My Letter to my Joshua on His First Day of Kindergarten. . .

Joshua,

The day before you started kindergarten we were discussing Erik Daniel's arrival. You were asking questions about how he would come out of me and when he would come out to be with us. Then, you asked to watch the video of your own birth. You love to watch yourself "be born." So, I pulled it out, and we watched as Daddy pulled you out from under a sea of green paper cloths covering me. I watched your face light up as you heard yourself cry, and as Dr.Y announced that you were tinkling on him! And, then I saw it, baby boy, I saw the first moment that I layed eyes on you, my precious priceless first born son. . . I saw the tears in your Daddy's eyes, and I was taken back in time. . .

Then, JCT piped up, "I want to see me be born, too!!" And, as I searched for his birth video, I put in at least 5 unmarked videos of you between the ages of 0 and 2 years. I had forgotten how adorabley cute you were - saying your A, B, C's, singing Jesus Loves Me, and opening Christmas presents. Oh, me. . .

Later that night I told Daddy all about the videos that we watched. He said, "Why do you do that to yourself knowing that he is going to go to kindergarten tomorrow?" Until he said it, I had not even put the two together.

But, sure enough, as we drove you to school the next morning, all the images of those home videos came back to me. I saw your sweet little baby smile, your toothless grin, and I heard your sweet baby voice saying "ma-ma" and singing my God is So Big.

But, I'll be honest on the way to school I felt strong. I felt good. I was ready. And, so were you, my big man. You were excited! We got to school and took a few pics of you and Daddy. . .

and of you and me. . .

Then, I walked you into your classroom.

Your teacher greeted us and told us where to hang your bag and lunch box. So, we did that, and then she motioned you over to some little boys doing puzzles on the floor. I hugged you and then you left my arms to join them. I was doing great if I do say so myself.

But, then, your sweet teacher reached her arm around me and gave me a hug, and in a soft voice she said, "It is going to be okay. . ." And, as she said it, she slipped a little handmade bookmark into one of my hands. I didn't even look at it. I knew at that moment that I was a ticking time bomb, and I. had. to. get. out. of. there. asap! I quickly walked out of the door and smiled at one of the sweet administrators that we know and the principal who were standing at the main enterance. And, as soon as I got past them, I could hold it in no longer. I cried. All the way to the car, all the way to the house, and after I got home, I cried for you.

As I hugged your Daddy good bye yesterday morning, our hug, in the middle of the parking lot, was the hug of a couple embarking on a new adventure, a new era. In my mind it was likened to that of the hugs we hug when we find out that we are pregnant or that we hug after one of our sweet sons are born. It is the hug that says, I feel this just as much as you do. No one else on earth may know how you feel, but I do. We are doing this thing together. It was a precious memory for me. I looked up at him with big teary eyes, and he looked down at me with sweet understanding. I pray that you will grow up to be a husband and father like yours.

After I got home and settled in, the crying stopped for a minute. But, then I went to get something out the fridge, and I saw your sippy cup sitting there, and I started crying again. I sat down and took a few minutes to read the poem on the bookmark your teacher handed me. This is what it said. . .

The First Day

I gave you a little wink and smile as you entered my room today.

For I know how hard it is to leave and know your child must stay.

You've been with him for five years now and have been a loving guide.

But, now, alas, the time has come to leave him by my side.

Just know that as you drive away and tears down your cheeks may flow

I'll love him as I would my own and help him learn and grow.

For as a parent, I too know how quickly the years do pass.

And, one day soon it will be my turn to take my twins to class.

So, please put your mind at ease and cry those tears no more.

For I will love him and take him in when you leave him at my door.

Needless to say, my baby, the tears flowed freely after reading this sweet poem. I thank God for giving you such a precious teacher! I am praying for her daily! Mommy has such sweet friends. I think I received 15 text messages and calls the first hour after I dropped you off alone! And, Deana B. and Afton brought Mommy and Daddy a sweet happy and a sonic drink! You know how Mommy loves that Sonic ice - especially when I am pregnant!

JCT and I spent the morning making first day of school cupcakes for you!

And, I prayed for you all day trying to imagine what you were doing at that very moment. Were you eating lunch? Had you discovered the special gummy treats that I stuck in your lunch box? As I drove to pick you up, I became nervous. What if you had a bad day? What would I say and do? What if you started to cry? I waited in the pick up line until it was my turn to pick up my little man! You walked out to me and gave me a big hug! Then, you got in the van and buckled yourself in. As we drove off I asked, "How was your day?" You said, "Fine." That didn't tell me enough. . . So, I asked, "Did you like it?" And, you said. . .

"I loved it."

And, my heart melted. I felt warm tears, happy tears, burn in my eyes, tears of relief. I love you, and I so want you to be happy. I know we will have hard days and bad days. But, I am thankful that your first day was a good day.

Then, we took cupcakes to several of your friends, got sonic drinks, and went to see your sweet Daddy at work! It was a fun afternoon!

For dinner I told you that I would make you whatever you wanted. So, I asked, "What is your very favorite thing that mommy makes?" Your answer. . .

"Macaroni and cheese." You are a simple man, easy to please.

And, so I made you mac n' cheese and served it to you with chicken on our family's red special plate!

It seemed you grew a few inches in those hours we were apart yesterday. You seemed so grown up, so mature. But, sometime late in the evening before bedtime, you curled up in my lap and in your best baby imitation voice you said, "Joshy missed Mommy today. Joshy loves Mommy so much!" And, I kissed your sweet forehead and your sweet cheeks and your sweet lips and your sweet temples, and I assured you that I, also, missed you!

I am so proud of you, my little man, and I love you more than you could ever know. . .