My Little Love. . .

We may just have a little soccer player on our hands this time around!  You can kick, little one!  You can kick with the best of them!  Whoa, Mama!  But, I can tell you are a sweetheart.  I can just tell.  But, you like to move around a lot.  I'm having visions of me bundling you up nice and tight like a cute little snug bug, and five minutes later I'm going to turn around and your blankets will all be loosed around you!  You will kick yourself free!  We will see, but that is what my gut is telling me!

My fifth child, my fifth baby, my fifth love, I'm crazy about you!  Somedays I get overwhelmed at the thought!  One more child!  One more who will need me!  How will it work?  How will we do it?  Will I be able to give you all that you need?  These worries overtake me at times.

But, I know the One Who knit you together in my womb.  I know the One Who determined that you would, in fact, be.  I know the One Who knows you, Who loves you, Who has entrusted me with your little life.  And, I know that He knows.  He knows what you need.  He knows what I can give.  He knows me, and He knows you.  And, I am committed to loving and serving and doing all that I can to make your little life as full and beautiful as it can be.  God help me, help me every step of the way!

One of my favorite memories of my entire life was telling your Daddy about you.  The tension in the air, my nerves! He thought four was the end for us, and I had to tell him that God thought differently.  We sat there staring at each other, him begging me to speak it, to speak what was on my mind.  I beckoned him to lean forward, so I could whisper it in his ear.  As soon as the words escaped my lips and tickled his ear, his robust laughter filled our table, filled the entire restaurant, and filled my heart.  And, my tears fell uncontrollably ~ happy, relieved, disbelieving tears.  God tears.  The tears you cry when He overwhelms you with His purpose, His way, and all you can do is overflow because He is overwhelmingly good.  Five babies good!

And, now here we are less than two months away from your due date.  I can tell you are getting bigger each week.  And, I am starting to wake up at night, to toss and turn.  You are filling me, and I will not be able to hold you here forever.  My body is realizing this.  It won't be long, and I will hold your little wrinkly body, frog legs, and soft fuzzy head.  And, I will wonder how we ever lived a day without you! Your brothers ask me almost daily when you will be here.  Erik Daniel is very curious.

He knows there is a baby in my tummy.  If I say baby, he reaches up and touches my belly.

He knows.  But, then again he doesn't know completely!  But, he will understand, and he will love you to pieces!

They are all so excited to meet you!

I love you, my fifth little love!  Godspeed. . .

Baby, Baby...

I am going to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and focus my thoughts on little old you.

My sweet smallest one, I'm crazy about you already. You are 20 weeks and 3 days old, about 7 in, 11 oz. ~ according to the What to Expect app on my phone. Joshua grabs my phone and checks up on your growth at least once a week. This week the app compares your size to the size of a banana. So, Joshua grabbed a banana and put it up to my tummy. He is a great big brother, and he is so excited about your life. We are all happy about your joining in our fun!

Your Daddy and I talked about you for nearly an hour last night. We dreamed about what it will be like to have you with us. We made tentative plans for our family of 7. My sweet little surprise, we are so glad God chose to give you to us. Your Daddy puts his hands on my belly at night before he drifts off to sleep. He feels your soft kicks, and he prays for you.

All four of your brothers ask about you. They are always happy to welcome a new little one. I am excited to do the whole thing over again with you. I am excited to hold you little and to watch you grow right before my eyes. I am excited to hear your squeaks and coos. I am excited to see your first smile and hear your first little rolling belly laugh. And, then one day you will pull yourself up, and then you will take a step or two. And, when you do these things, four little boys will cheer for you, and your mama, well, she might just cry a tear or two, but she, too, will be excited for you!

I love you, my little one.

I've been doing this long enough to know that no two are alike. There may be similarities between you and one or two of your brothers, but you will be a unique little one created by a BIG God Who has great plans to use your life for His glory. I cannot wait to see the creativity of my God as it manifests itself in your sweet individuality.

Today, I wonder and I dream of you and who God will make you to be. But, one day I will know you like the back of my hand. I will know your likes, your loves, what makes you smile and laugh, what inspires you, and what makes your sweet little heart tick. I will know you and love you well ~ this is my prayer.

You do not have perfect parents or brothers. We are not the smartest, most beautiful, most athletic, most organized, or most patient, but we love with big, full hearts.

And, I think you will grow well here.

We welcome you, sweet one.

With open arms, we wait for you. . . patiently.

Godspeed, sweetness, Godspeed. . .

Finding out about Little Bit. . .

According to my pregnancy journal, my baby's heart began to beat today. (pause)

Wow.

It never ceases to amaze me how silly I am! Last Friday when I knew that I was late but lived several days in a state of denial ~ not taking a test, deep down in the depths of my soul I wanted to be pregnant. I'm so hopeless when it comes to my love for all things mother, baby, pregnancy. Hopeless. Utterly. When I took the silly little test, I must admit, even though I have a gaggle of kids, I hoped a little hope deep down that God would do it one more time. . .

And, He did, and I am so thankful for another little one.

Seeing that little line on that little stick does something to me deep down ~ no matter how many times I've seen it. I bet Michelle Duggar would say the same thing. New life never gets old!

I was thinking the other day about how I love that God keeps it a secret for 2 weeks! So, for two weeks we walk around pregnant while only He knows. :-) And, He laughed as Erik and I said for the umpteenth time that our family was complete ~ all the while knitting away within... He is so sneaky like that! I love it! :-)

Telling Erik about the new little one was scary for me. I wasn't sure how he would react. He has told me many times that he felt we were done. So, I sat across the dimly lit table and told him that I needed to tell him something, my tone very serious. I simply could not do it out loud. I was soooo nervous!!! So, I made him lean across the table, and I cupped my hands around his ear and whispered, "We're pregnant. . ." His reaction was timeless ~ a loud, "Oh, my goodness!!!!" followed by laughter, rich, strong laughter. The laughter relieved my nervous soul and broke the dam ~ tears flowed freely. And, our dinner conversation was full of joy and love and laughter. The evening was beautiful, simply, perfectly beautiful.

The next day fear came for a visit and stayed several days too long. How will you afford 5 children? Cars? College? Food? How will you give them enough of yourself? You will be spread too thinly! Life was just about to get easy for you ~ no diapers for the first time in 7 years!! You will be sooo old when this little one graduates high school! How will you manage them all? And, homeschooling ~ how will you do it? You may lose your mind!!

Thankfully, I sent fear packing on Tuesday. I can't worry about all those things today. I'll worry about that tomorrow! :-) (Scarlet, anyone?) I've got enough to think about today. I am going to enjoy this pregnancy ~ savor every moment!

Monday evening we took the boys out to dinner to tell them the big news! They were so cute! Erik said, "Mommy is going to have a baby." And, JCT very seriously said, "How? She isn't pregnant!" I guess he thought you have to have a big belly to be pregnant! They chatted the rest of the evening on and on about this new little one. Joshua continually hugged my belly. I didn't have the heart to tell him the baby isn't big enough to actually be in my belly yet!! And, JCT mapped out this baby's life. It made me laugh to see their different personalities processing the news! That night as we tucked the boys in their beds, JCT prayed for the baby. He prayed that, "our baby will be a Godly baby and grow into a Godly little boy and then a Godly man." How sweet!

I'll end with Joshua's journal entry from the morning after we told them the big news. . .

Note my small head! :-)

So, here I sit, sipping decaf coffee, pregnant at 34 ~ almost 35 years old, and, as always, God is good, so good.