Surrender is the Opposite of Control

I struggle with the desire to control. Comfort and safety are the longings of my heart. I long for heaven because there it will be safe and comfortable, and I won't have need to be afraid or concerned. God will physically be near and meet all my needs. But, here on earth? How can I be sure? When Josh drives the hour and a half to college, how can I know he will be safe? I can't. I have to trust God. Not trust God to keep Him safe - but trust God that He is near, that He will be with Josh, and He will be with me no matter what happens. Teens bathe themselves and feed themselves. They don't need much by way of physical needs met. They don't even need me to drive them places. They come and go as they will. Practice at 4:00, they leave at 3:40. I'm not needed. Sounds so easy to the mother of five children under five. But, young mama, prepare your heart. It is easier physically. But it is much harder mentally and emotionally. But as in all difficult situations, there is so much ground for God to cultivate and grow us. I am learning to take my hands off the wheel and trust God in ways that I haven't had to before. This morning I wrote the title of this post in my prayer journal and then made a list of all the things I needed to lay down this morning... all the things that I needed to surrender to God. It isn't easy, but I am committed to daily surrender. Lord, help me.

Seasons

 How many times over the years have I begun a post only to stop mid first paragraph and quit. I've been praying about returning to this space regularly. Not what I will but what He wills. We will see if He gives words to my thoughts. My time is short these days, and so the words will have to flow easily...

I love the seasons. We live in the south, and we have the blessing of enjoying four distinct seasons. I love every single one of them ~ fall and winter are my favorites. But, what would life be without the joy of new birth in the spring ~ the glorious green everywhere. And summer with sticky watermelon juice dripping from sweet little faces, hot sweaty hard at play kiddos, and the sound of water splashing mixed with squeals and laughter. The hotter the summer and the thicker the humidity, the sweeter the coming of fall seems ~ a reprieve from the heat. It rolls in gently on the soft winds of change. Pumpkin patches and Thanksgiving dinner, family gathering together ~ the smell of apples and pumpkin spice... Then, comes winter, Christmas, cinnamon scents, cozy snow days with hot chocolate, and curling up in blankets by the fireplace... 

I love the seasons. As much as I love any particular season, I wouldn't want to stay in it all year long or forever for that matter. Though eternal fall sounds heavenly ~ I would miss corn on the cob and picnics on sweaty kids... And, I am reminding myself of this as I look toward this fall ~ when my oldest will leave my home for college for the first time. Our family will enter a new season of life. I will enter a new season of motherhood. This is hard because I love the other seasons of motherhood so much!

I loved the little years! So much of those years is safely recorded here on this blog. The years when all were homeschooled in our sweet home here on 7 acres. Years of nature walks, looking at the horses up the road, baking cookies, swimming, playing on the swings out back, jumping on the trampoline, nap times, and read alouds...

Josh's first day of 7th grade with his good buddy Gage by his side.

Slowly one by one they have left my homeschool in 7th grade and gone to middle school to play basketball. And, now my homeschool has gone from 7 students to 3 students. This season has looked different. I've still been homeschooling the same ~ morning time and read alouds, crafts and science experiments, but it has also looked different.... It is a distracted homeschool. Mom having to run out to see or take part in various activities at the school during our homeschool day ~ pep rally's, homecoming events, etc. all change the flow of our homeschool. And, I will forever miss the sweetness of the days with all at home ~ such sweetness filled our home during those years. But, what wonderful things I have experienced when my boys went to school ~ they thrived! FCA president ~watching Josh learn to lead and speak and love people well, their growth as basketball players ~ lots of 5 county tournament champions, STATE CHAMPIONS, a state champion MVP... Going to games, driving hours, becoming like family with his teammates' families, cheering until my throat hurt, watching Josh and James start together and fight together and ultimately win it all together! This season has been such fun. I wouldn't call it "sweet" like the little years, but it has been "fun." And, I am grateful for it. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now, I stare a new season in the face. What will it hold? This fall we will have: two sons and a daughter playing travel basketball, one son playing middle school basketball, two sons playing high school basketball, and one son playing college basketball. How will we see all of their games? We won't. A new season has emerged and Josh will play in various states, and when he looks into the stands, he won't see his two biggest fans. We will do our best to see as many games as we can, but we won't be able to do it all. And, he will not live in my home. I won't see his face every morning, or hear him singing praise songs through the walls as he showers. How many times have I leaned my ear to the door to hear his sweet voice sing in the shower and thank God for his heart. I don't want this season with everyone living at home to end. Just like I didn't want the season of all 7 in my home being homeschooled together to end....

