What Works For Us...

We've been homeschooling for a year now, and I am by no means an expert.  I am always trying to learn from more experienced moms.  But, I thought that today I'd share some of the novice ideas I came up with over the course of our first year.  Every day is different, and I know every year will be different, too.  Some of these things may not work for us next year, but this year they helped! They are the things that made the days run more smoothly and allowed us to have some fun, too!

All of these things really worked for us...  

1.)  Breakfast with Dad ~ Erik eats breakfast with the three older boys before heading off to work.  He even has a theme song he sings while he makes eggs, toast, bagels, cereal, or whatever he decides to make each morning.  He sits with them, reads to them,  prays, and then leaves for work.  I love that the boys start their day with Dad.  (They get enough of me all day long! :-) And, it frees me up to start laundry, look at my calendar, set up the school room, and get ready to start the day!! :-)  

2.)  Prayer List & Scripture Memory ~ After Daddy leaves the boys and I sit together and go over our prayer list. . .

Each of the boys chooses two or three people from the list and prays for them, then I close.  I love the prayer list because it reminds me to pray for those around us who have needs.  It is great accountability!! After we pray I review the boys on our scripture memory.  This year the boys memorized Ephesians 6:10-18.  I thought these were great verses for little boys to memorize!

3.)  Journals ~ I decided to do the journals for several reasons.  The main reason being that I have had a journal since I was old enough to write down thoughts, and I love journals!!!!

For Elijah the journal is simply a place to practice writing letters and to draw.

For JCT the journal is a place to learn to write dates correctly, to learn our address, phone number, and cell phone numbers, to practice writing sentences correctly, and to draw.

I began the year writing sentences for him to copy.  This was fun!!  Many times I surprised them with fun information in their journals.  For example, he might open his journal and find these sentences to copy: "Nana is coming today!  She will be here after lunch.  Today is her birthday.  We will sing to her!"

By the end of the year, I began to give him the freedom to write as he pleased.

I loved watching him grow as a writer this year.  One of the moms at our homeschool co-op has written several books, and now she edits books for a living.  She is my go-to girl for writing advice for the boys.  She suggested the boys have a place to write freely ~ where I did not get out the red pen.  Their journal is this place.

For Joshua the journal is a place to write and draw freely.  I don't give him a topic.  I just let him write freely, and nothing is more fun to me than reading what he writes.

I loved beginning our school day this way every morning! It sort of eased the boys into their work.  They enjoyed the writing and the drawing, and it left me with a book of treasures to keep forever!! :-)

4.)  Mommy's helper ~ Monday is Joshua's day. Tuesday is JCT's day.  Wednesday is Elijah's day, and Thursday is Erik Daniel's day.  They get to wear this around their neck....

My helper helps me make lunch, pass out paper, sort laundry, etc.  The boys all love to be the helper of the day!

5.)  Happy Tokens ~

I came up with this because I wanted a reward system that didn't involve money or candy!  I cut out circles and let the boys draw happy faces on each circle.  This took a while!  We have tons of happy tokens ~ more than we could ever use.  Sharing with a brother or any selfless act is rewarded with a happy token in your cup!  But, happy tokens can be taken away for selfish acts or unkind behavior.  When you have lots of boys, any competition becomes central.  At the end of the week, we would count and see who won!  I haven't kept it up this summer, and I kind of miss it!

6.)  My lesson plan ~ I found this last summer at Donna Young's website.  I used the same plan all year, and I loved it!  I plan each week a week in advance over a cup of coffee.  It is one of my absolute favorite things to do!!  I love sitting down and making our plans.  I had one sheet for Joshua and one for JCT.  This is one of Joshua's plans...

I love checking the box when we have completed our work!!  Ahhh... the feeling of accomplishment.  Also, if we didn't get to something on Tuesday, it reminds me to pick it up and finish it on Wednesday!  I love checklists!!

7.) Check-lists for my boys ~ I love the feeling of checking things off so much that I made checklists for the boys.  I laminated them, and they used dry erase markers to check off the subjects throughout the day each day!  They really, really, really enjoyed this!  If we weren't going to do, for example, art/music and geography, that day, I'd cross it off first thing in the morning.  This way, at the end of the day, their entire list is crossed off!!  Accomplishment!!

Joshua crossed off the title with 2nd grade in it on the last day of school!! Ha! :-)  He thought that it was soooo clever!! :-)

8.)  Thinking cap ~ When this idea came to me, I had no idea if they even made one.  So, I did a google search, and there are tons of "thinking caps"out there!!  This was my favorite!

I used it for the first time last fall when I introduced Joshua to multiplication!  I only pull it out, and pop it on their cute little head when I feel that the lesson is monumental or if they are struggling to grasp a new concept and on the verge of giving up!  It is simply for fun, and I think they enjoy it!!

