Selfless, Sacrificial Love. . .

And, so here I sit on a peaceful, easy Sunday morning, a half full cup of warm coffee at my side. Erik took Joshua, JCT, and Elijah to church, and I am at home with little bit. The house is calm. The baby is sleeping. Soft music is playing. I just finished my preps for this week's Moms in Touch meeting. I have about 45 minutes before the big boys return, and I have nothing that has to be done. Well, technically, I have a load of laundry waiting to be washed in the washer and a kitchen that could be straightened and a floor that is filthy and. . .

But, for now I am choosing to be still. In this stage of life, time to be still is often hard to come by. . .

I have been thinking a lot lately (surprise!). Erik and I had the privilege, thanks to some sweet friends, to see the movie Fireproof yesterday. And, I left the movie in deep thought. I was overwhelmed. It was a truly beautiful movie.

Lately I have been thinking about something that I think about a lot.

Selfishness.

I am selfish.

There, I said it.

And, I am married to the most selfless man alive, and since our wedding day that is the single area that he has challenged me in the most. He has challenges me by example alone. He never preaches. His actions are enough. And, it is fairly easy to be selfless when the person you are laying down your wants for is doing the same for you. But, it is another story completely when you are sacrificing your desires for little people who don't yet grasp the concept of selflessness.

I do for others, but deep down I want to meet my own needs first. Take for instance the mornings. I want to get up early enough to meet all my needs before I have to start meeting everyone else's needs. I want to get up in time to sit still and enjoy a cup of hot coffee, to take a nice long shower, to get dressed and make-up on before I have to make Joshua's lunch and get everyone ready for school/preschool.

Enter fourth child.

Now I am clinging desperately to every ounce of sleep that I can get. I rarely rise before 6:30. Some mornings I get a shower, often I don't. By the time I get to my cup of coffee it is cold, and I end up warming it up over and over and eventually the mug is forgotten in the microwave until the next morning when I go to put another cup of cold coffee in the microwave for warming.

It is the typical life of a mother, I guess. But, for me it was predestined. God knew that I needed to be broken, to be forced to learn to lay down my desires for the little ones that He placed in my womb. They have stretched me, challenged me, and taught me more than anyone thus far on my life's journey. And, I pray that on the other end of all this, that I will be different, chiseled, sharpened, selfless.

Maybe it is because selfless love is on the brain, but it seemed to me that sacrificial love was the theme of the movie Fireproof. God's sacrificial love that loves unconditionally even when we reject it over and over, it is still there. And, Caleb's learning to love Catherine selflessly.

I walked away from the movie, once again, challenged to give myself away to my God, my husband, my children, and my world. And, it isn't just the challenge to be selfless because I, alone, can do that ~ at least until I run out of steam. But, it is the challenge to love selflessly, because that is supernaturally inspired, and I alone cannot do that. I need the selfless love of Jesus overflowing out of my heart to love like that. Fill me, Lord. Because so many times, I lay down my desires over and over and end up feeling empty, martyred, and that doesn't feel pure, right, or selfless. That is me in my own strength attempting sacrificial love, and it simply does. not. work.

So, I am asking my sweet God, to fill me with His love, fill me to overflowing. Help me to die daily to those around me. Help me to be more concerned about meeting their needs and less concerned about meeting my own. Why do, I doubt? Why do I feel that if I don't meet my needs no one will look out for me, and my needs will go unmet. You are El Shaddai the all sufficient God, and You alone will meet my needs. I know in my head that if I concern myself with loving others and putting their needs first that You will take care of mine. May my heart believe it fully, too. I need not worry. You see me. You know my needs. You know the ones that are selfish and need not be met, and You know the needs that are necessary. I am safe in Your care. I lay my desires before You, and I pray that You will help this selfish little heart give itself away for Your glory, and never my own.