But, life goes on, the winds of change blow again and move us forward, onward to what God has next. The story must continue. We can't stay in the same chapter forever no matter how sweet or fun it is. Josh is ready to try life on his own, to spread his wings. I know he will do well. He has what it takes. And, I will watch as this new season unfolds... God will be with him, and He will be with me as He always has been. 

Last night I did something I haven't done in years. I walked outside and stood at the end of our azalea bushes just past the breezeway but not quite to the front porch. When the kids were little and the noise and chaos overwhelmed me, I would step outside to this exact spot and stare at the sky, the sunset, the stars, the moon, and I would pray for the strength to go back inside and love them well.  I would take a minute to see God and feel him with me right there by the azaleas. So, last night I walked to that same spot, and I stared at the sunset, and I thanked God for being with me all through the little years and the middle years.  And, I thanked Him that I can know with certainty that He will be with me during these later years of adult children emerging from my home. He holds my heart. Like Mary I ponder so many memories deep in my heart. My heart is full, my cup overflows. He has been with me and always will be and that is my comfort as the seasons change. Lots of things will be different, but, He and I, we will walk it out together just like we always have.

You Have to Start Somewhere...

When I allow myself to stop long enough to think about it, it makes me so sad ~ the thought that I haven't blogged faithfully in sooooo long!! In a strange way, I feel like several years of my life have been stolen from me. :-(  Life has come at me so fast and so hard for so long now.  When I think back over the last few years, the memories are sketchy at best.  I so wish I had just taken even 15 minutes once a week to record a bit of my heart. Just enough to remind me of how it felt in the midst of the chaos.  But, I didn't do that. Bummer.

In so many ways I feel like I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. My baby is three! My oldest went to middle school this year! Everyone is out of diapers! Everyone sleeps through the night! When we go to baseball games, we don't need to take a stroller! I don't have to nurse or spoon feed anyone! There are still many needs and demands but not nearly as many as there has been in the past.  So, slowly, I am trying to add a few things I enjoy back into my life here and there, and this has been such a blessing! But, I keep putting blogging off because I know I can never ever catch up.  I don't have time.  So, all I can do is start today.  So, that is what I am doing!  I'm starting today.

This is a random mix of what is going on in our neck of the woods...


I am attempting to organize my entire house. Insert exhaustion. But, I am actually getting somewhere!!

We added on a dock this spring...

My baby is growing up, and the days of him falling asleep on me are coming to an end.  So, I'm soaking it up!

We had a small injury last week. Our old pool pump motor fell off of something and onto Elijah's toe!! Ouch!

That is it for today! But, I do believe I will be back soon!

Nature Study...

I love nature study!  But, to be totally honest, I haven't always been very faithful about taking the time to simply make it happen!  I have all the books, and we keep a nature shelf! (I think I got the nature shelf idea from Soule Mama??) 

But, in the past I have made all the plans... only to be disappointed when I didn't follow through with them!  Kids love nature, and being outside discovering things together is so fun!!  And, to make it even more enticing, Erik had an oval shaped trail cut through the woods directly to the right of our house this summer.  It is perfect for nature walks! 

So, this year I was determined that we would find a way to be faithful!  I set the bar super low!  I find that setting the bar low helps to motivate me.  I am easily overwhelmed and give up when expectations are set too high.  So, here is what we are doing...

