The Rest of Jack's Birth Story...

I think I've mentioned this before, but I must say it again.  I like keeping my babies very close to me after they are born.  I think about their little journey from a comfortable place safe, dark, warm, and filled with the familiar sound of Mama's voice and heartbeat to a place that is cold, full of light, where they aren't held so snug, and where the sounds are new and unfamiliar.  And, I just want to hold them close to my chest and talk to them and make sure (if only for my own sake) that they feel safe.  So, even the bassinet beside the bed feels too far away.  While we are in the hospital, I sleep with my new little ones on my chest resting against my skin.  And, we always sleep very well this way ~ both of us.

Knowing all that, you can imagine my absolute sadness when the nurse told me that Jack would have to stay in an isolette in the nursery for 24 hours.  I had just given birth and tried to nurse (and for the first time, my newborn didn't nurse on the first attempt!) and then the nurse tells me he won't be able to room in with me.  I was so sad.

So, so sad.

I kept telling myself that he was healthy, and I should be so thankful!!  But, I just wanted to hold my baby.  And, I couldn't turn off the tears.  They began at that moment and remained most of the day.

A few hours later I was told that he was retracting when he breathed.  Later they told me his respirations were 80+ a minute.  Twice they consulted NICU.  And, thankfully twice NICU didn't think his condition warranted moving him to the NICU.  For two days they kept him on monitors in the nursery.  And, for two days, I heard the sounds of the nurses wheeling bassinets down the hall to all the other mothers while I sat in my room knowing that my baby was. not. coming.  My heart goes out to all the mothers who have ever had to do this.  For years I have taken for granted that when I had a baby I would get to have my baby with me.  Now, my heart hurts in a special way for all the mothers who have babies in the NICU ~ who don't get to go home with their babies.  How hard it must be.

I wore out the hallway walking back and forth at feeding times to the nursery in Erik's button down shirt (to make skin on skin easier), my maternity jeans, and my new purple slippers my parents brought me.  Over and over, day and night, every 3 hours, I walked to the nursery, held my Jack, and tried to get him to nurse with no success.  I had to manually express colostrum for the nurses to feed him via a tube and a syringe.  And, my heart was broken.  I was so thankful that he was healthy, but I was still sad.  I think it was just all so unexpected.  I didn't expect to have him so early, and I didn't expect the experience to be any different from my other births.

I worked with the lactation consultants and was told he may not be able to latch until around the time of his due date.  I had never not nursed a baby, so this was very difficult for me.  Especially after we got home.  Now at feeding times, I had to attempt to nurse him which usually did not work, feed him a bottle, and pump.  Doing this and taking care of 4 children was such a challenge, and doing it at night meant I got very little sleep.  We took a week and a half off of school, laundry was backed up, my house was a mess, and I was exhausted.  But, we kept on keeping on.  And, week by week, life got a little easier. Now, my little man is 6 weeks old, and he is nursing only!!  I still give him a bottle every now just to keep him taking it.

Two, things that this experience has taught me are. . .

#1 A new and very real empathy for mothers of NICU babies as I mentioned before.

#2  Empathy for moms who have trouble nursing.  It is emotionally difficult when your baby won't nurse.  Poor Jack just couldn't latch, and it was obvious that he preferred the bottle.  Call it hormones, but that hurt my feelings a little bit.  I wanted him to want me. Nursing is an emotional thing.  I'm not sure why it is, but it is a very intimate, special gift from God, and when it isn't working and you want it to, it is just plain hard.

But, as always, there were sweet gifts from God even in the hard.  My boys were BIG helpers!!  And, they learned a new skill.  They learned how to feed Jack!!

They took turns and loved every minute of their turn...

Joshua even learned some super skills...

They will be great daddys one day!  My boys love babies, and I'm so proud of them.  Now they beg me to let them feed Jack, but I rarely let them!  I'm making up for lost time ~ enjoying every feeding myself!!

