Why Is It?

Why is it that when I am in the trenches of motherhood, I long for a break, for a weekend away, for some time alone or with a good friend? Why is it that now that I am about to embark on a fun weekend away from my sweet boys, that suddenly they look so amazingly cute to me? Why am I suddenly noticing every detail of each little profile, the softness of their cheeks, their hair, the gentle tones of their voices, the perfection of their little fingers and toes. . . Why is it, I ask you? Why do I just want to hold them and hug them and stare at them?

Ohhh. . .Me. . . As I drove to Joshua's t-ball game, all I could think about was how adorable Elijah looked in the rear view mirror - how cute it is that he reaches behind his head to play with the curls on the back of his neck. And, then he caught me noticing his preciousness, and a huge gap teethed grin crossed his face, and I lost myself in him! I thought to myself as I watched him several things. . .

I thought about how we thought Joshua was heaven come down to earth when he was little. We thought him to be perfect. When we were pregnant with JCT, we wondered if we could ever love another like we did Joshua. And, then, he entered our world, and we never asked that question again. He was unique and precious, and he had our hearts, as well. Then, we became pregnant with Elijah and found out that we were going to have another boy! I doubted God's creativity. How could there be another boy combination of Erik and I! For the first several months, I continued to doubt God's creativity by attempting to place Elijah in a box. This characteristic of his was like Joshua, and that characteristic of his was like JCT. . . But, it didn't take long for me to realize that our God is a hugely creative God, and he had created a completely new and unique individual in our darling Elijah! And, so as I drove to t-ball, I pondered all these things, the things that make each child unique and precious to me. They have each stolen my heart in their own special way. I am completely taken with them.

On the way home from the t-ball game, my thoughts shifted to leaving them. And, I felt the weight of sadness begin to fall heavy on my shoulders. Why is it? I long for a break, then I get one, and I can hardly bring myself to leave! I started thinking irrational thoughts like, "What if I don't return? What if I have a wreck?" I'm thankful that God gave me a very rational husband who assures me that I will come home on Monday, and the boys will get their Mama back.

I couldn't hold sweet Lijah long enough before I layed him down to sleep tonight. Then, I went upstairs to kiss my big boys. I layed down next to Joshua in his bed, and we began talking. Out of the blue, he looked at me and said, "Mommy, why do you have to go? Why do you have to go away for four days?" That was all he had to say, and I could hold my emotions back no longer. I began to cry. Erik walked in with JCT, and I looked back at them saying, "Joshua is making me cry!" Erik didn't have to ask why - he knows me too well. He said, "Joshua sing Mama that song you wrote for her earlier tonight." After much coercion and with the help of his father, Joshua finally began to sing his song and the words went something like this, "It's a sad sad day when Mama goes away. And, I don't even get to see Caleb (cousin). And, I'll miss her so very much because Dad can't sing as pretty as my mom." By the end of the song, I was laughing so hard that I couldn't tell whether my tears were of joy or sadness!

My heart is full of love, and that is a good thing. It is good to feel this way, good to be so connected, good to be so loved, and good to love so much. And, as soon as I see Jen, I'll be fine and happy and good. But, until then, I may be a little teary. But, you know what, that is okay. It is a good thing really. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.