Cuts and Scrapes

Today has been an interesting day. It is my first day of regular life after the birth of Erik Daniel. I have either had my mom, Erik, or Erik's parents here to help me ~ up until today. And, I am glad to be back in the saddle again. But, I was struck by something this morning. . .

Joshua isn't here.

And, I miss him terribly.

I am going to blame it on all the hormonal shifting that is going on inside my post partal body. I guess with all the company/new baby craziness I had not fully realized his absence. But, today it has been obvious, and I have been watching the clock like crazy since 9:30 this morning. I am ready to throw everyone in the van, drive across town, and pick up my sweet baby!

He is doing great at school. He complains occasionally about having to go, but he never cries or carries on about it. His teacher is precious. He has made new friends. He seems more confident around adults - talks to them, makes eye contact with them in ways he didn't a few months ago. He didn't turn into a teenager the first week of school like I feared. He still loves me. He still wants to sit in my lap. And, he has learned so much already! I am in awe of all the things they teach kindergartners these days!!! He comes home with stories, birthday party invitations, and papers with smiley faces. He loves recess and hates nap time. Gone are the days of him sitting on the sidelines. He is now, according to his teacher, right smack dab in the middle of all the other kids ~ playing and having a good time. All in all, we have had a really good experience so far. But. . .

he came home the other day with a scrape on his knee. And, for the first time in his life, I didn't know where the scrape came from. I wasn't there when he fell. So, I asked, "What happened to your knee?" And, he answered by telling me a story about playing on the playground and falling. "Did you cry?" I needed to know. "No," he answered. And, my heart was sad for a few minutes because my baby had gotten hurt and I had not been there with him.

I know that I still have a house full of boys ~ 3 to be exact. And, my hands are full, literally, most of the day. But, I only have one Joshua, and I miss him even if I am busy with the others.

Last night, I had to cut my "talk time" with Joshua short because Erik Daniel was crying downstairs and needed to be fed. I tucked him in his bed, and he asked me why he had to go to school while everyone else got to stay home. And, this was my answer. . .

"When you were little like Erik Daniel, I nursed you. I fed you just like I feed him. And, we had to be together all the time. I couldn't be away from you for more than 2 hours because I was the only one who could feed you. You were dependent on me. You needed me like Erik Daniel needs me. But, then you grew up a little bit and you didn't need me so much. You learned to feed yourself. And, you learned to crawl, then walk, then run. You no longer needed me to carry you. And, you started learning new things like the alphabet, colors, shapes, and different animals. After that, you started preschool. And, slowly over the years you have become more and more independent. You are growing up and going to school is part of that. You have learned so much in the month that you have been in school! And, I am so proud of you! And, your brothers will one day follow in your footsteps."

It was very dark in his room, so I don't think he saw the tear or two that trickled down my cheek as I told him all this.

I realize that he is going to get lots of cuts and scrapes and wounds (physical and emotional) that I will not be there to kiss and make better. But, these are the first. And, I am learning to trust God to take care of my big boy when I am not there. And, being the hands on, borderline controlling, mama that I am this is not always easy!

Later this afternoon, after I had already written everything above this. Joshua and JCT were upstairs playing, and I sat down to enjoy a piece of PB pie that I cut for myself at 1:00 pm but was finally going to get to eat at 4:00 p.m.!! Elijah watched me carefully. So, I invited him to join me. We sat in the middle of the kitchen floor with a glass of milk and a plate of pie ~ one spoon. One bite for him and one for me. We shared my glass of milk. And, I thought about how many times Joshua, JCT and I had done this very same thing ~ the afternoon community snack! And, I smiled to myself thinking about how thankful I am that I get to do it all over again with my younger boys.