9.)  Using the big to teach the little ~ I love this!  It makes mama's heart smile when big brother sits patiently and listens to little brother read or does flash cards of phonograms with little brother.  It teaches Joshua to be patient and to teach, and it is also great review for him!  It also helps me so much!  Many times I leave Joshua to read or do flash cards with JCT while I put Eriky to bed.  It is a win-win plan!  JCT, also, helps go over letters and sounds with Elijah!  It trickles down...  God is so sweet!

10.)  Special days ~

Any ordinary day can be a holiday!  Sometimes the special days have to do with what the boys are learning or what is going on around us ~ wild west day when they studied western expansion or jersey day during March Madness. Other times it is whatever strikes us ~ pj day, superhero day, dress up day, crazy hair day, etc.  Joshua loves this, and he has a plethera of ideas.  I think he could fill the calendar with a different special day for every day!! Ha!  I love having children who are all still young enough for this to be fun!!  It just spices things up and makes things a little more interesting!

Also, it is fun to bake them treats to celebrate things like...

And, this day they decorated cupcakes to look like themselves!  Ha!  Can you guess who this is??

Erik Daniel, of course!  He is my only brown eyed baby!! Celebrating simple things can be so much fun!!

11.)  Getting Outdoors ~ We have boys, so this is very important to me.  I want my boys to have memories upon memories of outdoor play.  I want them to remember romping through the woods ~ sometimes they pretend to be nature explorers looking for wild animals and sometimes they play that they are soldiers hiding in the wilderness and fighting the enemy.  I want them to remember hours of bike riding, swimming, and playing sports.  So, we take a nice long recess midday and finish everything in time for them to play for an hour or two before evening activities begin.  I, also, like to take school outside on pretty days (without wind :-)).  Doing school work in the sunshine just makes everybody feel happier.  Plus, this helps occupy the little ones.  They ride on their riding toys, play in the sandbox, or write with sidewalk chalk while the big boys work and that is nice for everyone!

12.)  Fun Lunches ~ About once a month, I enjoyed surprising the boys with lunch from a restaurant!  We'd either bring food in, have a pizza delivered, or drive thru some place quick.  I usually chose to do this on the spur of the moment when we were having a hard day.  Some days are just yucky!! :-( Sometimes the work seems too much or too hard or maybe the little boys are being too loud and distracting and frustrating the big boys...  Whatever the problem, sometimes getting out of the house, driving with windows rolled down, music playing loud, singing at the top of our lungs, and getting Mexican food midday just seems to help everyone ~ especially Mom!!!! :-)  Other days, we try to make lunch fun by taking it outside.  During the spring and fall we eat outside almost every day.  Sometimes we picnic in the grass.  Sometimes we sit at the table on the back porch or our picnic table.  We've eaten lunch in the house part of our swing set, and we've eaten in our tee pee.  As long as we are outside, that is all that matters!

10.)  Afternoon Snack Time ~

The boys and I fell into a routine of quizzing over afternoon snacks.  The little boys napped during this time.  And, I would make my big boys a special treat ~ cookies, popcorn, etc.  I'd pull out my little box of cards and quiz them while they ate.  Somedays I would ask questions and let the boys compete to answer them, and somedays I just bounced from Joshua to JCT ~ asking them questions individually.  The boys seemed to enjoy this time of day, and I really did, too.  It was usually a very relaxed, enjoyable review time!  I used this time to make their learning cumulative.  I didn't want them to forget the first semester definitions, etc. during second semester, so we would keep reviewing them.

Okay, so those are a few of the things we did this year to make the days a little more fun!  If anyone out there has any wonderful ideas to share, I would love, love, love to hear them!!!  Leave a comment or email me!  I'd love to know what you do to make your days work best!!

Two Month Old, Jack!

Jack, you are growing little man!  You are losing your newborn look!!  Now you have a cute little double chin and a round face.  Your cheeks are soft and sweet to kiss.  The boys are getting used to you being here.  They still want to touch and kiss you every waking moment!  But, Erik Daniel does not come up to you, grab your sweet little hand in his, and say, "Glad to meet ya!!  Glad to meet ya!!"anymore.  He used to do this at least 15 times a day. I guess he has finally met you enough times! :-)

And, Lije, well, buddy, Lije is completely taken with you!  You are "his" baby.  When people say, "I can't decide who he looks like??"  Lije helps them out and says, "He looks like me!"  Lije comes up to you periodically throughout the day, grabs your little head in his hands, puts his mouth to your ear, and whispers, "You're the best baby ever, Jack.... the best baby ever!"  

You are so strong and pick your head up so high!!  The boys think you are doing push ups!!  You are taking it all in looking around with wide eyes!  You make sweet sounds, and we love to hear them!  We love you little man!

