh baked goodies with lots of helpers in the kitchen
enjoying good literature
brothers bonding
having "school" outside and breathing the fresh country air
big brothers reading to and teaching little brothers
the big learning to bend low and serve the small (still very much in process :-)
seeing the beauty in the simple
discovering the love for learning that God put in all of us (mom included!! :-)
waking up, pouring coffee, and listening to Daddy do devotions with his sons
slowing down a bit and savoring sweet time with my boys while they are still young

This year we've had more time, more moments, more memories. . .

The Rest of Jack's Birth Story...

2011-05-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned this before, but I must say it again. I like keeping my babies very close to me after they are born. I think about their little journey from a comfortable place safe, dark, warm, and filled with the familiar sound of Mama's voice and heartbeat to a place that is cold, full of light, where they aren't held so snug, and where the sounds are new and unfamiliar. And, I just want to hold them close to my chest and talk to them and make sure (if only for my own sake) that they feel safe. So, even the bassinet beside the bed feels too far away. While we are in the hospital, I sleep with my new little ones on my chest resting against my skin. And, we always sleep very well this way ~ both of us.

Knowing all that, you can imagine my absolute sadness when the nurse told me that Jack would have to stay in an isolette in the nursery for 24 hours. I had just given birth and tried to nurse (and for the first time, my newborn didn't nurse on the first attempt!) and then the nurse tells me he won't be able to room in with me. I was so sad.

So, so sad.

I kept telling myself that he was healthy, and I should be so thankful!! But, I just wanted to hold my baby. And, I couldn't turn off the tears. They began at that moment and remained most of the day.

A few hours later I was told that he was retracting when he breathed. Later they told me his respirations were 80+ a minute. Twice they consulted NICU. And, thankfully twice NICU didn't think his condition warranted moving him to the NICU. For two days they kept him on monitors in the nursery. And, for two days, I heard the sounds of the nurses wheeling bassinets down the hall to all the other mothers while I sat in my room knowing that my baby was. not. coming. My heart goes out to all the mothers who have ever had to do this. For years I have taken for granted that when I had a baby I would get to have my baby with me. Now, my heart hurts in a special way for all the mothers who have babies in the NICU ~ who don't get to go home with their babies. How hard it must be.

I wore out the hallway walking back and forth at feeding times to the nursery in Erik's button down shirt (to make skin on skin easier), my maternity jeans, and my new purple slippers my parents brought me. Over and over, day and night, every 3 hours, I walked to the nursery, held my Jack, and tried to get him to nurse with no success. I had to manually express colostrum for the nurses to feed him via a tube and a syringe. And, my heart was broken. I was so thankful that he was healthy, but I was still sad. I think it was just all so unexpected. I didn't expect to have him so early, and I didn't expect the experience to be any different from my other births.

I worked with the lactation consultants and was told he may not be able to latch until around the time of his due date. I had never not nursed a baby, so this was very difficult for me. Especially after we got home. Now at feeding times, I had to attempt to nurse him which usually did not work, feed him a bottle, and pump. Doing this and taking care of 4 children was such a challenge, and doing it at night meant I got very little sleep. We took a week and a half off of school, laundry was backed up, my house was a mess, and I was exhausted. But, we kept on keeping on. And, week by week, life got a little easier. Now, my little man is 6 weeks old, and he is nursing only!! I still give him a bottle every now just to keep him taking it.

Two, things that this experience has taught me are. . .

#1 A new and very real empathy for mothers of NICU babies as I mentioned before.

#2 Empathy for moms who have trouble nursing. It is emotionally difficult when your baby won't nurse. Poor Jack just couldn't latch, and it was obvious that he preferred the bottle. Call it hormones, but that hurt my feelings a little bit. I wanted him to want me. Nursing is an emotional thing. I'm not sure why it is, but it is a very intimate, special gift from God, and when it isn't working and you want it to, it is just plain hard.

But, as always, there were sweet gifts from God even in the hard. My boys were BIG helpers!! And, they learned a new skill. They learned how to feed Jack!!

They took turns and loved every minute of their turn...

Joshua even learned some super skills...

They will be great daddys one day! My boys love babies, and I'm so proud of them. Now they beg me to let them feed Jack, but I rarely let them! I'm making up for lost time ~ enjoying every feeding myself!!

I've never ventured too far out into the world of pumping and bottles, so my counters took on a new appearance with Jack ~ now cluttered with all my pumping accessories! And, my freezer, oh, dear heavens! I long for ice cream! My boys want popsicles! But, we just don't have room for those

things right now!!! Ha! The freezer is literally filled with bags of milk!! I used to buy frozen bags of chicken breasts. Now I have to buy fresh meat and use it before it goes bad because I have no room to freeze it!!! I doubt I'll ever use all the milk I've pumped, but I will not throw it away!!!

