Fickle

I'm fickle.

I cannot deny it.  I've always been fickle.

It all depends on the weather.  I'm not liking someone so much, then they do something halfway nice ~ instant forgiveness and friends again!  Horrible, rotten, no good, very bad day, then I get a happy from Amazon in the mail, and it is the best day ever!!!!!!

But, you know what?

There is one thing I've never been fickle about, one decision I made that I never questioned.

It all began at a fifth quarter when I met a young man in an Alabama cap.  He carried a little tiny Bible that he called his pocketknife.  And, after spending very little time together, I took a walk with God to discuss this young southern gentleman who was taking up residence in my thoughts.

I remember it like it was yesterday, beautiful sunny spring day, and I was walking alone to class with a little bounce in my step.  I was smitten.  So, I smiled up to the clear blue sky, and said...

"Lord, I really like Erik....

but I like You more!"

And, then my heart giggled for a second, but quickly grew quiet before my first love Who up until this time had not had any competition for my heart.  Oh, but my heart was wholly His and still is!  The beauty of the three strands!  I quieted my joy, and continued my conversation with this... "Lord, today I want to lay all 6 foot 7 inches of Erik on the altar.  He is yours, as am I.  I want what you want, not what I want, nothing more or less. I will not arouse or awaken love until You so desire it."  The last part is a verse from Song of Solomon that Erik and I claimed throughout our dating relationship.

We were always friends.  We really weren't boyfriend/girlfriend until we were engaged.  I never really knew what was coming next.  God just asked me to trust Him, to trust Erik, to wait, to be patient, to not press Erik for answers, but simply to trust.  Those were 2 good, but difficult years. I could write a book about the lessons Jesus taught me as I walked through those days of uncertainty clinging to Him, not Erik, loving Him first, then Erik. Trusting. Erik never wanted us to become confused in our relationship by making it too romantic, and he was committed to presenting his bride pure.  So, we were friends ~ friends who kissed on occasion! :-)

Few things in my life have I been more sure of than this.  I decided that spring day that I would wait.  And, wait, I did.  I never looked back.  I was never fickle when it came to my Erik.  My soul loved his soul, and his soul was worth waiting a thousand years for.  There would be no other.  How could I date another after knowing him.  I had found the one that my soul loved, and I never looked back, never questioned, never wanted any more or less.  I saw Jesus in him, and I was drawn to Him in him.

On the one year anniversary of our marriage, after living one complete year beside him, after being loved and served by him, cared for and protected by him, nurtured and respected by him, I sat across a dimly lit table, stared deep into his soul, and said these words that I had thought of mid year and rehearsed over and over again waiting for God to give me the right moment to say them....

"I have learned more about Christ's love from living one year with you then I have in all the years before."

And, isn't that the Biblical picture of marriage.  Christ laying down His life for the church.  The husband the leader, the Earthly picture of Christ.

He had washed my feet, literally, time and again, day in and day out.  Like a little flower, I had blossomed in the rich soil of his love.

Life is hard.  It can be cold, bitter winds will blow.  Relationships can be confusing.

But, God made love as an earthly refuge from these things, and Erik has always been that for me. Our love has always been simple and sweet.  Just easy.

I never have to wonder if he means what he says.

I know.

I never have to wonder if he will rescue me when I am in need.

He will be there.

Easy like Sunday morning.  No trying to figure out how to read between the lines and what did that mean?  Just simple, easy. Just love.  We aren't overly affectionate in public.  I don't need moonlit dances or romantic dinners and vacations.  I don't have a lot of expectations but neither does he.

Easy.

A simple kiss goodbye.  A knowing glance from across a crowded room.  A smile.  A shoulder squeeze during a church service. Long familiar fingers reaching for my hand to send secret messages to me through special handholdings that mean sacred things.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all this.  I'm just thankful, and it hit me the other day that I wanted to tell my sweet love, how thankful I am.  Thankful for every kiss, every hand squeeze in the middle of the night, every "I love you," every time I wake up and find the dishwasher unloaded or the laundry folded, every time you start my car and back it out for me when I'm running late on Friday mornings, every sweet random text you send for no reason except to say how you love me, how thankful you are for us, every little everything you do.  I'll never deserve you, but I'll always love you.

You may kid me about my fickleness, but you must know that I have never, never ever, been fickle about you.