I've never ventured too far out into the world of pumping and bottles, so my counters took on a new appearance with Jack ~ now cluttered with all my pumping accessories!  And, my freezer, oh, dear heavens!  I long for ice cream!  My boys want popsicles!  But, we just don't have room for those

things right now!!! Ha!  The freezer is literally filled with bags of milk!!  I used to buy frozen bags of chicken breasts.  Now I have to buy fresh meat and use it before it goes bad because I have no room to freeze it!!!  I doubt I'll ever use all the milk I've pumped, but I will not throw it away!!!

In retrospect I have learned a good deal over the past month.  I realized about a week or two after Jack was born that I could not do all that I was doing before he was born.  I would have to let some things go. When you have four children, you feel you've already let too much go.  But, I knew I had to let even more go, or I'd fry myself.  I had to let others help me, and that is not always an easy thing to do.  Erik and I put our heads down, and we pressed on, and now things are getting easier, so very much easier!  And, we are now officially done with Excelsior for the summer, and I am winding down the rest of our subjects dropping a little more each week.  And, Jack is such a joy to us!  It has been a different journey this time.  A journey with unexpected turns and unfamiliar twists, but we are so thankful to be here and on this sweet journey with our new little man!

Jesus Loves Jack. . .

I was straightening up the schoolroom after we finished our morning work when I heard them.  First, I heard little Jack begin to cry in his moses basket, then suddenly he was quiet...

And, his cries were replaced by the sounds of sweet brother angels singing...

Jack's Birth Story!

When I recall this time in my life, there are two things I hope I never forget.  Two things that have played a significant behind the scenes role in the last four months of my life.  The first is Audrey Assad's CD, and the second is Ann Voskamp's book, 1000 Gifts.  Audrey's CD has played in my home almost constantly since late December.  So many of her words have spoken what my heart often wants to say.  Hearing her music years from now will bring me back to my Jack's birth and the happy months prior to it.

The week before Jack's birth Erik went with me to my 34 week ob appointment, which because I am 35, included a routine sonogram.  Unfortunately the sonogram showed that my amniotic fluid level was low.  It was still in normal range but was at the bottom end of normal.  My doctor asked that I drink a lot of water over the next week and return for another sonogram at my 35 week appointment.  Now, I have been pregnant four other times, and all had always been normal, so I wasn't really too concerned about this low fluid thing.

I scheduled a prenatal massage (thank you, Deana B) for the hour prior to my 35 week appointment.  So, when I showed up at the doctor's office I was relaxed and peaceful!!  The sun was shining and all was well.  The sonogram went fine, and at the end I asked the tech if my fluid level was okay?  Her answer:

"Well... I'd have to call it low."

So, I went to subwaiting thinking I must be a little lower than last week ~ on the verge of "low" or just at the top end of "low."  I sent a text to my mom and Erik and a few others saying all was well and letting them know that my phone was about to die ~ so not to worry if they didn't hear from me for a while.  I pulled out 1000 Gifts and began reading.  This was my second time through it, and I was just soaking it in ~ reading each word slowly.  Until, my doctor's nurse came to get me.  But, she didn't want to take me to an exam room.  She said the doctor wanted to put me on a monitor for a little while.

What?

As she strapped me to the machine, I finally got up the nerve to ask. . . "Is something wrong?"

She answered, "He'll talk to you about it when he sees you."

That is nurse-speak for, "Yes, something is wrong."

So, I sat there on the monitor, afraid to use my phone because I knew it was about to die at any second.  I didn't feel like reading or watching the TV in front of me.  So, I just stared at the cover of Ann's book and talked to God.  Ann's book is about her wrestle with the Almighty, learning to accept not just the good but the hard things, as well.  As I looked as the sweet picture of robin eggs held in open hands, I held my hands out to God and prayed, "I don't know what this is, but give me the courage and grace to accept what You give with open hands ~ whatever the situation might be."  I think I spent most of that 30 minutes just breathing, slowly, deeply, prayerfully.