Joshua has been counting your smiles since your birth.  I think the number is somewhere in the 400's now??  I can't keep up!

You love, love, love to be held when you are awake.  You go to sleep easily when I lay you down and give you your paci.  You have been sleeping all night off and on ~ though I feel sure this will not last!!  That would be too good to be true!  When you do wake up at night, you wake up one time, I feed you, and you go back to sleep.  Life is so much easier now than it was a month ago!!  I'm so thankful!!!

You are a joy, little one!!  I can't wait to know you better and better with each passing day!!  I love you!

Our Miss Megan...

We met her when she was just a little girl, and we watched her grow up right before our eyes.  She always smiled and bounced, a happy little doll, cute as a button.  And, we watched her slowly blossom from cute and fun to beautiful and polished.  My husband, early on, thought so much of her, admired her happy heart.  Erik is a great discerner of people, and he recognized in her a genuiness and inner beauty that is rare.  She has always been a favorite of his.

And, when Joshua (my now 8 year old) was only a few months old, the movie Passion of the Christ came out, and I was desperate to see it.  But, I had virtually never left Joshua with anyone before this time.  When I asked our friend, Mrs. Wendy, to watch him and she couldn't, I panicked!  Who else could I leave him with???

Wendy suggested Megan.

Megan?

But, she was a mere child!!!

And, I was a slightly overprotective first time mom!

Wendy insisted that Meg could do it and I should give her a try.

 I called Erik, and he, of course, thought it was a great idea.  So, I called Megan's sweet mama and asked her opinion.  And, a few hours later Miss Megan bounced up to my backdoor, all smiles, a girl of 13.  And, as I left I thought myself half crazy for leaving my nursed baby with a 13 year old!  Had I lost my mind??

When Erik and I returned home, Meg had Joshua asleep and all his little things neatly stacked just so.  And, we smiled to ourselves, we had found our girl, and then we drove her home...

For the next few years off and on....

we picked her up, and we drove her home.

Then, she learned to drive, my little friend growing up...

Who knew that years later, she'd go off to college and when she came home she'd drop by, pick up a carful of my boys, and take them to get snow cones!

Rich.  There is a richness that comes with the depth of a relationship that has grown over the years as ours has.  As the years have gone by, we've all grown ~ Miss Megan, the boys, but most of all our friendship.  She has become like family to us.  Last year she kept my little guys every Tuesday morning.  And, I grew to look forward to seeing her smiling face each Tuesday almost as much as my boys did!

We've been through a good bit together ~ friends hurting feelings, homecomings, boys, etc. But, what I remember most is how she was there for me when Erik's parents were hospitalized after the accident, ready and willing to give me a break if needed.  And, she cried with me when Erik's mother passed.  I'll never forget the way she felt our pain.

She is truly beautiful, inside and out.

She has earned our affection, our trust, and our love.





It is sort of amusing to me...

She always tells me or writes to me about how she has learned so much from Erik and I over the years.  But, I have learned so much from her!!!  Her positive attitude and genuine love has encouraged my heart and given me hope time and time again.  She is simply good to the core, and we love her so much!



I'll never forget the night she called us with that special lift in her voice...

Philip had asked...

And, she had accepted.

And, in one fell swoop two of my sons lost the love of their lives!!! :-)

But, seriously, we are so happy for her!!

When she called yesterday to let us know that Philip had been drafted by the Minnesota Twins, Joshua immediately wanted to get online and order all sorts of Twins hats, t-shirts, etc.  He's a fan, not so much of the Twins, but of Miss Megan and Mr. Philip.

And, now, Erik and I look forward to watching Meg marry this Saturday night.  Erik doesn't go to many weddings, but this is one he wouldn't miss!

To our Miss Megan...

When we moved here ten years ago, we watched you skip down the aisle on the arm of your little brother to sit with your parents, and then a few years later we watched you giggle down the aisle on the arm of Anna Kate Goodwin to sit with your friends, and now on Saturday we will watch you walk down the aisle on the arm of your sweet Daddy to take your true love's hand.

Watching you grow and blossom through the years has been a joy and a privilege.

We love you, sweet girl.

And, we will always be here for you....

7 of your biggest fans!!

Now, sweet girl, you will not be our Miss Megan anymore...

Now you will be our Mrs. Megan!!!!

Best Wishes!!

May God bless you BIG!!!

Between the trees...

When I sit at the kitchen table and sip coffee, I look out at a backyard full of trees.  But, the trees closest to the house are two crabapple trees.  They are a bit too bushy, and I'm not crazy about the way they look.  But, they are very much loved by my little boys.  Therefore, they are close to my heart.  

