I Dropped my heart off and drove away. . .

"Being a mother

means that your heart

is no longer yours;

it wanders wherever

your children do. . ."

- Unknown

It all started last Tuesday. I sat in line surrounded by cars and mothers waiting somewhat impatiently for the preschool to open wide her doors and release to us our beloveds. I had a second, so I grabbed my phone and texted a good friend. The text read something like this:

"Hope U R having fun! I am waiting for Joshua. He is really enjoying pre-K."

They were my famous last words.

As Erik would say, I put "the mouth" on him.

He got in the van quiet and introspective. I asked some questions. After a few minutes, he released only this small sentence to me before he retreated and hid behind his backpack for the duration of the car ride home: "I was missing you today."

He said nothing else all day. And, I didn't ask. You see, Joshua does something that I cherish. He stores his hurts in his sweet heart all day, and then as I tuck him in at night, he ever so gently opens his heart to me. As I tucked him in that night, he began talking. He opened his heart and layed it on the covers for us to examine together. I won't share all the details, but one sentence sums up the entire conversation. . .

He looked at me with gentle, questioning eyes, and in his sweetest voice, he asked me. . .

"Mommy, when you were in preschool, did sometimes nobody want to play with you, too?"

To say my heart broke, would be an understatement. I love this little one. My heart hurt.

I wrestled with this all night. Joshua knows no one in his class, and he is quiet until you get to know him. I know that once he feels comfortable he will blossom, but until then. . .

Until then, I will pray. I will pray for a buddy. I will pray for him to be strong and courageous. As I dressed him this morning, we said Joshua's favorite verse - Joshua 1:9. I asked him why he thought that God said these words to Joshua in the Bible. I told him that it sounded to me like Joshua may have been a bit afraid, and God spoke to him words of encouragement. Encouraging him to be strong and courageous, not terrified or discouraged, because God would be with him wherever he goes. A wonderful verse for a little boy.

Joshua only goes to preschool on Mondays and Tuesdays, so today was his first day back since his "sad" day. JCT, Elijah, and I walked him to class, helped him put his backpack in his little locker, and then said goodbye and walked away. We got in the car. And, as I drove away, I looked at that little church preschool building and thought about how it now housed my heart for a few hours. And, one day I will have 3 of my hearts walking around. I am learning, slowly but still learning, how to let go even when it hurts. How to allow them the opportunity to fight their own battles instead of sheltering them. These are the things that will make him stronger. God uses every minute detail. I trust that. And, my strength imparted to Joshua now mostly is in the form of prayer.

It is a process, this mommy deal, and I think it gets more and more challenging as it goes along. But, it is a good deal.

And, speaking of good deals, I got this email from my Daddy after my mom informed him of Joshua's hard day. The last line of his email brought a tear or two to my eyes. You see, my Daddy used to trade futures on the Commodity Market. And, he was good at what he did, very good. He was highly respected for his keen sense of the market - the ups and downs. He knew when and what to buy and sell. My Daddy is wise, but he doesn't vomit his wisdom on you. He holds tightly to his words. They are few and precious. Wisdom. I am thankful to have a Godly father. And, now his sweet words. . .

Erin,

I can empathize with Joshua in his experience at preschool. It's a little disconcerting at first how to relate to new kids, school, teachers, new surroundings, etc. It's a lot for a little guy to adjust to at first. But he's a very smart little boy, and he will quickly figure out how to get in the group, make friends, and just plain adjust.
I'm 66 now, but if my memory is correct, those early years, when you are learning your social skills, were more difficult than when you get to high school and college. Pray, but don't worry. I know how to read a good deal, and I would buy stock in Joshua because he will do just fine.

Love you guys,
Dad

Pray, but don't worry. Now that is good advice for a mother. Because I am learning that prayer is the key to parenting. Just as I used to sit at the bottom of the steps listening to my Joshua cry himself to sleep, praying constantly, asking God how long is too long, I must still rely on God to guide me today. And, God has always been faithful to lead me. Parenting books are great, but there is no substitute for listening to the Spirit, letting His sweet Spirit guide me.

I love that being a mother is above and beyond my comfort zone. It is more than my soft heart can bear. So, it keeps me ever at His feet. And, there is no place that I would rather be.