Integrity

I was working on a homework assignment with Joshua a month or so ago when Joshua said something that bothered me. He had to write various letters of the alphabet 5 times each. I think we were on the letter "k" when he said it. . .

The teacher had specifically asked that we help the children start each letter at the top and go down. But, for some reason, Joshua always wanted to start at the bottom and draw his line up instead of starting at the top and drawing his line down. At one point in the midst of his frustration with my correcting him on this, he asked, "Mom, how will she know whether I start at the top or at the bottom? She won't know. So, why does it matter?"

Very quickly I answered, "She asked you to write your letters a certain way, so it does matter. You have to do things the right way whether she sees you or whether she doesn't see you. It is called integrity. You do the right thing regardless of whether anyone ever knows or sees."

I thought about our conversation a lot afterward. I talked to Erik about it and asked him to encourage Joshua, any chance that he got, to be a little boy of integrity. It has always been my prayer for him.

Integrity.

About a week ago, Joshua asked me to start coming up to his room and kissing him before I go to bed. So, I obliged him his simple request, and each night at about 10:30 or so before Erik and I go to bed, I climb the steps, tiptoe into his room, and gently kiss his cheek ~ and JCT's, too.

But, last Friday night Erik went to a football game over an hour away, and my friend Sara brought Starbucks and came over to keep me company. Needless to say, we stayed up quite late. I think it was around midnight that Erik came home and Sara left. I was exhausted. . . Completely spent. . . And, I knew that in an hour or two Erik Daniel would wake up to nurse. . . So. . .

I decided not to go upstairs and kiss Joshua. I was tired, the staircase looked incredibly tall, and I had been doing it for several nights now and never once in the morning did he ask me if I kissed him the night before. . .

So, would it really matter if I skip one night?

After all, he'll never know. . .

So, instead of kissing him, I washed my face and fell into bed. . .

Only to be awakened a few hours later. . .

But, not by Erik Daniel. . .

Rather, I was awakened by a soft, sweet voice that I know and love, saying, "Mommy. . . Mommy. . . Mommy. . ." Occasionally Joshua wakes up to tinkle at night, and he likes me to walk with him to the bathroom.

So, sleepily I stumbled up the stairs and into my little boy's room.

"Joshua," I said as I looked toward his bed. But, the covers didn't move.

Then, slowly a figure emerged from JCT's bed. And, I said, "Oh, JCT, I thought it sounded like Joshua's voice. . ."

The figure made his way toward me, and when he reached me he said, "It is me. . . Joshua."

Confused, I rubbed my eyes and asked, "You are sleeping with JCT?" It never occurred to me in my sleepy haze that asking this question was admitting that I obviously did not know that he was sleeping with JCT. And, if I had kissed him goodnight before I went to bed, I would know these things. . .

But, Joshua was not too sleepy to put two and two together. . .

And, his gentle, hurt voice cut through the dark straight into my heart like a knife, "Mommy, you didn't kiss me, did you?"

"No," I whispered holding him close, "I'm so sorry."

He said nothing else. He was silent as I walked him to the bathroom and then back to JCT's bed. I tucked him in, kissed his precious cheek, and whispered a soft, "I love you." Then, slowly I made my way back to my bed where I layed in deep thought for over an hour.

I had broken his trust.

I had not followed through because I thought that he would never know. . .

Integrity.

It was all that I could think of as I lay there wide awake. . . integrity, my lack of it on that particular night, and the letter "k."

I guess I have a bit left to learn about integrity. It is essential in rearing these little men that I practice what I preach.

I am still earning my son's trust.

Each night when I tuck him in, he reminds me that I am to kiss him before I go to bed. And, each night I assure him that I will do it. And, each night, without fail, no matter how tired, I climb the stairs and kiss him before I go to bed.

He never wakes up, and he never asks me the next morning if I kissed him the night before.

But, still I do it.

I never miss a night.

Because God is using a little boy to teach his mama about integrity.

It is just another way that God is using my little men to sharpen me, to make me selfless, more like Jesus.

And, Joshua, yeah, he is learning, too. In fact, now when he messes up and starts his letters at the bottom, he erases them and starts over ~ top to bottom. . . even though his teacher will never know. . .

Integrity.