Often I tell the boys that they can go outside and play out back "between the trees."  This way, I can sit at the kitchen table, hold the baby, and watch them play.  They chase each other around the trees. They have climbed one of these trees to the point that the back branches of this particular tree lay almost flat.  They play football with each tree being an end zone.  They play soccer with each tree being a goal.  They even play baseball there "between the trees."  But, my favorite thing they play, they can only play this time of year ~ crabapple wars!  They split up in groups, pick apples, and throw them at one another!!!  It is wild fun to them!

I just sit at the window and take it all in...

the laughter... the strategy... my sweet boys hard at play...

One day I will sit at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee and a quiet house.  And, I will look out at those bushy trees and remember all the play that happened around them and in them.  Oh, how many one year olds have I chased around those trees??  How many circle 8's have we run around them??  How many handmade bird feeders have the boys hung on those trees??  We've strung up the branches with cranberries and hung peanut butter and bird seed covered pine cones on them. We've had picnic lunches in their shade and afternoon snacks under their low hanging branches.  They have been such a part of the boys' playtime.  And, it has brought me so much joy to watch the boys play and interact there between the trees ~ their little imaginations running wild!!

So many memories made between the trees...

If Only....

Lately I've heard myself saying the same thing over and over again in my heart.  I say it differently each time, but the meaning, the core, of my statement is the same.  It goes something like this...

When I walk into the laundry room and see masses of clean and dirty clothes, I might say, "If only I could get caught up on my laundry..."

Or, at the end of a long hot day when I'm worn and frazzled and five pairs of eyes all look to me to provide nourishment, "If only I had planned meals for the week..."

When Jack wants to be held every waking moment, "If Jack would just lay in his moses basket for more than 5 minutes..."

When one of my sons argues with me over an instruction that I have given him, "If only he would just do. what. I. say..."

When brothers have a day filled with bickering, disagreements, and hurt feelings, "If they could just get along!!!!"

When I see my baseboards looking disgustingly dirty or my crazily unorganized closet, "If I just had a little extra time..."

So, I started thinking...

According to what I learned in geometry, an "if" statement should be followed by a "then" statement.  So, what is my "then" statement??  It is...

If Jack wouldn't cry, then I could handle it.  If I had a perfect, ready to go, meal plan,  then I could do this.  If the boys wouldn't argue, fuss, and fight, then I could handle this five kid thing.  It would be within my grasp.  I could be in control. I could conquer it.  I'd have this thing... in the bag.  Game over.  I got it.  The big V.

(Reality check: I just think I could handle it if Jack would be content, etc.  I'm only kidding myself!)

The bottom line, what I've come to after thinking about all this for several weeks, is that it is time for me to lay it all down again.  These "if" statements are all indicative of the fact that I have once again put myself in the drivers seat.  I am trying so hard to keep everything within my grasp, everything under my control.

But, to be quite honest, I'm swamped.  My laundry is piled high, my bed hasn't been made in 2 months, my menu plan is not happening, my counters stay cluttered, my boys are on a very weak schedule, and my personal hygiene is not up to par.  More than at any other time in my life,  I feel as if I am in over my head.

And, it isn't just the visible things.

It is the invisible things, too, the things that keep me up at night, the worries, the decisions, the things we wrestle with but we cannot see.  I can't handle those either.  And, as I sit alone in the dark, holding the sweetest infant, the worries come, the negative thoughts knock.  And, once again I realize that I cannot handle this, all of this.  I must lay it down.  I must give my desires, as well as my worries over, lay them at His feet.

Yesterday afternoon I stood in the kitchen and craziness surrounded me.  Erik Daniel was whining at my feet asking over and over for something I had already told him no to.  Elijah was talking incessantly expecting me to hang on his every word.  Joshua and JCT were talking and laughing loudly.  Music was playing, and the tv on.  And, I was at that moment completely overwhelmed.  The noise level was too much, the pulling and tugging on my arms and legs by my 2 and 3 year olds was overstimulating.  My mind was turning and twisting, swirling filled with lists of things to be done before we had to leave for Joshua's baseball game. I was standing still, in a daze, completely paralyzed by all the life happening around me and inside me.  But, then, I looked down at the infant in my arms.

He was looking up at me, pure peace in those baby blue eyes.  And, when our eyes met, he smiled, so big, so gently, so sweetly.  And, his peace overwhelmed me, caught me off guard. I smiled at the contrast between his sweetness and the chaos that surrounded me.  And, I breathed thanks to God for his gift to me in that moment.

As I thought of that moment over and over again later that evening, I thought of how it is very much like my life now.  Life is spinning, sometimes out of control. Life is full and busy and hyper and loud, and I am at least two steps behind at all times. But, God is staring down at me with eyes filled to overflowing with peace for the moment. If only I will stop and gaze at Him, His peace will overwhelm me.  But, I tend to keep my focus on the busyness around me, the to-do lists, the rat race, and all the while He is beckoning me to come, drop my Martha list, drop the facade that I am in control, and just sit at His feet and soak up the peace that passes understanding.  It is time to give up, fall down on my knees, and  lay all that concerns me, all that entangles me, all that strangles my joy, all that weighs me down, all that keeps me running wide open, all that drives me toward perfection, all the lies, worries, and fears ~ lay them all down at His feet and bask in the peace that only He gives.