My doctor came in and told me that the baby was doing great!  Just what he wanted to see!!  "Oh, goodie!" I thought to myself.  I took a deep breath and relaxed.  But, then he got very serious, looked me in the eyes in a way he never has before in the ten years we've known each other, and said...

"I want you to go to one of the exam rooms and wait for me. We need to have a come to Jesus talk in a few minutes."

What is this about?  I thought the baby was doing great?  So I gave him my "what did you just say look."  And, he answered. . .

"Well, I'm polling my colleagues about what I should do with you, and the first one I asked said I should put you in and take the baby tonight."

What?

Not at all what I expected. Not at all.  So, I took a deep breath and gave him my "what did you just say" look again.  And, he expounded, "Your fluid level is as low as if your water has already broken.  You only have 2 pockets of fluid left, and that isn't enough for the baby."

Oh.

Later, as I sat in one of the exam rooms waiting for my doctor to finish polling the other doctors in his group, I used the last of my battery to call Erik and tell him what the doctor said.  He was as shocked as I was, and I heard him yell down the hall to Sean, "Hey, Brother, we may have a baby tonight!!!"

So, I spent the next hour or so driving around waiting for Erik.  And, Erik spent the hour getting our stuff together at home and driving to me.  We met in a parking lot.  It was night by this time, dark, and I was scared, shaking.  I got in my car and followed him to the hospital.  I don't think I'll ever forget that drive.  I didn't want to have a baby that night.  I love being pregnant, and I wasn't ready to not be.  It most likely will never happen again, and I wanted to savor my last few weeks of feeling the baby move inside me.  I was tired.  I didn't feel up to laboring all night ~ especially not laboring with Pitocin.  But, I did my best to hold my hands open to Him.  And, as I drove staring at those familiar tail lights shining in front of me, I prayed and listened to Audrey sing "Restless."  And, I did my best to listen to her words and to rest in the peace they offered.  I took deep breaths.  It was all so confusing.  What were we doing?  What was happening?  I was supposed to be home putting my boys to bed.

We got to the hospital and a sweet friend of ours was the nurse manager that night, and she so kindly labored with me along with a sweet red-headed RN who looked more like she should have been in a Jane Austen book rather than in scrubs placing my IV.

We had a great turn out for our little labor party!  (My mom always says my labors are more like a party than labor!).  My mom made it in time as did my sweet friend Sara who drove from Nashville.  And, of course, my sister-woman, Deana B was there with camera in hand!  But, this labor was not a party.  NO, sir.  Pitocin crashed my sweet labor party.  I didn't have much fun.  I was quite unhappy.  All my sweet friends just lined up with their backs against the wall afraid to speak to me!  Ha!

The room was full of people, but as far as I was concerned there was only one other person there.

My Erik.

We've done this labor thing a few times.  He is my husband, my doctor, and my best friend.  Yes, I have a doctor, but Erik labors with me, and he delivers our sweet boys into this world.  And, he does it so sweetly, so gently, so perfectly.  What a wonderful welcome the boys get ~ their Daddy's strong hands right there to catch their sweet naked little bodies.  Erik and I are a team, and I love it.  He knows me like no one else.  And, when I told him after a couple hours of Pitocin, that I wanted an epidural ~ that I just couldn't do it any longer.  He looked me in the eyes and said, "No, you don't.  You don't want an epidural. You'll be mad at yourself tomorrow.  I know you. You don't mean it.  I know you better than you know yourself. You can do this, Erin.  You. can. do. this."  And, I looked him in the eyes and said...

"I'm so mad at you!!!!"

And, I meant it with every fiber of my being.  I. meant. it.  I was mad, fighting mad.  If only the pain hadn't been so bad, I'd have told him all the awful things that I was thinking.  But, thankfully, I was hurting so badly that all I could do was bite my tongue and keep on keeping on.

