When will I learn?
So, it all started off well and good. A white picnic blanket thrown on the living room floor, 2 sweet boys and their mommy eating a peaceful little lunch together in perfect harmony. Both boys ate a good lunch, so I thought this was a perfect opportunity to break out the chocolate PB drop cookies that I had made and some milk. Now normally the three of us have what I like to call "community snacks." We all drink milk from the same cup and share one plate full of cookies. This is how we typically do our afternoon snack, that is, when we have one. . . Anyway, I put the cookies on a plate and poured a glass of milk with exactly 2 ice cubes. Perfect.
My pride was at an all time high at this point. What a mom! A picnic lunch on the living room floor, cookies made from scratch, and everyone happy. I felt like a cross between Martha Stewart and June Cleaver. But, we all know that pride comes before a fall. . .
So, Joshua says, "I want my own glass of milk like yours." I was drinking from a plastic veggietales cup. So, I got Joshua his own plastic veggietales cup. Normally, Joshua still drinks from a sippy cup, but he does very well with a regular cup, and on occasion we let him drink from a "big boy cup." So, today I let him. We walked over to the blanket, all three of us together. I sat down with JCT & my cup and the plate of cookies. Joshua just stood there. I looked up at him, and as soon as I did he dropped his cup. He just dropped it. I don't think he meant to do it, but it was so odd. He didn't trip. . . he just dropped it. Boom. . . Splash. . . A tidal wave of milk. . .I stared at him in amazement. And, before I could stop myself, a very disappointed "JOSHUA!!" came out of my mouth. I wish that was it, but I kept on. . . "If you want mommy to trust you with a 'big boy cup,' you need to hold it with 2 hands. You can't just drop it." You know, as if I have never made a mistake. Then, I put the cookies on the mantle, and spent the next five or so minutes cleaning up the floor, taking the blanket to the laundry room, etc. All the while, my son sat quietly never taking his eyes off the floor. As I cleaned I could hear Lisa Whelchel saying not to scold children for mistakes but rather for direct disobedience. I could hear my voice, my tone. Conviction set in.
After cleaning up everything, I got him another glass of milk. I handed it to him. He wouldn't look at me. He refused to hold it. I gave him some kind of a little lecture about how we all make mistakes, and we can't let them keep us from going on and living life. You know, the whole get back on that horse theme. And, yes, I apologized for my reaction, my over-reaction.
Right or wrong. . . I pretty much forced him to carry the cup into the living room. In some way hoping to remind him that he could do it. He could drink from a "big boy cup" without spilling. He has done it many times. I couldn't let him give up after a silly mistake - that his mother blew way out of proportion.
Okay, now at this point the sweet little guy is completely in his turtle shell. He has retreated, and I realize that I am going to have to work to get him to stick his little neck back out. And, all I can think is that none of this ever would have happened if I had immediately reacted with, "It's okay, honey, we all make mistakes. You didn't mean to do it. Mommy spills all the time!" He would have been just fine. But, no, that was not my reaction, and, honestly, I have no excuse.
So,he sat down on the blanket, and I handed him a cookie - actually I forced a cookie into his hand. He took a mouse sized bite and refused to drink the milk even when I offered to help and put it to his lips. That is when the tears started. You know, the kind my sweet boy is famous for. . . the kind of tears that break a mommy's heart. The silent tears. The kind of tears where the only sound you can hear are the soft sniffles.
And, my heart hurt, badly. Tears stung my eyes. When will I learn? Joshua is so hard on himself. He doesn't need me to come down hard on him. He hates to make mistakes. He doesn't need extra criticism - he is hard enough on himself. He keeps me at the feet of Jesus. I am ever praying for wisdom in rearing his sweet heart.
I wish I could say that the story ended well, but in all actuality it didn't. He never ate any cookies or drank any milk. It took a while before I could get my sweet turtle to stick his little neck back out for me to hug. But, I learned a lesson. Unfortunately, I have learned and forgotten this lesson more than a few times. . .
Think before you speak, Mommy, think before you speak!!
And, I guess you could say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I have not ceased beating myself up for over-reacting to his simple mistake since it happened. . .
5 Ways to Reduce Stress during Anxious Days
2 hours ago
14 comments:
I'm pretty sure I don't have any great words of wisdom to impart sweet Erin. I think many of us tend to be unnecessarily hard on ourselves. My little boys have children of their own and yet I still lie in bed some nights and shed silent tears over the mistakes I made with them and their sister. I can tell you that God's grace goes a long way in covering our mistakes. He somehow takes the sincere efforts of our hearts and the mistakes we all inevitably make and turns them into something good.
I think you're doing a really great job at this the very hardest of jobs. Just remember you're not alone. There is a Father who takes our weaknesses and makes us strong.
Oh... my heart started hurting as I read your post too. Not because I was judging you, but because I know exactly how that feels. Why, oh why, did I have to learn a lesson as the expense of my chlid?! Its so hard, this parenting-thing, especially when you have sensitive ones like your Joshua and my Devyn. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you're an incredible mom and we all make mistakes like this...
My little brother and I WERE Joshua growing up. It took little to hurt our feelings. Thank you for reminding me to remember that when my little one gets here. I guess we get into adulthood and forget how hard it is to be little. We also forget that God's grace covers us for those millions of mistakes we make and don't realize we've made them. Please be as gentle with yourself as you feel you need to be with Joshua. It IS what our Father is doing with us. :-)
Oh, how I can identify. You are a sweet, precious Mommy. I always pray God will help my kiddos remember the good parts and forget the not-so-good--that He will fill in the gaps.