Reflections...

A year in review, my reflections on my first year teaching my children at home.

How I agonized over the decision.

And, here I sit 10 months later.

They've grown.

I've grown.

But, best of all...

We've grown.

Together

Day in and day out, sunrise to sunset, moment by moment,

Grace upon grace.

Laundry often left undone, baseboards filthy, counters and tables a mess, a rare break for my sanity, my work never completed, my to do lists gathering dust. . .

But, my heart is full.

The nagging of loss is gone and in its place is the fullness of chaos, loud laughter, and uninterrupted activity 24/7!!!

And, when I tucked Joshua in last night, I thanked him for the great privilege of teaching him this year.  I told him how I loved being with him all day everyday, and I thanked him for the sweet memories of this year.

He thanked me for making him cookies. :-)

I told him he was very welcome.  Then, he smiled and told me he loved being homeschooled.

My heart beamed. :-)

This year was not always pretty, and I'd certainly never call it easy.  If I had to use one word to describe this year, it would be "rich."

It's been a year filled with...

visits from Pop and Nana (these become automatic holidays :-)
little boy laughter shaking the walls, rattling the roof
afternoons spent riding bikes, swimming, playing sports, exploring the woods ~ being free to be little boys
evenings and weekends without agenda ~ except soaking up time with Daddy
picnic lunches on pretty days
dinner table conversations about the Cold War, Sitting Bull, Apollo 11, or whatever else we are studying
fresh baked goodies with lots of helpers in the kitchen
enjoying good literature
brothers bonding
having "school" outside and breathing the fresh country air
big brothers reading to and teaching little brothers
the big learning to bend low and serve the small (still very much in process :-)
seeing the beauty in the simple
discovering the love for learning that God put in all of us (mom included!! :-)
waking up, pouring coffee, and listening to Daddy do devotions with his sons
slowing down a bit and savoring sweet time with my boys while they are still young

This year we've had more time, more moments, more memories. . .

The Rest of Jack's Birth Story...

I think I've mentioned this before, but I must say it again.  I like keeping my babies very close to me after they are born.  I think about their little journey from a comfortable place safe, dark, warm, and filled with the familiar sound of Mama's voice and heartbeat to a place that is cold, full of light, where they aren't held so snug, and where the sounds are new and unfamiliar.  And, I just want to hold them close to my chest and talk to them and make sure (if only for my own sake) that they feel safe.  So, even the bassinet beside the bed feels too far away.  While we are in the hospital, I sleep with my new little ones on my chest resting against my skin.  And, we always sleep very well this way ~ both of us.

Knowing all that, you can imagine my absolute sadness when the nurse told me that Jack would have to stay in an isolette in the nursery for 24 hours.  I had just given birth and tried to nurse (and for the first time, my newborn didn't nurse on the first attempt!) and then the nurse tells me he won't be able to room in with me.  I was so sad.

So, so sad.

I kept telling myself that he was healthy, and I should be so thankful!!  But, I just wanted to hold my baby.  And, I couldn't turn off the tears.  They began at that moment and remained most of the day.

A few hours later I was told that he was retracting when he breathed.  Later they told me his respirations were 80+ a minute.  Twice they consulted NICU.  And, thankfully twice NICU didn't think his condition warranted moving him to the NICU.  For two days they kept him on monitors in the nursery.  And, for two days, I heard the sounds of the nurses wheeling bassinets down the hall to all the other mothers while I sat in my room knowing that my baby was. not. coming.  My heart goes out to all the mothers who have ever had to do this.  For years I have taken for granted that when I had a baby I would get to have my baby with me.  Now, my heart hurts in a special way for all the mothers who have babies in the NICU ~ who don't get to go home with their babies.  How hard it must be.

I wore out the hallway walking back and forth at feeding times to the nursery in Erik's button down shirt (to make skin on skin easier), my maternity jeans, and my new purple slippers my parents brought me.  Over and over, day and night, every 3 hours, I walked to the nursery, held my Jack, and tried to get him to nurse with no success.  I had to manually express colostrum for the nurses to feed him via a tube and a syringe.  And, my heart was broken.  I was so thankful that he was healthy, but I was still sad.  I think it was just all so unexpected.  I didn't expect to have him so early, and I didn't expect the experience to be any different from my other births.