In retrospect I have learned a good deal over the past month. I realized about a week or two after Jack was born that I could not do all that I was doing before he was born. I would have to let some things go. When you have four children, you feel you've already let too much go. But, I knew I had to let even more go, or I'd fry myself. I had to let others help me, and that is not always an easy thing to do. Erik and I put our heads down, and we pressed on, and now things are getting easier, so very much easier! And, we are now officially done with Excelsior for the summer, and I am winding down the rest of our subjects dropping a little more each week. And, Jack is such a joy to us! It has been a different journey this time. A journey with unexpected turns and unfamiliar twists, but we are so thankful to be here and on this sweet journey with our new little man!

Jack's First Month

2011-05-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

Jack,

You turned one month before your due date! We didn't expect to have you with us so early, but we are so thankful to have you in our arms healthy and safe. One day, when we were going to get your weight checked at the Women's Center, I was searching through my purse to find something when I found something I didn't expect! I was holding you in my arms at the time, and out of my purse I pulled your pregnancy test. I had put it in my purse (which I rarely carry anywhere) to show your Daddy when I announced to him that God had chosen to give you to us! What a gift you are, little man!! So, I had to take a picture of the difference 9 months makes!! Ha! From a little line on a stick to a sweet baby in blue! God is so good! We love you with all our hearts!
I don't know that my boys have ever been so crazy about a baby! They adore you! They cannot keep their little hands off you! I spend most of my day trying to hold and feed you while little hands reach, grab, and pet you! You get hundreds of kisses everyday from little lips!!

Before you were born, I would spend my Friday mornings, while your brothers were at Excelsior, sitting quietly at Atlanta Bread Company. I looked forward to the time alone each week. So peaceful and sweet! But, the last three weeks I have not been alone!! I have had a little buddy with me ~ you!!! And, I have sipped my hot raspberry tea and held you. Good times! I took the picture to the left on one of our Friday morning dates, sweet boy!
Now, a little about you. You look sorta like Elijah and sorta like Erik Daniel. I think your eyes are going to be blue?? And, your hair is most definitely going to be red like your big brothers! You fit right in little man! You are nursing like a champ now. I had to fight for it, but the fighting payed off! You rarely take a bottle anymore! Your big brothers miss feeding you for me! You smiled for the first time in the hospital, and you have not stopped since that time! You are trying to talk ~ lots of sweet little coos. You are gagging some, not spitting up, but just gagging, and your tummy hurts you some. I am trying my best to make you as comfortable as I can. You sleep wonderfully ~ waking once, sometimes twice, during the night.
You are such a gift, and I am thoroughly enjoying being your mom! I am excited to get to know you better and better each month, each year! Keep growing, little fifth man! How special you are!

Jesus Loves Jack. . .

2011-05-11T14:45:00.002-07:00

I was straightening up the schoolroom after we finished our morning work when I heard them. First, I heard little Jack begin to cry in his moses basket, then suddenly he was quiet...

And, his cries were replaced by the sounds of sweet brother angels singing...

Jack's Birth Story!

2011-05-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

When I recall this time in my life, there are two things I hope I never forget. Two things that have played a significant behind the scenes role in the last four months of my life. The first is Audrey Assad's CD, and the second is Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts. Audrey's CD has played in my home almost constantly since late December. So many of her words have spoken what my heart often wants to say. Hearing her music years from now will bring me back to my Jack's birth and the happy months prior to it.

The week before Jack's birth Erik went with me to my 34 week ob appointment, which because I am 35, included a routine sonogram. Unfortunately the sonogram showed that my amniotic fluid level was low. It was still in normal range but was at the bottom end of normal. My doctor asked that I drink a lot of water over the next week and return for another sonogram at my 35 week appointment. Now, I have been pregnant four other times, and all had always been normal, so I wasn't really too concerned about this low fluid thing.

I scheduled a prenatal massage (thank you, Deana B) for the hour prior to my 35 week appointment. So, when I showed up at the doctor's office I was relaxed and peaceful!! The sun was shining and all was well. The sonogram went fine, and at the end I asked the tech if my fluid level was okay? Her answer:

"Well... I'd have to call it low."

So, I went to subwaiting thinking I must be a little lower than last week ~ on the verge of "low" or just at the top end of "low." I sent a text to my mom and Erik and a few others saying all was well and letting them know that my phone was about to die ~ so not to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while. I pulled out 1000 Gifts and began reading. This was my second time through it, and I was just soaking it in ~ reading each word slowly. Until, my doctor's nurse came to get me. But, she didn't want to take me to an exam room. She said the doctor wanted to put me on a monitor for a little while.