He is strength and courage for me when I don't have the will to muster it up myself.  When I labor his attention is fixed on me, fiercely fixed.  He looks through me when I am pushing.  He tells me how to push and how close I am to delivering.  I learned a long time ago how to read Erik's cues, and I know when the baby is really close.  Everyone else can say, "I see the head, and it is right there. One more push, and he'll be here."  But, I don't believe it until I hear Erik say it.  I take my cues from him.  When I am in that bed, pushing, there is one face I see, standing right in front of me.  There is one voice I listen for, and it is his.  He has my trust.  He is my leader and my love, and I am so thankful for these memories.

Jack came very quickly and very easily at the end, a wee little thing, he popped right out into Daddy's hands!  Erik says he gets more emotional each time!  And, this little man had a knot in his cord.  My doctor called it a "true knot" whatever that means!  It is a scary sight to see ~ your cord all tangled like that.  After a few moments, Erik put Jack on my chest, and I fell in love again. :-)  Then they took that sweet vernix covered love of mine and cleaned him, wrapped him, and gave him back to me to love.  He smelled that freshly born scent that I love.  He was a sweet little bundle, and I held him close.  Sweet Jack here with us 5 weeks early, our biggest surprise yet and born on April Fools Day, too!!!

Giving Birth to Life

I watched a handful of women labor during my nursing school labor and delivery rotation.

But, I only remember one of them.

She gave birth completely naturally, and her birthing experience changed me somewhere deep inside.  I remember going back to my dorm room and rereading the verses in Genesis where God handed out this curse.  I pondered it all, replaying her experience over and over in my mind and solidifying my desire to one day give birth naturally.

Without medications to numb the pain, I wanted to feel it, to know it in its entirety.

I watched this woman filled with pain, agony, actually. She yelled out, said she wanted to quit, wanted out, but there was no way out.  And, then as the pain escalated, her cries at their peak. . .

the baby came. . .

And, the room full of pain and tension instantly gave birth to peace and joy.

Husband relaxed and cried and rejoiced.

Worn completely to the end of herself, the mother's pained expression turned instantly to a face beaming with beauty and love.

I was drawn to something in that room.  It wouldn't let me go.  For weeks I thought of her ~ the beauty I had witnessed in that delivery room.  I longed to one day experience it for myself ~ to birth beauty from agony.  To give all of myself so that another could live ~ to feel it deeply, fully, to hold nothing back.

As God allowed me to experience this all over again one more time just a few weeks ago, I was taken back to the first time I witnessed it as a young student standing with my back to the wall fighting tears.

And, as Easter is upon us, I began to wonder. . .

Maybe that is why I am so drawn to this experience?  Doesn't everything point to Him?  To the One Who gave His all for us?

To the One Who walked that angry hill for you and for me. . .

To the One Who so beautifully suffered excruciating pain, agony unimaginable. . .

To the One Who gave Himself over fully...

To the One Who held nothing back. . .

To the One Whose pain birthed Life for us Who are in Him. . .

He Who suffered greatly, suffered to give us Life. . .

To me, it is such a picture of what Jesus did for me, and therein lies the beauty.

When I finished giving birth to Jack, my young curly, red-headed nurse came back into my room after the doctor and other nurses had left, and looked me in the eyes saying,  "That was so pretty.  You've inspired me."  And, I thought to myself, "It wasn't me."

We are all drawn to Him, to His love.  He is all around us, in our daily experiences ~ if we will open our eyes and see all of life pointing to Him, to the cross, to life and love abundant.

And, I thank Him today as we celebrate the day of His agony.  I thank Him that the pain was not in vain, but gave birth to big, beautiful, abundant LIFE.

A Warm Welcome. . .

I've been a wee bit busy lately. . .

With a wee bitty blessing. . .

Straight from God and into our lives. . .

5 weeks early. . .

A warm welcome to our sweet baby. . .

John Andrew Chapel

"Jack"

Born on April 1, 2011

at 4:17 a.m.

6 pounds, 11 ounces 

18 inches

We can't wait to get to know you, little man!!!  We love you so much!!