I worked with the lactation consultants and was told he may not be able to latch until around the time of his due date.  I had never not nursed a baby, so this was very difficult for me.  Especially after we got home.  Now at feeding times, I had to attempt to nurse him which usually did not work, feed him a bottle, and pump.  Doing this and taking care of 4 children was such a challenge, and doing it at night meant I got very little sleep.  We took a week and a half off of school, laundry was backed up, my house was a mess, and I was exhausted.  But, we kept on keeping on.  And, week by week, life got a little easier. Now, my little man is 6 weeks old, and he is nursing only!!  I still give him a bottle every now just to keep him taking it.

Two, things that this experience has taught me are. . .

#1 A new and very real empathy for mothers of NICU babies as I mentioned before.

#2  Empathy for moms who have trouble nursing.  It is emotionally difficult when your baby won't nurse.  Poor Jack just couldn't latch, and it was obvious that he preferred the bottle.  Call it hormones, but that hurt my feelings a little bit.  I wanted him to want me. Nursing is an emotional thing.  I'm not sure why it is, but it is a very intimate, special gift from God, and when it isn't working and you want it to, it is just plain hard.

But, as always, there were sweet gifts from God even in the hard.  My boys were BIG helpers!!  And, they learned a new skill.  They learned how to feed Jack!!

They took turns and loved every minute of their turn...

Joshua even learned some super skills...

They will be great daddys one day!  My boys love babies, and I'm so proud of them.  Now they beg me to let them feed Jack, but I rarely let them!  I'm making up for lost time ~ enjoying every feeding myself!!

I've never ventured too far out into the world of pumping and bottles, so my counters took on a new appearance with Jack ~ now cluttered with all my pumping accessories!  And, my freezer, oh, dear heavens!  I long for ice cream!  My boys want popsicles!  But, we just don't have room for those

things right now!!! Ha!  The freezer is literally filled with bags of milk!!  I used to buy frozen bags of chicken breasts.  Now I have to buy fresh meat and use it before it goes bad because I have no room to freeze it!!!  I doubt I'll ever use all the milk I've pumped, but I will not throw it away!!!

In retrospect I have learned a good deal over the past month.  I realized about a week or two after Jack was born that I could not do all that I was doing before he was born.  I would have to let some things go. When you have four children, you feel you've already let too much go.  But, I knew I had to let even more go, or I'd fry myself.  I had to let others help me, and that is not always an easy thing to do.  Erik and I put our heads down, and we pressed on, and now things are getting easier, so very much easier!  And, we are now officially done with Excelsior for the summer, and I am winding down the rest of our subjects dropping a little more each week.  And, Jack is such a joy to us!  It has been a different journey this time.  A journey with unexpected turns and unfamiliar twists, but we are so thankful to be here and on this sweet journey with our new little man!

Jack's First Month

 Jack,

You turned one month before your due date!  We didn't expect to have you with us so early, but we are so thankful to have you in our arms healthy and safe.  One day, when we were going to get your weight checked at the Women's Center, I was searching through my purse to find something when I found something I didn't expect!  I was holding you in my arms at the time, and out of my purse I pulled your pregnancy test.  I had put it in my purse (which I rarely carry anywhere) to show your Daddy when I announced to him that God had chosen to give you to us!  What a gift you are, little man!!  So, I had to take a picture of the difference 9 months makes!! Ha!  From a little line on a stick to a sweet baby in blue!  God is so good!  We love you with all our hearts!
I don't know that my boys have ever been so crazy about a baby!  They adore you!  They cannot keep their little hands off you!  I spend most of my day trying to hold and feed you while little hands reach, grab, and pet you!  You get hundreds of kisses everyday from little lips!!

Before you were born, I would spend my Friday mornings, while your brothers were at Excelsior, sitting quietly at Atlanta Bread Company.  I looked forward to the time alone each week.  So peaceful and sweet!  But, the last three weeks I have not been alone!!  I have had a little buddy with me ~ you!!!  And, I have sipped my hot raspberry tea and held you. Good times!  I took the picture to the left on one of our Friday morning dates, sweet boy!
Now, a little about you.  You look sorta like Elijah and sorta like Erik Daniel.  I think your eyes are going to be blue??  And, your hair is most definitely going to be red like your big brothers!  You fit right in little man!  You are nursing like a champ now.  I had to fight for it, but the fighting payed off!  You rarely take a bottle anymore! Your big brothers miss feeding you for me!  You smiled for the first time in the hospital, and you have not stopped since that time!  You are trying to talk ~ lots of sweet little coos.  You are gagging some, not spitting up, but just gagging, and your tummy hurts you some.  I am trying my best to make you as comfortable as I can.  You sleep wonderfully ~ waking once, sometimes twice, during the night.
You are such a gift, and I am thoroughly enjoying being your mom!  I am excited to get to know you better and better each month, each year!  Keep growing, little fifth man!  How special you are!