What?

As she strapped me to the machine, I finally got up the nerve to ask. . . "Is something wrong?"

She answered, "He'll talk to you about it when he sees you."

That is nurse-speak for, "Yes, something is wrong."

So, I sat there on the monitor, afraid to use my phone because I knew it was about to die at any second. I didn't feel like reading or watching the TV in front of me. So, I just stared at the cover of Ann's book and talked to God. Ann's book is about her wrestle with the Almighty, learning to accept not just the good but the hard things, as well. As I looked as the sweet picture of robin eggs held in open hands, I held my hands out to God and prayed, "I don't know what this is, but give me the courage and grace to accept what You give with open hands ~ whatever the situation might be." I think I spent most of that 30 minutes just breathing, slowly, deeply, prayerfully.

My doctor came in and told me that the baby was doing great! Just what he wanted to see!! "Oh, goodie!" I thought to myself. I took a deep breath and relaxed. But, then he got very serious, looked me in the eyes in a way he never has before in the ten years we've known each other, and said...

"I want you to go to one of the exam rooms and wait for me. We need to have a come to Jesus talk in a few minutes."

What is this about? I thought the baby was doing great? So I gave him my "what did you just say look." And, he answered. . .

"Well, I'm polling my colleagues about what I should do with you, and the first one I asked said I should put you in and take the baby tonight."

What?

Not at all what I expected. Not at all. So, I took a deep breath and gave him my "what did you just say" look again. And, he expounded, "Your fluid level is as low as if your water has already broken. You only have 2 pockets of fluid left, and that isn't enough for the baby."

Oh.

Later, as I sat in one of the exam rooms waiting for my doctor to finish polling the other doctors in his group, I used the last of my battery to call Erik and tell him what the doctor said. He was as shocked as I was, and I heard him yell down the hall to Sean, "Hey, Brother, we may have a baby tonight!!!"

So, I spent the next hour or so driving around waiting for Erik. And, Erik spent the hour getting our stuff together at home and driving to me. We met in a parking lot. It was night by this time, dark, and I was scared, shaking. I got in my car and followed him to the hospital. I don't think I'll ever forget that drive. I didn't want to have a baby that night. I love being pregnant, and I wasn't ready to not be. It most likely will never happen again, and I wanted to savor my last few weeks of feeling the baby move inside me. I was tired. I didn't feel up to laboring all night ~ especially not laboring with Pitocin. But, I did my best to hold my hands open to Him. And, as I drove staring at those familiar tail lights shining in front of me, I prayed and listened to Audrey sing "Restless." And, I did my best to listen to her words and to rest in the peace they offered. I took deep breaths. It was all so confusing. What were we doing? What was happening? I was supposed to be home putting my boys to bed.

We got to the hospital and a sweet friend of ours was the nurse manager that night, and she so kindly labored with me along with a sweet red-headed RN who looked more like she should have been in a Jane Austen book rather than in scrubs placing my IV.

We had a great turn out for our little labor party! (My mom always says my labors are more like a party than labor!). My mom made it in time as did my sweet friend Sara who drove from Nashville. And, of course, my sister-woman, Deana B was there with camera in hand! But, this labor was not a party. NO, sir. Pitocin crashed my sweet labor party. I didn't have much fun. I was quite unhappy. All my sweet friends just lined up with their backs against the wall afraid to speak to me! Ha!

The room was full of people, but as far as I was concerned there was only one other person there.

My Erik.

We've done this labor thing a few times. He is my husband, my doctor, and my best friend. Yes, I have a doctor, but Erik labors with me, and he delivers our sweet boys into this world. And, he does it so sweetly, so gently, so perfectly. What a wonderful welcome the boys get ~ their Daddy's strong hands right there to catch their sweet naked little bodies. Erik and I are a team, and I love it. He knows me like no one else. And, when I told him after a couple hours of Pitocin, that I wanted an epidural ~ that I just couldn't do it any longer. He looked me in the eyes and said, "No, you don't. You don't want an epidural. You'll be mad at yourself tomorrow. I know you. You don't mean it. I know you better than you know yourself. You can do this, Erin. You. can. do. this." And, I looked him in the eyes and said...

"I'm so mad at you!!!!"

And, I meant it with every fiber of my being. I. meant. it. I was mad, fighting mad. If only the pain hadn't been so bad, I'd have told him all the awful things that I was thinking. But, thankfully, I was hurting so badly that all I could do was bite my tongue and keep on keeping on.