We take one nature walk a month!  One focused walk.  The kids look forward to it.  We collect leaves and flowers. We chase butterflies and whatever else they find that interests them.  We notice the changes in the trees/insects/wildlife from month to month.  We eat a picnic lunch.  When we get back home, we pull out our journals and write about what we noticed, and we draw something we collected.  (Everyone except James Christofer that is... His nature journal is a video put to music of pictures and videos he took of the rest of us while we were on our nature walk.  I'm always so excited to see the videos he puts together! Sweet memories in the making!) We, also, use the things we have collected to decorate the house! :-)  And, some months we even do a nature inspired craft of sorts! It all just makes me so happy! 

The best part is that we have been faithful three months in a row!  Easy peasy!  This I can do!

Love it!

The Beach and Adding a Bit of Margin...

It feels sooooo good to prioritize blogging, memory keeping, taking time to write and reflect.  I love to reflect, think, analyze... It is who I am, how I was made.  And, for years I have not made it a priority, and my soul has yearned for it!  So, I am making a space of time in my day, at least once a week, for it!  Surely, cross my fingers, surely, I can make this happen!  If for no other reason than for my own sanity, I need it!

We took Columbus Day weekend and went to Santa Rosa Beach!  It was beautiful and fun and wonderful!

Sweet Emery...

Crazy Josh....

Jack and Emery playing a friendly little football game :-)

The condo we stayed in had kayaks with it!  We are now spoiled and will have to rent them every time we go!  The boys (Erik included) loved them.

Josh and James spent hours out there paddling away... They went a bit farther out than my comfort zone would have liked, but they were adventurous together, and I love that!

This is my resident marine biologist.  He really ought to live close to the ocean one day.  His heart is found somewhere deep in those deep blue waters.  He loves to fish and study all kinds of marine animals.  This is his happy place...

We had so much fun! New adventures...

I tried to take a selfie with Emery and Zeke, but I had to settle for one with each of them separately.  Somehow I couldn't get both of them in the same picture!

Every year all the boys have to play their annual beach football game!  Erik is the quarterback for both teams. :-)

Hours at the beach makes even this energizer bunny... Zzzzzzzzzzz....

Menchie's yogurt for dinner?!?!?!

The condo we stayed in was perfect!  We loved just hanging out there!

I took this picture from Erik and I's room at sunset one night...

We always load all our things and the kids in the van, and then Erik and I come in and run through one last quick time to make sure we haven't forgotten anything.  It is always quiet, and I always take one last long gaze out at the ocean.  I always fight tears.  I don't think it is so much that I love the ocean, but more that I love the time away from "real life" with the ones that I love the most. I treasure these little beach vacations.  They have my heart.  Until next time...

Usually we hit the ground running when we return home.  But, I was determined we would not do that this time!  I actually scheduled it so that the kids had only a few subjects to do today (our first full day home). I am learning that I tend to push myself too hard, and a little margin goes a long way when it comes to avoiding burn out.  So, instead of a crazy first day home, we have had a relaxing, sweet day.  I even made time to blog!  What???  Yes, and I am so happy I did!  And, I believe that by Friday I will be even more grateful for the slow ease back into "real life." :-)

Embracing the Change...

It's been a while since I've visited this place, and I miss it!  I always say that I hope to be back here regularly again, but life steps in, and it all falls apart. But, I hope this time it will be different.  Yes, I am believing it will!  I am beginning to see a little glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel.  Zeke is just about potty trained! Yikes! My baby will be 3 in just a few months.  

I've said it hundreds of times, but the winds of change are blowing through our home.  And, I guess they always are if I think about it.  Life is never stagnant.  It's always changing, stretching, growing, moving forward...  And, so this fall has brought some big changes for our family.  Number one, my sweet Joshua has started going to public school.  Here he is on his first day walking in with a sweet friend...  

It's been a bit of a roller coaster, but all in all, his transition has been painless ~ easy, even. In this small town, we know pretty much every teacher he has.  Erik is so involved with the school athletics that he is very acquainted with coaches, teachers, and administrators.  In a funny way, it has felt like a safe little nest to send him off to.  I cannot complain.  Everyone has bent over backwards to help him.  When we walked into orientation, we were met with squeals of excitement from several teacher friends.  Everyone has been so welcoming, so excited to have him!  He is playing football and looking forward to basketball which begins in a few weeks!