Jesus Loves Jack. . .

I was straightening up the schoolroom after we finished our morning work when I heard them.  First, I heard little Jack begin to cry in his moses basket, then suddenly he was quiet...

And, his cries were replaced by the sounds of sweet brother angels singing...

Jack's Birth Story!

When I recall this time in my life, there are two things I hope I never forget.  Two things that have played a significant behind the scenes role in the last four months of my life.  The first is Audrey Assad's CD, and the second is Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts.  Audrey's CD has played in my home almost constantly since late December.  So many of her words have spoken what my heart often wants to say.  Hearing her music years from now will bring me back to my Jack's birth and the happy months prior to it.

The week before Jack's birth Erik went with me to my 34 week ob appointment, which because I am 35, included a routine sonogram.  Unfortunately the sonogram showed that my amniotic fluid level was low.  It was still in normal range but was at the bottom end of normal.  My doctor asked that I drink a lot of water over the next week and return for another sonogram at my 35 week appointment.  Now, I have been pregnant four other times, and all had always been normal, so I wasn't really too concerned about this low fluid thing.

I scheduled a prenatal massage (thank you, Deana B) for the hour prior to my 35 week appointment.  So, when I showed up at the doctor's office I was relaxed and peaceful!!  The sun was shining and all was well.  The sonogram went fine, and at the end I asked the tech if my fluid level was okay?  Her answer:

"Well... I'd have to call it low."

So, I went to subwaiting thinking I must be a little lower than last week ~ on the verge of "low" or just at the top end of "low."  I sent a text to my mom and Erik and a few others saying all was well and letting them know that my phone was about to die ~ so not to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while.  I pulled out 1000 Gifts and began reading.  This was my second time through it, and I was just soaking it in ~ reading each word slowly.  Until, my doctor's nurse came to get me.  But, she didn't want to take me to an exam room.  She said the doctor wanted to put me on a monitor for a little while.

What?

As she strapped me to the machine, I finally got up the nerve to ask. . . "Is something wrong?"

She answered, "He'll talk to you about it when he sees you."

That is nurse-speak for, "Yes, something is wrong."

So, I sat there on the monitor, afraid to use my phone because I knew it was about to die at any second.  I didn't feel like reading or watching the TV in front of me.  So, I just stared at the cover of Ann's book and talked to God.  Ann's book is about her wrestle with the Almighty, learning to accept not just the good but the hard things, as well.  As I looked as the sweet picture of robin eggs held in open hands, I held my hands out to God and prayed, "I don't know what this is, but give me the courage and grace to accept what You give with open hands ~ whatever the situation might be."  I think I spent most of that 30 minutes just breathing, slowly, deeply, prayerfully.

My doctor came in and told me that the baby was doing great!  Just what he wanted to see!!  "Oh, goodie!" I thought to myself.  I took a deep breath and relaxed.  But, then he got very serious, looked me in the eyes in a way he never has before in the ten years we've known each other, and said...

"I want you to go to one of the exam rooms and wait for me. We need to have a come to Jesus talk in a few minutes."

What is this about?  I thought the baby was doing great?  So I gave him my "what did you just say look."  And, he answered. . .

"Well, I'm polling my colleagues about what I should do with you, and the first one I asked said I should put you in and take the baby tonight."

What?

Not at all what I expected. Not at all.  So, I took a deep breath and gave him my "what did you just say" look again.  And, he expounded, "Your fluid level is as low as if your water has already broken.  You only have 2 pockets of fluid left, and that isn't enough for the baby."

Oh.

Later, as I sat in one of the exam rooms waiting for my doctor to finish polling the other doctors in his group, I used the last of my battery to call Erik and tell him what the doctor said.  He was as shocked as I was, and I heard him yell down the hall to Sean, "Hey, Brother, we may have a baby tonight!!!"

So, I spent the next hour or so driving around waiting for Erik.  And, Erik spent the hour getting our stuff together at home and driving to me.  We met in a parking lot.  It was night by this time, dark, and I was scared, shaking.  I got in my car and followed him to the hospital.  I don't think I'll ever forget that drive.  I didn't want to have a baby that night.  I love being pregnant, and I wasn't ready to not be.  It most likely will never happen again, and I wanted to savor my last few weeks of feeling the baby move inside me.  I was tired.  I didn't feel up to laboring all night ~ especially not laboring with Pitocin.  But, I did my best to hold my hands open to Him.  And, as I drove staring at those familiar tail lights shining in front of me, I prayed and listened to Audrey sing "Restless."  And, I did my best to listen to her words and to rest in the peace they offered.  I took deep breaths.  It was all so confusing.  What were we doing?  What was happening?  I was supposed to be home putting my boys to bed.