He is strength and courage for me when I don't have the will to muster it up myself. When I labor his attention is fixed on me, fiercely fixed. He looks through me when I am pushing. He tells me how to push and how close I am to delivering. I learned a long time ago how to read Erik's cues, and I know when the baby is really close. Everyone else can say, "I see the head, and it is right there. One more push, and he'll be here." But, I don't believe it until I hear Erik say it. I take my cues from him. When I am in that bed, pushing, there is one face I see, standing right in front of me. There is one voice I listen for, and it is his. He has my trust. He is my leader and my love, and I am so thankful for these memories.

Jack came very quickly and very easily at the end, a wee little thing, he popped right out into Daddy's hands! Erik says he gets more emotional each time! And, this little man had a knot in his cord. My doctor called it a "true knot" whatever that means! It is a scary sight to see ~ your cord all tangled like that. After a few moments, Erik put Jack on my chest, and I fell in love again. :-) Then they took that sweet vernix covered love of mine and cleaned him, wrapped him, and gave him back to me to love. He smelled that freshly born scent that I love. He was a sweet little bundle, and I held him close. Sweet Jack here with us 5 weeks early, our biggest surprise yet and born on April Fools Day, too!!!

The Dry Days. . .

2011-05-05T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm tired.

It has been a month, and everyone tells me sweet and wonderful things...

"You're amazing!"
"I don't know how you do it!"
"You don't look like you've just had a baby!"
"I think you must be made to have children!"

And, some days I feel it. I feel amazing and energetic and full of life and all that He offers me through it.

But, today I'm tired. I feel worn. Tears are just a few blinks away.

God is so good, and I am so tired.

He is still good when I am tired.

He is so very good when I feel worn, ragged, old, and grumpy.

His grace is enough for days when I just can't do it.

His grace fills me when my cup is empty.

And, in these times when I am tired, worn, and much too hard on myself, it is then that He reminds me that He is all I need.

I need to catch my breath...

And, He is my Breath, my Life, the only Thing that fills my cup on the dry days...

and the long nights...

When I sit on that couch holding my sweet infant and the sun is still tucked far away, I can know that I am not alone and...

He is enough, more than enough.

Only He can make dry days bloom beauty and joy and peace amidst the tired, the weak, and the overwhelmed!

Because one thing is for sure, when you have five kiddos and you are tired, weary, and worn, life does not stop for you!! So, press on!! If only they would wear the same clothes for a week and let me get caught up on laundry! Ha!

Pictures from April. . .

I love to be outdoors in spring. The yard, the woods, they come alive in spring ~ all the colors and smells. I could breath honeysuckle all year long!! :-)

He appears to be so worried. It is hard to be a baby, so, so hard!! :-)

Best friends.

Sweetness.

Precious.

Fresh air.

Beauty.

Love.

My Jack.

He is strength for this weary mama, and His grace, thankfully, fills my gaps.

I am so thankful.

O, my Strength, I sing praise to you;

You, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

Psalm 59:17

Giving Birth to Life

2011-04-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

I watched a handful of women labor during my nursing school labor and delivery rotation.

But, I only remember one of them.

She gave birth completely naturally, and her birthing experience changed me somewhere deep inside. I remember going back to my dorm room and rereading the verses in Genesis where God handed out this curse. I pondered it all, replaying her experience over and over in my mind and solidifying my desire to one day give birth naturally.

Without medications to numb the pain, I wanted to feel it, to know it in its entirety.

I watched this woman filled with pain, agony, actually. She yelled out, said she wanted to quit, wanted out, but there was no way out. And, then as the pain escalated, her cries at their peak. . .

the baby came. . .

And, the room full of pain and tension instantly gave birth to peace and joy.

Husband relaxed and cried and rejoiced.

Worn completely to the end of herself, the mother's pained expression turned instantly to a face beaming with beauty and love.

I was drawn to something in that room. It wouldn't let me go. For weeks I thought of her ~ the beauty I had witnessed in that delivery room. I longed to one day experience it for myself ~ to birth beauty from agony. To give all of myself so that another could live ~ to feel it deeply, fully, to hold nothing back.

As God allowed me to experience this all over again one more time just a few weeks ago, I was taken back to the first time I witnessed it as a young student standing with my back to the wall fighting tears.

And, as Easter is upon us, I began to wonder. . .

Maybe that is why I am so drawn to this experience? Doesn't everything point to Him? To the One Who gave His all for us?

To the One Who walked that angry hill for you and for me. . .

To the One Who so beautifully suffered excruciating pain, agony unimaginable. . .

To the One Who gave Himself over fully...

To the One Who held nothing back. . .

