It's a rare treasure indeed. I couldn't decide how to spend my quiet 30 minutes or so... I could grade papers, get ready for tomorrow, or write...
I chose to write even though it is painful for me right now. It is painful and slow. I feel uninspired. I don't talk about it much ~ how hard it is. But, everyday is a challenge these days. This stage of life calls for me to be many things for a good many people. I work from sun up to sun down and give until I am literally, completely, and wholly spent. I crawl into bed so exhausted. Each day I give every ounce of everything He gives me. Never in my life have I felt this kind of tired. It is new to me. The laundry must be done, the counters wiped, the dinner for 9 made, the papers graded, the naked bottomed baby chased, the white boards readied for another day.... The list goes on and on.
I don't meant to complain. But, it has been on my mind a lot lately. Lord, how long can I continue at this pace with almost never a moment to myself? Being the introvert that I am, this is such a stretch!
And, as I ask this question, I feel His answer pressing in on my soul. He tells me that He is doing something, working some beautiful things in me, working some ugly things out of me... He assures me that He sees me on those days when I feel like no sees me. On the days when I feel like a body being drug from one fire to the next, doing my best to put each one out ~ little hands grabbing my sweater pulling me to the fridge for more milk, older boys asking for a grilled cheese or homemade cookies or a fried egg on toast, math questions, a stopped up toilet again... I'm stumbling through so bewildered and overwhelmed, trying to just. do. the. next. thing. On those days, He is near, and He assures me that His hands are on me, molding me, stretching me, holding me closely. He is not far removed. He is not distant. He is with me here in my chaos. And, that is beautiful. And, it makes everything worth it.
And, as hard as it is. I feel Him like never before. As we puttered through our school day today listening to praise and worship on You tube in the schoolroom, Oceans came on. I couldn't breathe, I cried so hard. I just worshipped right there with Zekey holding my legs and the boys working all around the table. I just cried and couldn't stop. I looked around the table. Do they get it? I know we have been faithful to tell them all about our great God. They could beat most adults at Bible Trivia. But, do they get it? Because when you are being stretched and pulled and tugged and worn ragged by the world, Bible trivia won't help you. But, the Holy Spirit of the Living God inside you breathing life, infusing hope, raining grace, and pouring out mercy ~ that will be all they need. Oh, how I pray that they get that!
I'd like to be perfect like... yesterday! But, I'm not. Try as I may, I cannot go long without derailing. He knows. He keeps assuring me that He is working, and I feel it, so I keep on. And, if you want to know the truth, that exhausted feeling that I feel at the end of the day....
I LOVE it. Is there a better way to live than to give all I have? I crawl into bed, pull up my covers up under my chin, and lay there just praying. My bed has never felt so wonderful as it has the last few years when more has been asked of me than ever before. I'm thankful. One day when life is quieter, less busy, I will miss going to bed completely spent. I'll miss the way it felt to pour myself out ~ empty. Only to lay down and let Him refill me for the next day.
Thank You, Jesus.