As for the rest of us...

We are happily homeschooling.  James misses Josh, and I am with him on that.  He doesn't have his buddy during the day, and that is hard.  But, we are slowing growing accustomed to this new normal. And, we are trying to make the best of it. When Josh gets home and begins his homework, James takes a seat next to him and busies himself with some sort of quiet work just to be near him.  It's the sweetest...

We've joined a new co-op, and we could not love it more!!!  I love it academically, and I love it for the sweet friends we have gained!  LOVE!  We are so happy! Here is my crew on their first day!

It has been a funny thing ~ beginning something new without Josh.  We go on field trips.  We go to classes.  We sing our memory work.  And, he does his own thing, studies for his own tests, does his own homework... This is a first.  We've always been one unit, doing everything together. We've always studied history together, read aloud books together, gone on field trips together.  And, now we are studying Middle Ages, and Josh is studying early colonial America.... We are going on field trips and discussing them at the dinner table, and he sits, eats, and listens, and my heart yearns a bit for the good old days.  But, if there is one thing I've learned as a mom, it is that times marches on and that the very best thing to do is embrace the change and grow with it. There is not a doubt in my mind that this is the right decision for our family at this time. So, much prayer, literally years of prayer, went into this shift from homeschool to public school.  Erik and I have had the greatest peace about this decision, and that helps on the days when we miss our sweet big boy. He has the sweetest friends from the sweetest families, and that makes my heart so happy!!

In other news... Fall is by far my favorite time of year.  My heart is always so full during fall, so thankful.  I love the colors.  I love the chill in the air.  I love the cool breezes.  I love the smells of cinnamon and apples and pumpkin spice.  I love a warm drink and a sweater.  And, I love sunset football games between brothers.  They are my fave...

Our little world spins on and on... Time flying by so fast that I am left stunned and speechless at times.  When I started this blog, I had only Josh and James.  Now look at our crew!  Some days I feel fresh and happy and young like that mama I once was ~ the one who never had to think of lesson plans or dropping off or picking up kids at various activities.  That mama who just took her little ones on walks and drew with sidewalk chalk for hours on end....  And, then, at other times I feel war torn and tired.  I've lived a lot of life since the sweet simple days of only small children.  It is an interesting place to be ~ to be the mother of big kids with football and basketball games, as well as, the mom of little ones who still want to sit in your lap and listen to you read Brown Bear, Brown Bear over and over again.  And, so I try to find the balance, to be both these moms to both these types of children... Sometimes I find myself frustrated with the older boys' busy schedules or frustrated with the littles for not being "easy" for ME (note my selfishness) at their brothers' ball games.  But, really, they are all precious, and I pray God will make me enough to be the mother they all need, all 7 of them.

I hope to be back again very soon! :-)

The Beach 2016

When our plans to go to the beach were in the early stages,  Erik was hoping to find a place on Rosemary Beach or Destin.  But, for some silly reason, my heart is here at Fort Morgan.  I know it isn't as pretty.  But, it also is not as touristy nor as crowded. And, when it came down to being 2 blocks from the beach or being directly on the beach for the same price, we again went with Fort Morgan.  And, for 5 days we listened to old Jack Johnson (Curious George soundtrack) and took it slow...

Daddy did the big grocery trip once we got to Gulf Shores, and he bought some fun things!! :-)

I think one of my favorite things about the beach is how it wears out my kids!! So much fun!

I love that when we go (spring and fall) we almost have the beach to ourselves.  It makes watching the kids so much less stressful!

Next year we will have to buy a tent because someone did not like the sun on her! :-)

Mother's Day 2016...

My favorite thing to do at the beach...

Steamers in Gulf Shores at the recommendation of some sweet friends!  The perfect spot for a big family like ours!

Matt's Homemade Alabama Ice Cream was awesome! We will be back for sure!

Fort Morgan, thank you once again for a peaceful, wonderful family vacation! This makes our fourth trip to this beach, and it is beginning to feel like a second home to me!