To the One Whose pain birthed Life for us Who are in Him. . .

He Who suffered greatly, suffered to give us Life. . .

To me, it is such a picture of what Jesus did for me, and therein lies the beauty.

When I finished giving birth to Jack, my young curly, red-headed nurse came back into my room after the doctor and other nurses had left, and looked me in the eyes saying, "That was so pretty. You've inspired me." And, I thought to myself, "It wasn't me."

We are all drawn to Him, to His love. He is all around us, in our daily experiences ~ if we will open our eyes and see all of life pointing to Him, to the cross, to life and love abundant.

And, I thank Him today as we celebrate the day of His agony. I thank Him that the pain was not in vain, but gave birth to big, beautiful, abundant LIFE.

Glory in the Mess

2011-04-20T17:08:00.000-07:00

Two phrases that meant the world to me in college (and still do today) are. . .

#1 "Bloom where your planted." It wasn't a particularly spiritual phrase, but it worked for me. I was a homebody far from home. And, I wanted more than anything to live out the life God called me to live, but I just could not figure out how to do it. What exactly did it mean? That was my searching journey of those four years of my life. (And, honestly, it continues as I journey on. . . ) Wherever God placed me, I wanted to live fully there. To, as Jim Elliot put it, "Wherever you are, be all there." Don't look to the left or the right. Look straight into the eyes of Love. Blooming has everything to do with focus.

#2 "It's not about me." I learned during my second year of college, for the first time in my life, that life was not all about me. Somehow I misunderstood this all the years prior. It was all about me. But, God began to break it to me, gently, sweetly, bit by bit, piece by piece, that life was about HIM, not me. And, so that simple little phrase, "It's not about me," got me through one of the most tumultuous, lonely years of my life. Example: I'd say to myself. . ."All I've ever wanted is to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. But, what if I don't meet Mr. Right? What if God calls me to be single?" Then, I'd answer myself, "Remember, Erin, it's not about you. It is about Him, about Him being glorified through your life. Die, die, die.... even to this, you must die."

Most days I am completely enamored with the life God has given me. He has chosen to give me the desires of my heart ~ to be a wife, a mother, and a homemaker. But.....

sometimes I am such an ingrate.

There are moments when little boys are sooo loud and sooo busy. They are so everywhere, and all over and around me, on top of me, and, did I mention, LOUD, so LOUD!!! And for a girl who thrives on peace and quiet, this can be a challenge to die daily! Loud, busy, full court basketball games in my living room, a quarrel here, a mess there, counters cluttered, laundry stacked high, a bottom needing wiped, a baby with a blowout diaper, spilled milk, a broken toy, 5 boys with 5 needs ~ all thinking theirs to be the most urgent. And, my head spins, and the dog tears through the house barking and running full speed because he sees Mr. Cole walking Belle across the street. And, he knocks my two year old flat on concrete floor. And, my ears are full of screaming child, cries of hungry baby, squeals of little boy laughter, and loud barks of large angry territorial dog. And, it is at these times that I remind myself, once again, that it is not about me, and I must bloom where I am planted ~ even in this. Some days I love the chaos, I embrace it. Other days, it is an act of will. God has called me here, to this place, and so it is here that I am living, fully.

Can God be glorified through the changing of dirty diapers, the filling of hungry bellies, the cleaning of spills, the walking of an old dog, the laundering of a family of 7, the teaching of math and science and history, the training and correction of disciplining boys, the cheering on of small victories, the knowing smiles of mother and child, the hugs, the lullabies, the books read, the holding of little hands, the peacemaking, the night waking, the daily grind?

I suppose He can, but the real (honest) question my heart asks is. . .

Can He be glorified when tired mother loses her temper? When I am selfish, and try to smile at sweet boys, but really I just want to lock myself in closet with a cup of Bifferdoodle and a good book? What about when I expect too much from them, and I am angry that they can't remember certain historical dates or math facts quickly enough? When I snap at them rudely? Judge them unfairly? When I complain and nag and allow my heart to be full of negative thoughts?

Can He be glorified then?

I'm not so sure, but I know one thing. I never knew how sinful my heart was until I started having little ones. And, the selfishness deep within my heart was pulled to the surface. And, He is using these sweet little ones to sharpen and chisel away at their mother. And, I can honestly say that I am different. I am not the same as I was last year or the year before, and I am thankful. And, so as I walk, day in and day out, some days soaring and some days failing miserably, my prayer remains that I would be who He called me to be, that my life would in some way glorify Him.

"Glory to God, glory to God, Fullness of wisdom,

He writes my story into His song,

My life for the glory of God."

How Emptiness Sings ~ Christa Wells