Furious Love

Contrary to popular belief Erik Daniel Manning was not named after Peyton or Eli Manning.  Living in the south, this simple fact is often greatly mistaken.  Erik Daniel Manning is named after a less famous Manning, a more humble, quiet Manning.  Brennan Manning.  In his book The Furious Longing of God, Brennan introduces himself this way...

"I'm Brennan.  I'm an alcoholic. How I got there, why left there, why I went back, is the story of my life.  But, it is not the whole story.  I'm Brennan.  I'm Catholic. How I got there, why I left there, why I went back, is also the story of my life.  But it is not the whole story.  I'm Brennan.  I was a priest, but am no longer a priest.  I was a married man but am no longer a married man.  How I got those places, why I left those places, is the story of my life too.  But it is not the whole story.  I'm Brennan.  I'm a sinner, saved by grace. That is the larger and more important story.  Only God, in His fury, knows the whole of it."

I had a bad day yesterday.  I was not the mother that I should have been.  I was selfish, self-focused, tired, and frustrated.  The day was a mess from start to finish.  It was so bad that I couldn't start it over, fresh, no matter how hard I tried. And, I tried all day.

Oh, and for those of you who think I'm a wonderful mother, who so sweetly tell me that I inspire you, I have to be completely honest with you...

I pulled my son's hair yesterday.

I did.  I'm not proud of it.  I'm not promoting it.  Just being real.  Elijah pulled my hair accidentally while showing me something.  He took a handful of strands of my hair with him.  It hurt.  I screamed.  I may have over-reacted.  But, as I said earlier I was not in the best of moods yesterday, and I think I saw it as an opportunity to let out some of my frustration.  So, I reacted... overly.  Then, Joshua let me know about it.  He went on and on and on and on about how it really didn't hurt me that badly, how he had endured far worse than that and not reacted in such a way as that, and on and on....  I listened for a few minutes to his little speech, and then ever so quietly, ever so discreetly, I reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair and gave it a little tug.

Cringe.

I think I shocked him.  He was stunned.  floored.  And, I was, too!!  In fact, I was so taken aback at my own sin that I didn't know what to say.  After I gathered myself, I asked his forgiveness, told him what I had done was totally wrong.  Being the sweet thing that he is, he smiled, even chuckled, and forgave his sin-filled mama.

But, that was my day in a nutshell.  When Erik and I sat in bed later that night, I confessed my sins aloud to him.  I confessed my insecurities, the fears that I have been struggling with lately, I opened my heart up, and then I changed the subject.... or so I thought....  I began to tell him about the book I've been reading by Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God.  I reminded him that when Rich Mullins first heard Brennan Manning speak on the love of God, on a tape in his truck, he had to pull his truck over because he was crying so hard that he could not see to drive.  Then, I began to tell him about how in the book Brennan talks about how we can't preform enough for God to love us, we can't earn His love....

And, I couldn't even get the sentence out, the dam broke, the tears fell, and I couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried.  Because no matter how old I get, no matter how much life I live, I still struggle with the same thing!!  Laying down as I am before God and accepting the fact that He loves me where I am today.  I still want to be good enough.  I still want to arrive.  And, though my heart knows it is impossible, my will still wants to try.  And, yesterday, in my mind, I had totally failed Him.  I had not been the mom that I should have been.  And, thus, the tears fell as once again I realized that I am loved even when I am so completely, wholeheartedly, undeniably unlovely.  How deep His love and grace  beyond what we can imagine or fathom!

Several years ago God gave me a little personal revelation that still today makes some people cringe when I share it.  And, this is it... He is not so concerned with my perfection.  Not that He wants me to live in sin.  He doesn't, and I think that is why the statement is so easily confused.  I am interested in perfecting myself, in using Christianity to better who I am.  I am interested in being good, in being perfect. But, He is interested in me, just as I am, in relating to me, in being intimately connected to my heart.  He knows I will never be perfect, and He shows me more grace than I'll ever show myself.  That is why He can call an adulterer/murderer a man after His own heart.  Where we as humans may not have shown David nearly as much grace.  And, that is why I can believe that He loves me even when my insecurity, my sinful nature, and my daily failings tell me that I am unworthy, unlovable.

And, so it all comes down to His love for us ~ the backbone of our faith.  Love.  Unconditional.  Undying.  Never ending.  Love.  He loved us, so we can love others.

I sat down at my computer this morning and scanned Youtube for films of Brennan Manning.  Ironically Erik Daniel crawled up into my lap and watched video after video with me.  Here is one that spoke to my heart.



How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure!  May you dwell richly in the fact that today, right now, you are loved with an everlasting, undying, furious love, no matter what sins you have committed, no matter how insecure or unlovely you feel.  Today and always His love rests on you, so.... what is stopping you???  Believe it, and live like you do!