My Little Sacrifice

I only have a minute, and I will tell you why. . .

Because I have done something reckless, something completely unlikely. . . at least for me. . .

I have taken naptime and layed it in on the altar. I have given naptime, a.k.a. "me time," to my Father for Him to use as He wishes. Now this may not sound like a big deal to some, but to me it is HUGE. You see, I love "me time." It usually takes place around 1:00 p.m. And, some days I begin looking forward to it and planning each minute of it as early as 6:00 a.m. (when I wake up). Now that is sad. And, if one of my babes decides not to sleep during naptime, I find myself extremely frustrated with them. It is as if they owe it to me to give me at least an hour. My attitude is a lot like this. . .

Now, come on, child. I give you my all every other hour of the day. Can't I have at least one hour to myself. Really. . .

Now in my heart of hearts I know that these thoughts are absurd. I gave those rights away when I gave birth. They owe me nothing, and I owe them everything.

I guess it hit me one day last week. Elijah went to sleep around 11:45. So, I hurried the boys through lunch. They got down from the table ready to play while I cleaned up because that is our usual routine. But, this day Mama had a different agenda. I wisked a very frustrated and confused JCT up to his bed. No stories. One quick song. Jesus Loves Me was the choice if I remember correctly because it is not a long song. I layed him in his crib. I left him looking up at me completely dumbfounded. Then, I raced downstairs. Joshua was hiding again. Ugghh. So, instead of playing his little game, I loudly said, "Come out Joshua. It is time for nappy-time." Nothing. "Come on. I mean it." He came out, and I quickly layed him down in my room. No book. One song.

Ahhhh. . . The house was quiet. I had hurried everyone to their respective places for naptime an hour early, and none of my sweet guys complained. They all trusted that the reason for my urgency was worth their full cooperation. None of them questioned me. And, so there I was. Alone. I got something to drink, a couple monitors, and a book. Then, I went outside and sat down in a rocker on the back porch. But, something was missing. I didn't feel relaxed or at peace. I still felt a bit hurried. What was wrong? I had exactly what I had been longing for all day. I was alone. It was quiet. But, it didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. I wasn't enjoying myself. Why not? And, then it hit me. Guilt.

Now you may read this and think that I did nothing wrong. But, that isn't what my heart and my spirit felt. We are all on unique journeys. God has really been speaking to me lately about a variety of things. My priorities and my selfishness have been at the top of the list. And, I heard God whispering in my ear that afternoon, asking me to give Him that which I hold so dear, my alone time. After several days of pondering it, I finally relinquished my rights to naptime.

Now what does it look like to give God naptime? I'm figuring that out. I am praying each day that He will show me what to do with the time. Somedays it may work out that they all go down at the same time. But, most days it doesn't. I am lucky if I get a 15 minute overlap. And, since the time isn't mine anymore, I am not so frustrated when JCT wakes up 30 minutes after I put him down (Tuesday). It also means that somedays God may whisper to me to let Joshua skip his nap or at least part of it in order to have some good, long one on one time with me.

Today's naptime has been well spent. I made hot chocolate and read to Joshua from The World of Pooh. And, as I read to him, he took a spoon and ate the whipped cream off the top of my hot chocolate (just another way I am attempting to be selfless - thinking of him better than myself and all :-). After we finished reading, I felt refreshed and peaceful. It felt good. Better, I must admit, than a naptime spent filling my needs. That is just so like Him. Whatever we lay at His feet, He takes and gives us so much more in return. One late night when I was in college, struggling because my love for a certain young man was becoming so consuming that I felt he was coming between me and my First Love. So, I sat on my dormroom bed with eyes full of tears, and I layed all 6 foot 7 inches of the man I loved down at His feet. And, a couple years later He gave that man to me to be my husband. He has more than proven Himself faithful.

Okay, I am getting a bit dramatic. This is just naptime. . . And, I do realize that I need some time, too. Don't worry. I get time alone. I make sure of that. It just may not come in the neat little 2 hour package it used to. . .

Dying to self. God has taught me more about dying to myself through parenting than any other way. Sometimes it is hard, but it is always good.

And, to steal one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite books - Passion and Purity. . .

I have layed naptime on the altar.

Now what will become of the ashes. . .

I can't wait to find out!! I suspect the ashes will include a lot of laughs, games, meaningful conversations, and hot chocolate - with or without whipped cream!