Surrender is the Opposite of Control

I struggle with the desire to control. Comfort and safety are the longings of my heart. I long for heaven because there it will be safe and comfortable, and I won't have need to be afraid or concerned. God will physically be near and meet all my needs. But, here on earth? How can I be sure? When Josh drives the hour and a half to college, how can I know he will be safe? I can't. I have to trust God. Not trust God to keep Him safe - but trust God that He is near, that He will be with Josh, and He will be with me no matter what happens. Teens bathe themselves and feed themselves. They don't need much by way of physical needs met. They don't even need me to drive them places. They come and go as they will. Practice at 4:00, they leave at 3:40. I'm not needed. Sounds so easy to the mother of five children under five. But, young mama, prepare your heart. It is easier physically. But it is much harder mentally and emotionally. But as in all difficult situations, there is so much ground for God to cultivate and grow us. I am learning to take my hands off the wheel and trust God in ways that I haven't had to before. This morning I wrote the title of this post in my prayer journal and then made a list of all the things I needed to lay down this morning... all the things that I needed to surrender to God. It isn't easy, but I am committed to daily surrender. Lord, help me.

Seasons

 How many times over the years have I begun a post only to stop mid first paragraph and quit. I've been praying about returning to this space regularly. Not what I will but what He wills. We will see if He gives words to my thoughts. My time is short these days, and so the words will have to flow easily...

I love the seasons. We live in the south, and we have the blessing of enjoying four distinct seasons. I love every single one of them ~ fall and winter are my favorites. But, what would life be without the joy of new birth in the spring ~ the glorious green everywhere. And summer with sticky watermelon juice dripping from sweet little faces, hot sweaty hard at play kiddos, and the sound of water splashing mixed with squeals and laughter. The hotter the summer and the thicker the humidity, the sweeter the coming of fall seems ~ a reprieve from the heat. It rolls in gently on the soft winds of change. Pumpkin patches and Thanksgiving dinner, family gathering together ~ the smell of apples and pumpkin spice... Then, comes winter, Christmas, cinnamon scents, cozy snow days with hot chocolate, and curling up in blankets by the fireplace... 

I love the seasons. As much as I love any particular season, I wouldn't want to stay in it all year long or forever for that matter. Though eternal fall sounds heavenly ~ I would miss corn on the cob and picnics on sweaty kids... And, I am reminding myself of this as I look toward this fall ~ when my oldest will leave my home for college for the first time. Our family will enter a new season of life. I will enter a new season of motherhood. This is hard because I love the other seasons of motherhood so much!

I loved the little years! So much of those years is safely recorded here on this blog. The years when all were homeschooled in our sweet home here on 7 acres. Years of nature walks, looking at the horses up the road, baking cookies, swimming, playing on the swings out back, jumping on the trampoline, nap times, and read alouds...

Josh's first day of 7th grade with his good buddy Gage by his side.

Slowly one by one they have left my homeschool in 7th grade and gone to middle school to play basketball. And, now my homeschool has gone from 7 students to 3 students. This season has looked different. I've still been homeschooling the same ~ morning time and read alouds, crafts and science experiments, but it has also looked different.... It is a distracted homeschool. Mom having to run out to see or take part in various activities at the school during our homeschool day ~ pep rally's, homecoming events, etc. all change the flow of our homeschool. And, I will forever miss the sweetness of the days with all at home ~ such sweetness filled our home during those years. But, what wonderful things I have experienced when my boys went to school ~ they thrived! FCA president ~watching Josh learn to lead and speak and love people well, their growth as basketball players ~ lots of 5 county tournament champions, STATE CHAMPIONS, a state champion MVP... Going to games, driving hours, becoming like family with his teammates' families, cheering until my throat hurt, watching Josh and James start together and fight together and ultimately win it all together! This season has been such fun. I wouldn't call it "sweet" like the little years, but it has been "fun." And, I am grateful for it. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Now, I stare a new season in the face. What will it hold? This fall we will have: two sons and a daughter playing travel basketball, one son playing middle school basketball, two sons playing high school basketball, and one son playing college basketball. How will we see all of their games? We won't. A new season has emerged and Josh will play in various states, and when he looks into the stands, he won't see his two biggest fans. We will do our best to see as many games as we can, but we won't be able to do it all. And, he will not live in my home. I won't see his face every morning, or hear him singing praise songs through the walls as he showers. How many times have I leaned my ear to the door to hear his sweet voice sing in the shower and thank God for his heart. I don't want this season with everyone living at home to end. Just like I didn't want the season of all 7 in my home being homeschooled together to end....

But, life goes on, the winds of change blow again and move us forward, onward to what God has next. The story must continue. We can't stay in the same chapter forever no matter how sweet or fun it is. Josh is ready to try life on his own, to spread his wings. I know he will do well. He has what it takes. And, I will watch as this new season unfolds... God will be with him, and He will be with me as He always has been. 

Last night I did something I haven't done in years. I walked outside and stood at the end of our azalea bushes just past the breezeway but not quite to the front porch. When the kids were little and the noise and chaos overwhelmed me, I would step outside to this exact spot and stare at the sky, the sunset, the stars, the moon, and I would pray for the strength to go back inside and love them well.  I would take a minute to see God and feel him with me right there by the azaleas. So, last night I walked to that same spot, and I stared at the sunset, and I thanked God for being with me all through the little years and the middle years.  And, I thanked Him that I can know with certainty that He will be with me during these later years of adult children emerging from my home. He holds my heart. Like Mary I ponder so many memories deep in my heart. My heart is full, my cup overflows. He has been with me and always will be and that is my comfort as the seasons change. Lots of things will be different, but, He and I, we will walk it out together just like we always have.