Now go model for him how to move forward from mistakes. :-)
You are doing an awesome job with those boys!
Take heart Erin, you are being refined, you are learning and growing, exactly what God wants from you. And thankfully, our children are so forgiving as we fumble in our efforts to be "perfect" parents. The fact that you appologized and recognized your error makes you a wonderful mom. You are teaching your son humility, repentence, and that there's no shame in admiting you need forgiveness. You are teaching him what it looks like to come to the cross, humble and broken, exactly what you want him to do some day. Give yourself some grace, God does, and He uses even our mistakes for His glory.
Sarah
Oh, the guilt we moms put on ourselves! Erin, I can so relate to your story. I sometimes lie in bed after putting my kids to sleep more often than I like to admit) and cry over the things I've done wrong during that day. For blowing something way out of proportion. I pray often that God will help my girls know how much I love them in spite of the mistakes I make, which are many.
You are an amazing mother, Erin. Especially since you recognize your mistakes. Your honesty helps so many of us. Thanks!
Right now I'm crying tears of sympathy & utter understanding!
I found your blog when I was googling a book I thought was called Fill My Cup Lord which I never did find, but now I'm reading you!
I can relate. Thankfully, our children love us unconditionally. I think it's so good to tell them we were wrong. That's what is important, that they see we are human. It sounds like he is a sweetie:)
Sounds like a first born child to the T. We all do this...you are a mom...in the real world...not TV Land. Give yourself crdit where it is due. You actually made cookies from scratch, just yesterday I opened the premade, just heat them sugar cookies from Kroger. I think you are a great mom with an awesome conscience!
I've always loved your sensitive heart, Erin. It's no wonder you have a son like Joshua--he's made from the same mold! On the other hand, God gave you Erik and JCT to even everything out. So here's what I'm wondering: who on earth is little Elijah going to be??? I need him to hurry up and get here, so we can see! (And I know you agree with that one!!)
And stop beating yourself up, sweet friend. Lesson learned, move on. No more self-flogging! :)
I've often thought God had a lot of work to do in my heart, and that's one of the reasons he gave me children, but it does hurt when I see him working on my heart, and the lessons hurting someone else. Hurting with you because I've been right there. Thank God for grace, literally!
Thank you for sharing your tender heart. My heart totally resonated with your story. I have three boys and have found myself in similar situations. God bless you for keeping it real.
I have SO MUCH to say about this post..... I even read it to my therapist. I'm not ready to write about it yet, but I will. Just know, dear sweet Erin, that the fact that you SEE his sensitive heart will make all the difference in the world. That aspect of me as a child was not respected as it should have been... it was always dismissed and to be frank, that hurt like hell as a little child. I never understood how my parents couldn't see the tears... couldn't see that I was already punishing myself enough... how rolling their eyes and saying "Oh, Calissa, it's not worth crying over" just didn't help. I needed desperately for someone to see my heart and just simply give me a hug, rather than sending me to my room until I "felt better"... then I just learned to cry alone, or better yet, try to stifle my tears so I wouldn't have to leave the room. But then cry at night by myself. It was lovely. Just very lonely and I never felt respected for my feelings. This post HIT my heart like a ton of bricks.... it made me weep to see how you saw his heart. How you saw his silent tears. I felt like I was watching myself in Joshua. But this time I saw a mother who was attentive to her child's unique personality... who was open to HIS needs and HIS feelings, no matter how extreme... who would hug him and love him even if he cried over *small* things. Oh, Erin, that's all he needs.... for you to see his heart. And you are doing it. I know you've beat yourself up, but I want you to know that you are AMAZING.... God has given you a soft heart for your boys. You see *Joshua* and that will make so much difference.
Well, I guess I ended up writing anyway. This post... just THANK YOU for writing it.
Love you.
Oh, and one more thing... there is not a more perfect analogy than a turtle. Trying to get him to stick his little neck out again.... that is EXACTLY how it feels. "Is it safe to come back out yet?" I'm just glad you're ready to hug him when he does come back out of his shell.... that's what I needed so desperately. To be scooped up. This dynamic comes out in my life NOW while sitting on my therapist's couch..... if we hit a sensitive topic and I start to cry, I sink into my shell quite literally.... and when this happens, the rest of the appt is a gentle prodding from Stacey to get my "neck to stick back out again".... when I read this to her, she laughed and couldn't believe the accuracy of that word picture. "It's safe, you can come back out, I'm here, you don't have to cry alone."
Please don't freak out that I'm writing this and now I'm *seeing a therapist*..... I don't want you to worry and think you're screwing him up or something! Noooo, I'm writing this to encourage you to see the difference YOU are making. What YOU are doing is what I needed and honestly didn't receive. YOU SEE HIM... you see him retreating into himself... you see that he needs love and encouragement to come back out again... you are not leaving him all alone. You are so wonderful. And trust me, you did not blow it.... you are rearing a sensitive heart and doing a good job.
I hope this comment wasn't too personal. And if you want to respond to it, please just email me at marycalissa at yahoo dot com, rather than commenting specifically about *this* comment on my blog. Hope you understand.... my mom and dad read my blog and I'm not ready for them to come face to face with this.
Post a Comment