A new day

I think I was born a perfectionist. I don't remember a time when I wasn't overly hard on myself for not doing something perfectly. Even as far back as my first gymnastics classes. I wasn't so interested in having fun. No, I wanted to be the best. The gymnastics training center that I attended had levels, as soon as I moved up a level, all I could think about was moving up to the next level. I have never lacked for drive nor zeal. At the cost of much joy, I have spent much of my life striving to be the best that I could be. Finding out that I was pregnant was no different. I attacked parenting with the same fervor that I attacked difficult college courses and unrelenting long-distances jogs. Like a hungry mama bear, I devoured book after book. I was determined to do this parenting thing right from the beginning. I read Babywise, Dr. Sears, Dr. Wisebluth, and everyone in between. I was going to do this parenting thing with excellence, and I was determined that I would not fail.

But, you know what? Those books didn't really help. I thought good sleep habits, disciplined routines, healthy eating, etc. was what parenting was all about. Wrong. What makes a good mommy is much more than that. It is much more than the subjects addressed in parenting books. Being a success as a mommy, unfortunately, is not something that you can be taught in a book written by man. It comes from being humble and dying to self. Being a good mommy comes from following in the footsteps of a Good God.

I wrote the post below this one on Thursday, and I was feeling quite good about myself as a mother that day. I had tasted a bit of success that day. But, as we all know, pride comes before a fall. So, you can imagine what Friday looked like . . .

There was no reading, no hot chocolate, no one on one time, etc. I guess you could say that if Friday was a test. . . I failed it. The day started off well. Elijah went down early for a nap, and I quickly got the boys ready to play outside. Now that we have an infant in the house, we have to take our outside playtime when we can get it!! So, I grabbed a monitor and took the boys down to the swing set.

As I was pushing the boys on the swings, it occurred to me that I ought to check in on Deana B. She has been out of town visiting her parents, and we haven't talked in a while. So, an hour or so later I got off the phone, Elijah woke up, and we headed back indoors. Soon after we got inside, Stephanie called to discuss a variety of things. We discussed everything from our public school's kindergarten curriculum to Fifths Disease. And, an hour or so later I got off the phone. JCT was stinky, Elijah was hungry, and Joshua was ready to go back outside. After feeding Elijah I decided that since I had done nothing productive with my children this morning that I might as well blow it big-time. . . So, I loaded them in the car and took them to Sonic. If I am going to feel guilty, I might as well feel really guilty, right? I ordered grilled cheeses for them and a large Sprite with Sonic's infamous ice for me. As I pulled out of Sonic my friend Sara called, so I drove around talking to her and letting the boys eat their lunches in the car. When I got home, it was naptime. You know, if you read the post below, Naptime.


I took JCT upstairs and put him down hurriedly. And, I told myself that Joshua needed a nap, too, since his grandparents were coming that afternoon and all. So, I put him down hurriedly as well. Then, the guilt hit me smack in the face. . . Honestly, I had felt it all morning, but I was trying to ignore it and just get through the morning. . . A few minutes later Erik called. I poured my guilty heart out to him, and he had only one thing to say. One sentence. "Erin, you're a good mother." Uggh. Yesterday, maybe, but today, no, I just don't feel like it. And, what do I tend to trust and rely on more than anything else? My feelings. My unstable, guilt-ridden, perfectionist driven feelings. But, that is all that they are, just feelings. I have come to realize that there is little truth in my feelings, and Satan loves to use them against me.

So, I sat down, held Elijah and read some blogs. I started out reading your comments on my last post, and I felt another twinge of guilt. Then, I read several other blogs with the same theme. It seems selfishness in mothering is on all of our hearts right now. After reading all of this, it occurred to me that my prayer for selflessness, my struggles in parenting, etc., they are not foreign to God. He has heard them for thousands of years. As long as there have been mothers, there have been struggles similar to ours. Being a mother is a job that makes demands of you 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and that can be difficult for any woman. Even working moms, they may not be at home all day, but no doubt their children are tugging at their heartstrings all the time they are doing their other job.

I sat on the back porch and pondered all this. And, I came to a few conclusions. . .

As mommys seeking to be Christ to our children, we tend to be so hard on ourselves. We are human. We will not be perfect day in and day out. And, guilt is not from God.

About selflessness, let me just give you my very humble opinion. We are innately selfish. Erik always says, "Hate is not the opposite of love, selfishness is." And, that makes sense to me. Because love is laying down your life for another's, and that is selflessness. I was fairly selfish growing up. Okay, I was self-centered and selfish. There, I said it. But, praise God, I am a work in progress, and He hasn't given up on me yet.