We got to the hospital and a sweet friend of ours was the nurse manager that night, and she so kindly labored with me along with a sweet red-headed RN who looked more like she should have been in a Jane Austen book rather than in scrubs placing my IV.

We had a great turn out for our little labor party!  (My mom always says my labors are more like a party than labor!).  My mom made it in time as did my sweet friend Sara who drove from Nashville.  And, of course, my sister-woman, Deana B was there with camera in hand!  But, this labor was not a party.  NO, sir.  Pitocin crashed my sweet labor party.  I didn't have much fun.  I was quite unhappy.  All my sweet friends just lined up with their backs against the wall afraid to speak to me!  Ha!

The room was full of people, but as far as I was concerned there was only one other person there.

My Erik.

We've done this labor thing a few times.  He is my husband, my doctor, and my best friend.  Yes, I have a doctor, but Erik labors with me, and he delivers our sweet boys into this world.  And, he does it so sweetly, so gently, so perfectly.  What a wonderful welcome the boys get ~ their Daddy's strong hands right there to catch their sweet naked little bodies.  Erik and I are a team, and I love it.  He knows me like no one else.  And, when I told him after a couple hours of Pitocin, that I wanted an epidural ~ that I just couldn't do it any longer.  He looked me in the eyes and said, "No, you don't.  You don't want an epidural. You'll be mad at yourself tomorrow.  I know you. You don't mean it.  I know you better than you know yourself. You can do this, Erin.  You. can. do. this."  And, I looked him in the eyes and said...

"I'm so mad at you!!!!"

And, I meant it with every fiber of my being.  I. meant. it.  I was mad, fighting mad.  If only the pain hadn't been so bad, I'd have told him all the awful things that I was thinking.  But, thankfully, I was hurting so badly that all I could do was bite my tongue and keep on keeping on.

He is strength and courage for me when I don't have the will to muster it up myself.  When I labor his attention is fixed on me, fiercely fixed.  He looks through me when I am pushing.  He tells me how to push and how close I am to delivering.  I learned a long time ago how to read Erik's cues, and I know when the baby is really close.  Everyone else can say, "I see the head, and it is right there. One more push, and he'll be here."  But, I don't believe it until I hear Erik say it.  I take my cues from him.  When I am in that bed, pushing, there is one face I see, standing right in front of me.  There is one voice I listen for, and it is his.  He has my trust.  He is my leader and my love, and I am so thankful for these memories.

Jack came very quickly and very easily at the end, a wee little thing, he popped right out into Daddy's hands!  Erik says he gets more emotional each time!  And, this little man had a knot in his cord.  My doctor called it a "true knot" whatever that means!  It is a scary sight to see ~ your cord all tangled like that.  After a few moments, Erik put Jack on my chest, and I fell in love again. :-)  Then they took that sweet vernix covered love of mine and cleaned him, wrapped him, and gave him back to me to love.  He smelled that freshly born scent that I love.  He was a sweet little bundle, and I held him close.  Sweet Jack here with us 5 weeks early, our biggest surprise yet and born on April Fools Day, too!!!

The Dry Days. . .

I'm tired.


It has been a month, and everyone tells me sweet and wonderful things...

"You're amazing!"
"I don't know how you do it!"
"You don't look like you've just had a baby!"
"I think you must be made to have children!"

And, some days I feel it.  I feel amazing and energetic and full of life and all that He offers me through it.

But, today I'm tired.  I feel worn.  Tears are just a few blinks away.

God is so good, and I am so tired.

He is still good when I am tired.

He is so very good when I feel worn, ragged, old, and grumpy.

His grace is enough for days when I just can't do it.

His grace fills me when my cup is empty.

And, in these times when I am tired, worn, and much too hard on myself, it is then that He reminds me that He is all I need.

I need to catch my breath...

And, He is my Breath, my Life, the only Thing that fills my cup on the dry days...

and the long nights...

When I sit on that couch holding my sweet infant and the sun is still tucked far away, I can know that I am not alone and...

He is enough, more than enough.

Only He can make dry days bloom beauty and joy and peace amidst the tired, the weak, and the overwhelmed!

Because one thing is for sure, when you have five kiddos and you are tired, weary, and worn, life does not stop for you!!  So, press on!!  If only they would wear the same clothes for a week and let me get caught up on laundry!  Ha!

Pictures from April. . .

I love to be outdoors in spring.  The yard, the woods, they come alive in spring ~ all the colors and smells.  I could breath honeysuckle all year long!! :-)

He appears to be so worried. It is hard to be a baby, so, so hard!! :-)

Best friends.

Sweetness.

Precious.

Fresh air.

 Beauty.

 Love.

My Jack.

He is strength for this weary mama, and His grace, thankfully, fills my gaps.  

I am so thankful.

O, my Strength, I sing praise to you;

You, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

Psalm 59:17