Scribble Scrabble

I can't seem to forgive myself for something. I've lost something, or, to be honest, thrown away something, and I cannot get it back. Ever. It is so silly, but to me it means so much.

I can't remember the date, but I know it was early in the fall because Joshua was sitting at the bar doing homework. And, they quit sending the kindergartners home with homework in September due to a paper conservation effort. (Yay for us!:-)) Anyway, JCT was sitting beside his big brother. Joshua was doing a writing assignment with a #2 pencil, so I gave JCT a pencil to doodle with and a piece of white paper. There they sat working feverishly while I made dinner glancing at Joshua's work every now and then. JCT was doing what we at our home call "scribble scrabble" ~ just wild scribbling. But, all of the sudden he stopped and proudly held his paper up for me to see. "Look, Mama!" I glanced up, saw some scribble scrabble, and said, "Yes, very nice," and continued on with my dinner preps. But, he was insistent, "No, Mama! Look! J. . .C. . .T!! I wrote my name!"

Now that got my attention, so I stopped what I was doing and took his sweet little paper in my hands. And, sure enough scattered amongst the scribble was a J. . . a backwards C. . . and a T. I squealed and jumped up and down! I had not taught him how to make those letters, or any letters for that matter. With Joshua I started working on all that very early, but with JCT my hands had been full, and I let all that slide a bit. But, watching his big brother, he figured it out himself. I dated the paper, and stuck it in my drawer. . .

Then, last night I went to a Southern Living party at a friend's house, and I told JCT's story in response to a question a friend asked me. I had completely forgotten about the incident until my sweet friend asked me about JCT's writing ability.

So, when I got home, I immediately began searching for the paper. I could see it in my head, and my hands desperately wanted to hold it. I looked through my drawer. . . not there. I looked through my scrapbooking armoire. . . not there. I looked through the papers in the utility room. . . not there. I looked through the bin of his preschool work. . . not there. I looked through a little box of Joshua's artwork ~ just in case I stuck it in there. . . millions of Joshua's 3 year old drawings of Bob and Larry but no J. . .C. . .T. Erik could sense that I was getting increasingly panicky, so he started helping me search. But, there was nothing that anyone could do. It was gone. Most likely, months ago I looked at the precious paper, saw only the scribble scrabble, and threw it in the trash. A memory ~ now gone forever. I was crushed. . .

I can't believe that in my neurotic need to throw away paper and clutter I threw away my baby's special paper. I think I was so upset partly because I lost his special paper, and partly because in some way it symbolizes him to me. And, I felt that I had cheated him, slighted him, let him down. I wanted to run upstairs and hold him and tell him that I love him and kiss him and hug him and push the hair out of his eyes and make him look at me and tell his sweet green eyes that I treasure him, really I do, even if I don't have 6,000 of his drawings safely kept like I do his big brother's. My heart hurt. Badly.

I thought about having him do it again, but I would know the truth. As I searched frantically for his paper, I did find this one from the middle of the school year, and I guess it will have to suffice. . .

At least his "C" is still backward. I thought I'd never get the darling boy to make his "C" the right way! But, last night as I was searching desperately, I would have done just about anything to see one of those silly backward C's that I worked so hard to correct. I'm just thankful that I found this one even if it isn't "the one."

So, if it is possible for this guilt-ridden mama to take something, anything, positive away from this situation, then this is it. . .

Keep it. If there is a question in my mind, I'll choose to keep it. And, I am going to Wal-Mart very soon to buy four large notebooks and plastic page protectors, and I am going to begin putting papers in them faithfully. My boys love to color, and they always have a story to tell that goes along with their picture. I want to be faithful to write down those stories and keep those sweet papers. I always imagine myself old and gray looking back at all those precious memories with a little tear in my eye and a heart full of praise to the sweet God who gave these little ones to me. I am so thankful to be a part of their lives.

And, I guess, I should, as well, take away from this one other challenge. And that is the challenge to slow down and take my sweet time. If I had not been in such a frantic hurry (a state I live a lot of my life in), then I would have noticed the J. . .backward C. . . T on the paper instead of just noticing the scribble scrabble. Every now and then I need a little reminder to slow down and breathe. Another lesson for me to live in the moment instead of always being a hurry to get to the next thing on my to do list.