Bittersweet

I am head over heels in love with my new little man. He is a sweetheart. Pure peace. I am so thankful for his little life and for all that he adds to our family. We adore him.

A few weeks ago I had this strange fear that after he was born I would be so overwhelmed by having four children that I would for the first time struggle with post partum depression. I didn't tell anyone about my fear, but it was very much there. So much is changing in my life right now, so much is going on that I often feel a bit in over my head. Usually I am excited for the birth of a new baby, excited to nurse again, excited to hold and cuddle a new little one. But, this time I was so overwhelmed that even though I was excited I could have waited a month or two or three or eight.

But. . .

as soon as Erik placed Erik Daniel on my chest, everything changed. Completely. Wholeheartedly. Depression is the farthest thing from my present mindset. I am more at peace, more at ease, more joyful, and more patient with the big boys than I was 2 weeks ago. I love having a new little one in the house. I really love it. I cannot tell you how content and at peace I feel.

And, this is a good thing, but also it has also been very bittersweet. . .

Last week I was catching up on laundry that I had let pile up for a week and a half. I had about 4 baskets of laundry waiting for me to wash and 2 more baskets ready to be folded and put away. I decided that it was time to get down to it. As I began sorting darks and lights and delicates, I came across the navy blue Orvis shirt that Erik wore the morning Erik Daniel was born. Emotion overwhelmed me, and I put the shirt up to my face and tryed with all my might to smell something that would take me back to that day. But, all I could smell was the fading scent of Erik's cologne. I gently layed the shirt carefully into the darks pile and continued on with my work feeling a little bit on the melancholy side.

Then, later I took the baskets one by one to my bedroom and began folding and sorting them on my bed. As I neared the end of the last basket something again took me aback. Underneath several bath towels lay several maternity shirts that I had worn the week before Erik Daniel was born. One of them, my "Deliver me, O Lord" shirt, I had worn to the hospital the morning that I went into labor. Emotion again swept over me. I gently folded each of the shirts as a strange saddness crept over me.

It is over ~ and it may very well never happen again.

And, I love it.

I truly love being pregnant, giving birth, and having a tiny little one in my home.

We have always said we wanted to have 3 or 4 children. I decided when we were pregnant with Elijah that it had to be 4. I didn't even want to consider that Elijah might be my last.

Now, we have had our fourth, and it is so bittersweet ~ so much more than I ever imagined it would be. Everything hits me. From his cord falling off to seeing him smile for the first time, I am paying so much more attention to each detail. I am highly aware of each little baby milestone.

I love where our family is right now. In fact, the other day I threatened to put a brick on Joshua's head if he didn't quit growing! He just laughed at me! I guess it will always be this way. I don't want Erik Daniel to stay a newborn forever. Eventually I would get tired of the broken sleep. And, I cannot wait to see who God made him to be. I do want my boys to grow up to be husbands and daddys. . . eventually. Thankfully, that is a ways away, but when the time comes for them to go out into the world, when the drive off to college, when they get into that limousine with the girl of their dreams - birdseed in their hair - and they blow me one last kiss out the window, it will be bittersweet.

And, that is okay. It is okay for it to be bittersweet. Because I have poured my life into them, because they have been my world, this whole parenting experience with each new era will be bittersweet. It will be sweet because I will be thrilled for them, and bitter because I will miss the days past. I will miss being pregnant. But, I will never regret that I wrapped my heart around these little guys even in the womb. I will never regret that I have embraced each stage no matter how hard, no matter how precious. I have loved it all (at least, all that I have experienced up until this point!).

And, so today I am embracing the day, embracing my darling, precious, tree frog legged newborn, embracing my plump, strong, 16 month old, embracing my opinionated, silly 3 year year old, embracing my sensitive, leader of a 5 year old, and embracing my tall, handsome, hardworking husband.

And, here he is again, my sweet littlest one. . .