I think when we marry we give up some of our rights. We die to our self a bit for our spouse. We no longer base decisions solely on what we want. Now we have another person to consider. Our decisions affect them, and in order to have a happy marriage both parties must die a little. Oh, me, and then we have children. Watch out, beware, oh, selfish heart! It is time to kill off a little more flesh. We begin to have to sacrifice "me time." We sacrifice time doing our hobbies, working out, etc. because these little guys (or gals) come first. Even if we resent it, because we love them, we put them first. I remember looking at newborn Joshua thinking, "Okay, we are adults. We are like 10 times your size. But, somehow you have rocked our world. How could such a tiny little thing change our lives so much?" I whole-heartedly believe that God uses our love for our spouse and for our children to chip away at our selfishness. God is so wise. I can't think of a better way to refine us. He gives us these awesome gifts - a husband to love, protect and provide for us and children - beautiful children birthed out of love, and through them He chips away at the selfishnes in our hearts. He is making us beautiful whether we feel like it or not.

Now because we are attempting with all our hearts to be Christ to our children, Satan must feel trapped. I think he attacks us with guilt in order to make us feel defeated. But, we aren't defeated, not in the least! And, let's get real here. . .

Think of your very worst day as a mom. Maybe you lost your temper, were hard on your children for simply being children, fed them greasy fried fast food, or just simply resented having to be a mom and do all these things for them. Worst day ever. I bet if I were to watch a video tape of that day I could pick out some things you did that were great. I bet you gave some hugs, kissed some knees, and layed your life down in more ways than you realize. Because Christ is in you, I am certain He is flowing out of you. I am counting on that anyway.

So, I am going to attempt to not be so hard on myself. Dying is hard. And, we are doing that daily. I think parenting is, if you will let it be, a school for selfish hearts. And, in this school, if you will allow Him, God will teach you how to be humble, selfless, and truly beautiful, 1 Peter 3:3 beautiful. But, we have to do our homework. And, we will have many tests, many tests. So, let's not freak when we feel we have failed one. When God is the teacher, He uses a magnificant tool with which to instruct us, to keep us from giving up and going astray. He uses grace. What a beautiful word! Don't you just love the sound of it. . . grace. No grade is ever written in stone, never to be changed. If we make an F one day, He'll forgive it. He'll change the grade. He's that kind of teacher, and He's that kind of God. And, that is why I love Him with everything in my being, with every breath that I take. Grace. It makes all the difference.

Friday night, after my awful morning, God spoke to me through my husband and son. Erik was sitting on the ottoman holding JCT. Erik's legs were in a V, and JCT was straddling his waist. JCT leaned back until he was completely upside down, his hair hanging down touching the floor. Erik was holding both his hands, JCT's legs still tightly wrapped around Erik's waist. Erik, leaning down toward JCT, said, "Pull yourself up and give me a kiss." JCT laughing and beginning to turn red-faced said, "No, I can't!"

Now, this is what God whispered to me through this. . . Erik knew very well that his two year old son didn't have the strength to pull himself back up. He just wanted him to try. Erik let him dangle there until JCT gave an earnest attempt to pull himself up. And, when JCT tried, when he was obedient to his father's request, his father used his own strength and pulled him up. I sat back on the couch and pondered what I had witnessed. God just wants me to try. He will do it through His own strength. I don't have to muster up the strength, the energy, or the selflessness on my own. He just wants me to try, to attempt. He knows that I, myself, cannot do it. His grace and His strength alone will do it. I just have to learn to accept His grace when I fail. And, that can be hard for a perfectionist.

So, what is the point of this post? I guess that I am learning that guilt and being hard on yourself really does no good. I used to think that it is what drove me to succeed. I used to think in some weird way that it was an asset. It kept me from being lazy and unproductive. And, maybe it is an asset if your goal in life is to climb the corporate ladder. But, if your goal in life is to be like Christ, it is the farthest thing from an asset. It is a major deterrent. Bottom line: We are selfish. True. But, there is hope. We are in school, and we have the BEST teacher ever! And, He is lovingly chipping away at our selfishness. This doesn't feel good. And, it doesn't always appear that we are making strides in the right direction. But, when we fall short, we fall onto a big padded goose-down pillow called grace. All He asks is that we love Him, seek His ways, and if we do that, He will use His strength to work through us. He is faithful. That has been proven in all our lives. Now I just have to believe it!

So, Friday was a bad day for me as a mom. But, today is a new day full of grace and mercy. Today is a new day, and I don't know about you, but I am looking forward to today's lesson! Let's go to school!

Maybe we have bad days, but all in all, we are doing pretty well. Don't you think?